04/19/24
February 08, 2012
For Your Soul: So, here’s the game: The Jon Lovitz Devil has consigned you to an eternity of being stuck in traffic in a wheezing Ford Escort without air conditioning, and the only radio station plays Michael Bolton 24 hours a day. But you have one chance to escape your fate. You get to choose one athlete, at his or her peak, and one sport. Ever. And if that athlete wins, you get a whole different eternity, with chocolate-covered strawberries, DirecTV and a deck that overlooks the ocean.
Ah, but there is one catch. You get to pick the athlete and sport. But the Jon Lovitz Devil gets to pick the terms.
OK, I'll bite:
Bobby Orr from the '69-'70 season.
posted by NoMich at 07:34 AM on February 08, 2012
Jordan, 95-96 season...
posted by MeatSaber at 07:55 AM on February 08, 2012
It's tough to choose any one hockey player, because the triumvirate of dominating players (Gretzky, Lemieux, Orr) makes me unsure of which player I'd be worried about playing against (and the era).
That said, I don't think there has been a player in the history of hockey that has was the best combination of skill and size like Mario Lemieux. If we assume he is healthy when the game is on the line, I'd pick him from his '88-'89 season. I think he could have handled the rough-and-tumble 1950s-70s (given his size), obviously handled the 1980s-90s with no problem (except injuries/illness), and with the enforced rules against interference, I think he would continue to dominate in the 2000s-10s.
posted by grum@work at 08:05 AM on February 08, 2012
Jordan, 95-96 season...
I'd be worried about a counter from the devil of '61-'62 Wilt Chamberlain.
posted by grum@work at 08:06 AM on February 08, 2012
Tiger Woods, second or third week of June 2000.
posted by 86 at 08:18 AM on February 08, 2012
Haven't read it yet, don't need to: Jim Brown.
On reading: oh, you get to chose the sport? Well, that makes it different, but I'll stick by him.
posted by yerfatma at 08:55 AM on February 08, 2012
Dan Gable, 72 Olympics. Didn't surrender a single point en route to the gold.
posted by Uncle Toby at 08:56 AM on February 08, 2012
Jordan, 95-96 season...
Yeah, that one jumps out as an easy choice though Pedro Martinez in '99 seems like a good choice as well.
posted by bperk at 08:56 AM on February 08, 2012
Yeah, that one jumps out as an easy choice though Pedro Martinez in '99 seems like a good choice as well.
The devil would counter with Barry Bonds, 2001 season, in Coors Field.
posted by grum@work at 09:04 AM on February 08, 2012
Jordan was the very first name that stood out for me.
I think my final choice, however, would be 2009 World Championships Michael Phelps (presuming of course, that I could also choose the 100M or 200M butterfly. If the event is up to the devil I wouldn't go anywhere near swimming).
posted by Ying Yang Mafia at 09:05 AM on February 08, 2012
Hard to not pick Jim Thorpe or Jesse Owens.
posted by Debo270 at 09:14 AM on February 08, 2012
Debo, 100 m dash vs Bolt.
posted by apoch at 09:30 AM on February 08, 2012
Donald Bradmon? Not sure how he'd stack up against fast bowlers though.
Ted Williams 1941? He'd get his hits, but would it be enough in the polo grounds against someone like Walter/Randy Johnson.
posted by flannelenigma at 09:35 AM on February 08, 2012
Debo, 100 m dash vs Bolt.
Good point
in the polo grounds
Or Forbes Field
The more i am thinking about it, It would be Larry Bird and a game of H.O.R.S.E
posted by Debo270 at 09:38 AM on February 08, 2012
Secretariat 1973. Twice around the track at Belmont just for the hell of it.
posted by beaverboard at 09:57 AM on February 08, 2012
Martina Navratilova, 83-84.
posted by goddam at 10:00 AM on February 08, 2012
Bo Jackson, Tecmo Bowl.
posted by tselson at 10:00 AM on February 08, 2012
Jerry Rice.
posted by cixelsyd at 10:03 AM on February 08, 2012
Nigel Mansell, (and his Williams), 1992.
posted by Mr Bismarck at 10:06 AM on February 08, 2012
Lance Armstrong
posted by BornIcon at 10:34 AM on February 08, 2012
Paul Gait 1989 or Ryan Powell 2000 Lacrosse
posted by umrlax at 10:41 AM on February 08, 2012
Lance Armstrong
Too easy. Mark Cavendish, any sprint.
Here's mine: Serena Williams circa 2002.
posted by lil_brown_bat at 10:59 AM on February 08, 2012
Hang your head in shame if you suggested any cyclist but Eddie Merckx from the 1969 TdF. He took all three jerseys (overall, mountain and points) and the combativity award. Record winning margin at 17+ minutes. Untouchable.
That said I'm taking Walter Lindrum and billiards. Only lost his world title when he retired.
posted by deflated at 11:43 AM on February 08, 2012
Garo Yepremian, punt pass and kick. Because the Jon Lovitz Devil would appreciate that.
posted by Etrigan at 12:13 PM on February 08, 2012
Those of you who are suggesting speed-sport legends of the past puzzle me. Lance Armstrong has six of the 10 fastest Tours de France of all time. Eddie Merckx has none. Even if Jon Lovitz picks the bike and the race, doesn't Lance completely smoke him?
posted by rcade at 12:54 PM on February 08, 2012
Those of you who are suggesting speed-sport legends of the past puzzle me.
Exactly. The evolution of competitors and their training (legal or otherwise) leaves me to believe that the super-elite in the 21st century would dominate anyone from more than 20 years ago.
The only competitor mentioned above from more than 20 years ago that I would think could beat any modern competitor was Secretariat. He was simply a genetic freak that hasn't been repeated in the last 40 years.
posted by grum@work at 01:09 PM on February 08, 2012
Lance Armstrong
Too easy. Mark Cavendish, any sprint.
My bad. I meant the Lance Armstrong with one nut.
posted by BornIcon at 01:16 PM on February 08, 2012
Shaun White on a Snowboard.
posted by tahoemoj at 01:34 PM on February 08, 2012
Yeah, that one jumps out as an easy choice though Pedro Martinez in '99 seems like a good choice as well.
The devil would counter with Barry Bonds, 2001 season, in Coors Field.
I could walk Bonds and still win, right?
posted by bperk at 02:41 PM on February 08, 2012
Aaron Burr at The Heights of Weehawken, NJ. No changes allowed to the dueling code or weaponry.
Fun post, gfinsf.
posted by Howard_T at 02:47 PM on February 08, 2012
Shaun White on a Snowboard.
I'd be a little worried if slopestyle was an option.
Martina Navratilova, 83-84.
Here's mine: Serena Williams circa 2002.
Well, one of ya'll is not coming back with a soul.
Outside of Tecmo Bo Jackson, no athlete seems very safe. Was that the point of the excercise?
posted by tron7 at 02:59 PM on February 08, 2012
Was that the point of the excercise?
Mental masturbation, pure and simple. That's not a problem is it?
posted by tahoemoj at 03:03 PM on February 08, 2012
Was that the point of the excercise?
Mental masturbation, pure and simple. That's not a problem is it?
Not unless you suffer from premature imagination.
posted by BornIcon at 03:29 PM on February 08, 2012
The evolution of competitors and their training (legal or otherwise) leaves me to believe that the super-elite in the 21st century would dominate anyone from more than 20 years ago.
Then I'll take Eddy Merckx raised and trained in a modern environment. There hasn't been some sudden evolution of genetically superior sportsmen, we just know more about how to prepare them for competion. When these sort of questions come up (and who hasn't worked through this with friends over a beer or three?) I'll always argue for the guy who just crushed his competition, who was so much better than those around him that you know they were the one-in-a-century type who could do it in any era.
Babe Ruth, Merckx, Heather McKay, Edwin Moses, Abebe Bikila - any of them would excel if they were born again in 1990 and competing today.
(and getting back to the JLD challenge - I think I could live with losing if I got to see that modern Merckx riding the TdF against one of Armstrong's Blue Train USPS squads. Immovable force/irresistable object, etc.)
posted by deflated at 04:45 PM on February 08, 2012
This is the most work Jon Lovitz has had in years.
Women's College Basketball. Maya Moore. (even against Diana Taurasi, who'd be my second choice)
posted by Joey Michaels at 06:06 PM on February 08, 2012
Well, I might take Bonds 2001. If we're allowed to choose cartoon characters.
posted by WeedyMcSmokey at 07:20 PM on February 08, 2012
Ooo, if Tecmo Bo is on the table, then I want Roenick in NHLPA 93. He was unstoppable...
posted by MeatSaber at 07:28 PM on February 08, 2012
Yeah, that one jumps out as an easy choice though Pedro Martinez in '99 seems like a good choice as well.
The devil would counter with Barry Bonds, 2001 season, in Coors Field.
I could walk Bonds and still win, right?
Sure. But since it's Pedro, I hope you weren't expecting a complete game from him (only 5 of 31 starts that year). That means some average Joe is going to face Bonds in the last inning or two...
Oh, and I'd probably take Pedro Martinez, 2000 season instead of 1999.
More innings, more innings per start, lower ERA, better ERA+, better WHIP, better K/BB.
posted by grum@work at 08:12 PM on February 08, 2012
After cruising Spofi for the last week I've decided to go with two-time Super Bowl MVP, Eli Manning. Do your worst, Lovitz!
posted by tron7 at 09:18 PM on February 08, 2012
Not unless you suffer from premature imagination.
HA! Awesome.
But if we're going Tecmo Bowl, I'm taking Lawrence Taylor.
posted by MrFrisby at 11:33 PM on February 08, 2012
After cruising Spofi for the last week I've decided to go with two-time Super Bowl MVP, future Hall of Famer, Eli Manning. Do your worst, Lovitz!
Fixed!
posted by Ying Yang Mafia at 12:17 AM on February 09, 2012
That means some average Joe is going to face Bonds in the last inning or two...
I will not bat ever to 2001 Bonds in Coors Field.
Anyway, if I have an average closer, so do they. I guess I'm thinking it is easier to neutralize a great hitter than a great pitcher.
posted by bperk at 10:38 AM on February 09, 2012
I'm going with Don "The Snake" Prudhomme. Funny car. 1975.
posted by rcade at 11:13 AM on February 09, 2012
Land speed record on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah? Those funny cars only enough fuel for a quarter mile. Right? I'm asking in all earnestness here.
posted by NoMich at 11:35 AM on February 09, 2012
If the devil Lovitz gets to put the Snake in a car that's far afield from his comfort zone, I'm counting on his engineering skills, obsession to win and the power of his nickname.
posted by rcade at 11:43 AM on February 09, 2012
I will not bat ever to 2001 Bonds in Coors Field.
In case you are curious, according to baseball-reference.com, 2001 Barry Bonds batting in Coors Field for all his home games would end up with a final season line of:
.385/.576/1.012
200 H
93 HR
197 RBI
227 walks
93 strikeouts
(If he played his whole career for the Rockies (and had Coors as his home field), he would have (supposedly) hit 990 home runs.)
posted by grum@work at 03:41 PM on February 09, 2012
That's incredible. I've played ball in Denver for a few years now and I've never really noticed a difference between here and Wisconsin. My slider bites just fine and it doesn't feel like the ball flies further than it did back home. I'm reading that the ball flies 10% farther at this altitude, that seems like it would be noticeable.
Now that I think about, there is one field that we play at that just will not hold fly balls. Though, that's just one field out of a dozen or so we play at.
posted by tron7 at 10:31 AM on February 10, 2012
That is diabolical.