January 26, 2005

Mike Vrabel had my testicles in his hand, and he was squeezing them: Sports Illustrated explores what happens at the bottom of the pile.

posted by Joey Michaels to football at 03:17 PM - 28 comments

There is now officially too much time between the conference championships and the Super Bowl. Game on! Please!

posted by DrJohnEvans at 03:42 PM on January 26, 2005

"But no spitting. Think about it -- you might spit on yourself." That's awesome.

posted by dirigibleman at 04:11 PM on January 26, 2005

In a junior varsity game in high school, a linebacker from the opposing team bit me on the arm in the bottom of a pile. When we were all finally separated, I approached the ref and showed him the clearly recognizable dental record. Here was the exchange: Me: "That m******f****** bit me!" Ref: "Well, how am I supposed to know who did it?" Me: "Jesus, you don't think it's the guy who didn't have his f****** helmet on at the end of the play, do you?" I still didn't get the flag, but I got the guy back in the second half. My buddy cut his legs and I stomped on his crotch as I ran to downfield block. You could hear the cup shatter right before he started screaming.

posted by wfrazerjr at 05:08 PM on January 26, 2005

Sport. It brings out the best in all of us.

posted by chicobangs at 05:38 PM on January 26, 2005

frazer did you and a buddy intentionally set that up?

posted by DaGeneral at 06:00 PM on January 26, 2005

I think George Orwell's O'Brien said it best: "If you want a vision of high school, imagine cleats stamping on a human crotch--forever."

posted by Uncle Toby at 08:56 PM on January 26, 2005

wfrazerjr makes his presence felt in another testicular-related post....

posted by smithers at 10:24 PM on January 26, 2005

General, yes and no ... I just let my teammates know I was looking for someone to put him down. Here's the great thing about that game, though -- we lost it 64-0. We were playing a Catholic school which chose to bring its entire junior class, all of whom looked like Dolph Lundgren. We, on the other hand, were a grand total of 16, and I and two other guys were the only varsity players. I think I was just so pissed off that someone would do something that shitty and stupid in a complete blowout that ... well, to paraphrase Animal House: This calls for a completely stupid and futile gesture on someone's part. And Chris and I were just the guys to do it.

posted by wfrazerjr at 10:38 PM on January 26, 2005

that may be the best and worst story i've ever heard about high school football. My crotch hurts just reading that! Hope I never piss you off somewhere.

posted by bigwhisky at 10:52 PM on January 26, 2005

So was this before or after your own testicle destruction?

posted by dusted at 10:53 PM on January 26, 2005

never happened to me personally. Just the simple phenomenon of phantom pain. You see some blooper of a guy getting his nits crushed and it sends a shiver down to your own scrotum. capisce.

posted by bigwhisky at 11:02 PM on January 26, 2005

I couldn't be more pleased with the responses to this post if my own testicles had been crushed.

posted by Joey Michaels at 11:29 PM on January 26, 2005

I had a somewhat similar experience in a Tae Kwon Do tourney back when I was youngish. This guy I was fighting kept kicking me in the back (illegal) and then got cocky since the ref wasn't calling anything and tried his damnedest to get a crotch shot in. Fortunately, I reacted quickly enough and he whiffed. I then, promptly, got really pissed off and stuck my heel straight in his eye. The best part is, my parents have video of it.

posted by Ufez Jones at 12:50 AM on January 27, 2005

Testicles are funny.

posted by fabulon7 at 08:00 AM on January 27, 2005

posted by BigCalm at 08:18 AM on January 27, 2005

Dan Savage, 2nd question. Reluctant ball popper.

posted by NoMich at 09:51 AM on January 27, 2005

ufez, you must digitize and link said video.

posted by garfield at 10:09 AM on January 27, 2005

The stomping incident was two years before I lost my left testicle. That came via playing my senior season with a bad hernia, then having the surgeon somehow cut the blood flow to it (or something -- Dr. Shakyhands died shortly after the surgery and I wasn't inclined to go after anyone anyway). The doctor giving me the preseason physical found it and said I couldn't play until I had the operation and healed, but my coach and I convinced him otherwise. It was my senior year, for God's sake. The testicle still exists, just in a much smaller and non-functional fashion. I could add other information here about the biological effects of such a mishap, but decorum prevents me. For some reason, my groin has always had a big frickin' bullseye on it. I was catching in a summer league in high school and a guy who had just struck out swung back around as I came up to throw the ball around, hitting me square in the cup. Total accident, but I ended up barfing on home plate. God, I miss those days.

posted by wfrazerjr at 12:45 PM on January 27, 2005

NoMich, I will never EVER read another link of yours again because I am in so much pain just from reading that letter! Damn damn damn damn!

posted by billsaysthis at 02:44 PM on January 27, 2005

You know what? I am only just now thinking of attaching a "(NSFW)" to that Dan Savage link for those that don't know that he's not your average sex columnist guy. Sorry! wfrazerjr, Ha! Too funny. The barfing part, I mean.

posted by NoMich at 03:04 PM on January 27, 2005

I am not sure that Dan Savage counts as a sports link. It is wonderful that the Interweb has given people the ability to meet other people with similar interests, though. Also, ouch.

posted by Joey Michaels at 03:32 PM on January 27, 2005

I am not sure that Dan Savage counts as a sports link. Yeah, but it did have something to do with the subject of this thread.

posted by NoMich at 03:45 PM on January 27, 2005

Sooo..... Can I start linking porn? It always has something to do with something... I think. Yes, I'm sure of it.

posted by WeedyMcSmokey at 05:05 PM on January 27, 2005

Sure, why not? Porn for everybody! As long as it relates to violently squeezing testicles.

posted by NoMich at 06:07 PM on January 27, 2005

NoMich: I was just making a joke. I thought it was a subject appropriate link. I just hate making the little winking eye smiley face thing on Sportfilter. Makes me feel less manly.

posted by Joey Michaels at 11:07 PM on January 27, 2005

I played offensive and defensive line in high school, and I've been at the bottom of the pile (without any testicular damage). I recovered a fumble, then managed to hold on while (literally) a ton of people jumped on me. Once was enough. Also, blocking a kick is not much fun, considering that the guy's kicking it hard enough to make it go 40 yards, and it goes four feet into your face.

posted by kirkaracha at 12:48 AM on January 28, 2005

SportsFilter: We hate making the little winking eye smiley face thing!

posted by billsaysthis at 03:36 PM on January 28, 2005

Sorry Joey, didn't mean come off as an arse. Where's that damn dancing banana?

posted by NoMich at 04:13 PM on January 28, 2005

You're not logged in. Please log in or register.