August 18, 2005

The Unofficial NFL All-Criminal Team : Here's a list of the NFL's all-time top criminals . See if your favorites made the cut .

posted by evil empire to football at 05:24 PM - 36 comments

Young Lawrence, well... he has women problems. He knows more about battery charges than the manufacturers of DieHard and the Energizer bunny combined. Comedy gold. Thanks.

posted by dusted at 05:42 PM on August 18, 2005

Man, only three Cowboys. I think you could fill an entire starting lineup with just past and present Cowboys.

posted by graymatters at 06:02 PM on August 18, 2005

Hard to believe they didn't include Bruce "I wasn't drunk, I have sleep apnea!" Smith on the defensive line.

posted by The_Black_Hand at 06:21 PM on August 18, 2005

Didnt "Prime Time" have a drug bust. Or Am I thinking of Somebody else?

posted by daddisamm at 06:53 PM on August 18, 2005

I guess it's not surprising that football players are abusive in many aspects of their lives.

posted by tina at 07:04 PM on August 18, 2005

Where is former Dallas cornerback Dwayne Goodrich? Isn't plowing into another car and killing two people on your way home from a bar worth anything in this league anymore?

posted by texoma-slim at 07:28 PM on August 18, 2005

Oh, but he turned himself in the next day (after thinning out the alcohol with a little actual blood, maybe? We wouldn't want to add DWI to those charges.)

posted by texoma-slim at 07:31 PM on August 18, 2005

this is from a review of a book called Pros and Cons: The Criminals Who Play in the NFL . Startling in its breadth, Benedict and Yaeger's investigation into the off-the-field violence and criminal behavior that pervades the culture of professional football is as eye opening as it is disturbing. That these guys get into trouble is nothing new, but when their offenses are collected in one place--with mug shots, court records, police reports, and interviews with arresting officers--the effect is as surreal as the statistics: 21 percent of the NFL's players have been charged with a serious crime. How serious? The docket begins with assault, rape, and domestic violence and keeps spiraling out of control. These are not just blind allegations; the authors name names and match felonies to players. Some of the better-known examples: Cornelius Bennett--rape and sexual assault; Cortez Kennedy--domestic violence; Michael Irvin--cocaine and marijuana possession; Nate Newton--sexual assault; Warren Moon--domestic violence; Jake Plummer--sexual abuse; Andre Rison--aggravated assault; Bruce Smith--driving under the influence; and Deion Sanders--aggravated assault, disorderly convict, trespassing, and battery

posted by evil empire at 08:00 PM on August 18, 2005

kinda surprised no one mentioned the "juice". Recently in the news for stealing cable. The bad thing about it is they can get away with it, if it were me or you our ass would fry.

posted by DumbMouseMickey at 08:05 PM on August 18, 2005

he's second on the list , and he paid a huge fine for stealing directv signal .

posted by evil empire at 08:10 PM on August 18, 2005

Pros and Cons was an amazing, illuminating book. I'll never look at Dennis Green the same way. I'd prefer just never to look at him again.

posted by yerfatma at 08:12 PM on August 18, 2005

How come they didn't add Mike Tice as head coach for scalping his Super Bowl tickets ?

posted by evil empire at 08:15 PM on August 18, 2005

Haven't read the book yet. Did Sebastian Janokowski make the list? Don't forget Nate Newton was also arrested and convicted for transporting 100 lbs of marijuana in Louisana.

posted by BevoBacker at 10:50 PM on August 18, 2005

Nate Newton was also arrested and convicted for transporting 100 lbs of marijuana in Louisana. Hey, come on. That was for his own personal use!

posted by psmealey at 06:29 AM on August 19, 2005

Isn't anyone even clicking on the link ? kinda surprised no one mentioned the "juice". Did Sebastian Janokowski make the list? Don't forget Nate Newton was also arrested and convicted for transporting 100 lbs of marijuana in Louisana. All are on the list and Nate Newton got caught with 213 pounds of marijuana not 100 .

posted by evil empire at 08:10 AM on August 19, 2005

Yes, but my question is why? There are other violent contact sports, yet 21% of the league is a whopping number. Hockey players literally punch each other in the head - so too with lacrosse players, but the rate of off-ice/court criminal behaviour doesn't even approach that kind of percentage. So, what? We all 'roid raging around here? Or is it time to ask the question - Does football attract assholes?

posted by WeedyMcSmokey at 08:12 AM on August 19, 2005

I'll never look at Dennis Green the same way. Could you sum up the rap against him? I'm kind of morbidly curious.

posted by cobra! at 09:00 AM on August 19, 2005

I'm all for dark humor, but this makes me queasy, esp. when he jokes about wife-beating being a good preparation for taking down quarterbacks. Also, why is the soliciting for oral sex guy included? That's an embarrassment, not a terrible crime. Sporting News had a piece a few issues ago featuring mini-interviews with players, and it really struck me how half-witted many of them were. Most of them cited incredibly stupid/lame pranks as the pinnacle of humor when asked about the team jokesters. I can't help but think that many NFLers stopped developing mentally and emotionally at 11, not coincidentally also the time that they began to be lauded as superior beings. It put me in mind of "Our Guys", an excellent book concerning the dangers that excessive adulation of athletes poses. This is part of what makes me unable to love football as I used to. The other part is the eternal suckage of my team.

posted by pooch at 09:38 AM on August 19, 2005

Dang, no Hollywood Henderson? Oh--oh! This article only listed players with busts that were actually good at playing?

posted by GalLiTeR at 10:17 AM on August 19, 2005

What about Art Schlichter as the QB? Prison time should account for something on this list.

posted by curlyelk at 10:40 AM on August 19, 2005

Does football attract assholes? I don't think football or basketball attract assholes in the US so much as develop them: you go to a major college program and you are BMOC, just like you were in high school. You get away with murder (or at least a little date rape). Then you make the pros and you're already over-inflated ego is filled to near bursting. It's not suprising, but it's a problem that needs to be addressed. Otherwise, the kid's whole life he has adults hanging on his jock and he winds up with a lack of respect for others Could you sum up the rap against [Dennis Green]? As best I recall, Dennis Green impregnated a stripper while married to someone else. He compelled said stripper to have an abortion, they had a falling out that resolved itself in a courtroom with a gag order placed on both parties. Fast-forward a while, she gets hit on by a guy who makes some unfortunate comments when she turns him down. Guy turns out to be the Minnesota running backs coach, which means Dennis violated the gag order. Welcome back to court, Mr. Green. The whole Green armada in Minnesota was a group of dirtbags of the highest caliber.

posted by yerfatma at 10:42 AM on August 19, 2005

Wait a sec- there have been allegations of an inordinately high percentage of NFL criminals in the past, but the NFL has produced their own special research that says it's no higher than the normal population. Would the NFL fib?

posted by irunfromclones at 10:54 AM on August 19, 2005

Just heard this morning on sportsradio that San Diego Police are offering $1,000 for information leading to the whereabouts of Lawrence Phillips. Is it that hard to not hit every woman you've ever dated?

posted by usfbull at 11:11 AM on August 19, 2005

I think it is ridiculous to call people criminals that haven't been convicted of anything. They should call it the All-Trouble team.

posted by bperk at 11:16 AM on August 19, 2005

The whole Green armada in Minnesota was a group of dirtbags of the highest caliber. Yikes. I'd heard some of the outlines of that, but none of the particulars. When Green was up here, it was pretty strange how obviously he was hated by the Minneapolis sports press. I always thought it was casual racism, but maybe they were just reacting to the guy's sliminess. Re: Lawrence Phillips. I grew up in Nebraska, and it was pretty interesting hearing (and believing, for a while) the constant litany of "the Huskers run a clean program, they don't turn out thugs and criminals like the Florida schools." Not even Lawrence Phillips could dent that perception.

posted by cobra! at 11:22 AM on August 19, 2005

I hadn't heard of Our Guys, the book pooch mentioned. From the top review at Amazon: This next quote is from the book, and refers to Laurino, who was the prosecutor in the case: "But there was something else about this case, something that seemed to provoke him more than it provoked his fellow prosecutors: the values of the defendants. He discerned in their relatively brief lives a pattern of abuse of power, a corruption of decent intent, for which these young men and many of those who had guided them shared responsibility." Sounds like what I (and yerfatma) saw firsthand in high school and college and read about in pro sports.

posted by dusted at 11:48 AM on August 19, 2005

Well, I didn't see it first-hand in school: small prep schools and D3 colleges are undersized ponds. The only real abuse of power was the typical underclassman/ upperclassman prep school stuff. Which I was more than happy to take advantage of once able.

posted by yerfatma at 11:59 AM on August 19, 2005

Oops, I didn't mean to speak for you.

posted by dusted at 12:56 PM on August 19, 2005

This story is kind of along the same lines although not necesarily criminal:

posted by scottypup at 01:09 PM on August 19, 2005

sorry try this didn't create the link right

posted by scottypup at 01:12 PM on August 19, 2005

I really have no idea what I'm doing. Controversial

posted by scottypup at 01:14 PM on August 19, 2005

How about Dexter Manley and his one solid pro-bowl year of cocaine fueled madness?

posted by gradys_kitchen at 03:52 PM on August 19, 2005

I really have no idea what I'm doing. Congrats, pup, you finally did it. Turns out to be a rather interesting link.

posted by tommysands at 04:09 PM on August 19, 2005

sorry but you missed the best defensive lineman. leonard little of the rams. gets drunk, drives his vehicle, kills a woman, gets 90 days at his convenience and a slap on the wrist. couple years later gets pulled over again for dui, refuses to take a breathalyzer, gets acquitted, keeps license, goes free. killer and smart

posted by hullie16 at 09:13 AM on August 20, 2005

Looks like they made up this list a few days too early.

posted by fabulon7 at 07:52 AM on August 22, 2005

A few ommisions that should make honorable mention: DE- Leonard Little- getting all wasted and killing a woman in a car wreck. WR- Andre Rison- Renting all that crap under a fake name from Rent-a-Center and "forgetting" to take take it back. RB- Bam Morris- currently in jail for violating his parole, Originally Picked up on a minor traffic violation and they found 50 lbs of weed in his trunk. Tried to say it was a rental car and he didn't know it was in there. (Damn, I rented a car from Avis and there wasn't even enough pot in it for one joint.)

posted by ArtVandalay420 at 11:25 PM on August 24, 2005

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