September 04, 2008

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week One 2008: Welcome back to another season of the NFL's most misguided and useless handicapping sheet. At least the price is right.

Welcome to Week One of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a masochist with a wad of twenties, were back for more punishment.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, well jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. Well use Danny Sheridans line in the USA Today each week.

Part of our last season crashed and burned, but our records show The Hoser was 113-102-9 ATS, 145-79 SU, 4-9 on the Lock and 1-12 for the Trifecta. We managed to lose nearly $4K during the season, but the postseason helped us out.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which youll see every week:

Remember these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Tatum Bell pick up your luggage at the airport.

Washington (+4) at NY GIANTS O/U 41: With the retirement of Michael Strahan this offseason and the loss of Osi Umenyiora in the preseason, the Giants now have a bigger gap in their D-Line than the one in Strahans mouth. Still, New York has enough to turn back these racists. Giants 23, God Just Change Your Name Alreadys 16.

Cincinnati (-1) at BALTIMORE O/U 39.5: Our understanding is that Ravens quarterbacks coach Hue Jackson is about to be fired in favour of Dr. Gregory House. At least Troy Smith gets unlimited ice cream. Bengals 22, Ravens 13.

N.Y. Jets (-3) at MIAMI O/U 36: All hail the new God, the savior of the franchise, the man you long-suffering fans have been clamoring for Chad Pennington! Dolphins 26, Jets 24.

NEW ENGLAND (-16.5) at Kansas City O/U 46: More than two touchdowns in a season opener with a possibly banged-up Tom Brady under centre? Hey, have you looked at the Chiefs roster? Patriots 37, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+7) at PITTSBURGH O/U 43.5: Every year, hope springs anew for fans in the Houston area and then the Texans are forced to actually start playing. Steelers 26, Houston 20.

Jacksonville (-3) at TENNESSEE O/U 37.5: Nothing funny here just say a prayer for Jags OT Richard Collier. Jaguars 29, Titans 13.

Detroit (-3) at ATLANTA O/U 41: Can we safely stop coming up with Matt Millen jokes and start working on some Michael Vick material? Lions 27, Falcons 17.

Seattle (PK) at BUFFALO O/U 39: Did the same panel that helped John McCain select his VP choice Sarah Palin also advise the Seahawks on their receiving corps for this season? Bills 20, Seahawks 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS O/U 42.5: Our thoughts are with everyone down in the Gulf Coast this week and our middle fingers are up for the Bucs front-office staff. Why the hell did it take this long to release Chris Simms? Saints 27, Bucs 19.

St. Louis (+7.5) at PHILADELPHIA O/U 44.5: Odds on the Eagles covering very good. Odds on Donovan McNabb actually playing a full season very bad. Eagles 29, Rams 17.

Dallas (-5) at CLEVELAND O/U 49: This game will be like an old man wearing Crocs at the mall theres just no defense. Cowboys 34, Browns 23.

Carolina (+9) at SAN DIEGO O/U 42: We went looking for a joke about Chargers linebacker Shawne Merrimans two torn knee ligaments and instead found videos of amputees in bikinis. Explain yourself, Google! Chargers 24, Panthers 22.

Arizona (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO O/U 42: J.T. OSullivan? Seriously? Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5) at Chicago O/U 44.5: The good news Peyton Manning will play. The bad news so will one of the Bears quarterbacks. Colts 30, Bears 16.

GREEN BAY (-3) at Minnesota O/U 38.5: We love new Packer QB Aaron Rodgers, but talk about a tough gig. This is like following Ron Jeremy on set. Vikings 22, Packers 20.

Denver (-3) at OAKLAND O/U 41.5: Raiders wideout Javon Walker has repeatedly spoken of quitting football during training camp and now has a hamstring pull and hes Oaklands No. 1 receiver! God we love Al Davis! Broncos 26, Raiders 19.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Jacksonville, Detroit

Over/Under Good Buys: Dolphins/Jets Over

posted by wfrazerjr to football at 07:18 PM - 16 comments

I know summer is almost over when two things happen. One, the kidlets head back to school, two, when The Hoser's picks appear on Sportsfilter. I look forward to your picks, Fraze, without them, I wouldn't know who to bet against.

posted by tommybiden at 08:17 PM on September 04, 2008

I am shocked. That's right, shocked. And dismayed too. Yes shocked AND dismayed, that there was no, an absolute and total lack of, "Ricky Williams is a stoner" jokes, despite his signing of an extention this week. C'mon, focus!

"Jason Taylor must be scratching his head. Missing some voluntary workouts to be on Dancing With the Stars gets you traded by The Tuna, but, apparently, missing two years of your career to be on a tie-dye microbus in a cloud of the chronic gets you a contract extention. WTF?"

I mean, Jeez, how hard is that?

posted by gradioc at 09:14 PM on September 04, 2008

The Tuna don't tolerate dancin' man. Just get it through your head.

Is that a new format on the blog, Fraze? Looks great, whether new or not.

posted by tahoemoj at 09:35 PM on September 04, 2008

Love this stuff. Glad to see it back again this year. Thanks fraze.

posted by DudeDykstra at 09:44 PM on September 04, 2008

Welcome back, Hoser. It's great to have the picks to laugh at, argue with, and enjoy thoroughly., to see if I measure up to Ron Jeremy's standards...

posted by Howard_T at 09:48 PM on September 04, 2008

Yaaaay Hoser!!!

posted by lil_brown_bat at 10:48 PM on September 04, 2008

Thanks for the kind words, folks.

We're off to a rousing 1-0 start, but I'll have to speak to Commissioner Goddell -- it appears Tatum Bell may have mistakenly picked up all my apostrophes.

Any ideas on that, Pantheon?

posted by wfrazerjr at 07:36 AM on September 05, 2008

Fraze, you really think the Chiefs can score 17? I don't think the defense can pull that off, and the offense sure as hell ain't going to do it.

posted by hawkguy at 09:47 AM on September 05, 2008

You dont need any stinkin apostrosphes. Bell thought he was picking up the apostrophes for a teammate.

posted by bperk at 10:35 AM on September 05, 2008

Buffalo to win? really? I know there is no one to catch the ball but their "D" and running game should smoke the bills

posted by Debo270 at 02:04 PM on September 05, 2008

Being a Bears fan in Indy is going to fun on Sunday night. It should be Bears 30 & Colts 16

posted by DaBears at 02:18 PM on September 05, 2008

"Being a Bears fan in Indy is going to fun on Sunday night. It should be Bears 30 & Colts 16"

Just keep telling yourself that, pal. Can Hester really score 30 by himself?

posted by curlyelk at 02:29 PM on September 05, 2008

" Houston (+7) at PITTSBURGH O/U 43.5: Every year, hope springs anew for fans in the Houston area and then the Texans are forced to actually start playing. Steelers 26, Houston 20"

Ouch! Thanks for the high, hard one to all Texans fans. Then again, it wouldn't be funny if it wasn't true. I hear Houston is thinking considering signing Tatum Bell to shore up the running game. Thank God for college football....

posted by ksb122 at 04:57 PM on September 05, 2008

Being a Bears fan in Indy is going to fun on Sunday night. It should be Bears 30 & Colts 16

Rah, Rah, Rah, my team is better than your team. Go Bears, Go.

Terrific contribution to the site, da,duh!

posted by tommybiden at 09:28 PM on September 05, 2008

Hoo boy, it's gonna be another long year in Detroit.

posted by NoMich at 04:36 PM on September 07, 2008

Week One results:

Straight Up: 9-7

Against The Spread: 8-8

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Total Money: $+40

Have we ever been in the positive in any time in the history of The Hoser? Why, that's almost a six-pack at The Beer Store!

posted by wfrazerjr at 02:21 PM on September 09, 2008

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