September 17, 2010

The Hoser's NFL Picks 2010 -- Week Two: NFL picks that, like a new Cialis user, have nowhere to go but up.

posted by wfrazerjr to football at 06:43 PM - 13 comments

We were a dreadful 5-8-3 against the spread to open the season

Jeez, don't feel bad about that. Week 1 is always freaky, this season was no exception.

posted by lil_brown_bat at 09:57 PM on September 17, 2010

I'm afraid you're a little too Kenyan thinking for the Washington game. And don't you fuck with Sir Purr. Remember, "mascot" is just a letter away from "ascot."

posted by NoMich at 10:42 PM on September 17, 2010

uglier than Tony Siragusa bouncin' on a diving board in a jock strap

And thank you soooo much for that lovely image stuck in my mind now.

posted by steelergirl at 02:42 AM on September 18, 2010

I had a feeling that Hard Knocks, however entertaining it was, would be a curse for my boastful Jets. You know the Pats are ready for them and hate them even more. The only upside I see is that the Jets' offense can't play any worse than they did against the Ravens. Can they?

I think Rex needs to rethink his strategy of having the defense play most of the game.

posted by afl-aba at 09:32 AM on September 18, 2010

Lucky for the Dolphins that they're playing two of their "up north" away games early in September. And there's more to come before the overnight frost really starts settling in.

I don't remember the Dolphins ever having such a high percentage of regular season games against northern latitude teams in the currently configured NFL, either home or away. Tennessee and Oakland are the only moderate climate teams they play all season.

posted by beaverboard at 12:35 PM on September 18, 2010

Miami should have scheduled the Minnesota game for later in the is not a factor in that ugly Metrodome.

posted by dviking at 12:47 PM on September 18, 2010

The only upside I see is that the Jets' offense can't play any worse than they did against the Ravens. Can they?

No. The Pats secondary has way more holes than that. Whether Sanchez can exploit them or not, I don't know. Plus the Pats make-shift frontline didn't look great against the run (in my eyes anyway). They had some good stops at or behind the line, but let the runner pick up positive yardage in almost every case.

posted by yerfatma at 12:47 PM on September 18, 2010

"How big will Johnson get"? Does that not depend on his Cialis dosage?

If I ever have something last for more than 4 hours, we're not calling a doctor. My wife will be calling her friends and I'll be calling the Pope to have it declared a miracle.

posted by Howard_T at 03:29 PM on September 18, 2010

I'm not sure how I feel about that statement, fatty. If the Pats allow positive yardage on the run, then that may mean Sanchez will never get a chance to exploit the Pats secondary (at least not the way the Ravens did the Jets) other than maybe one Hail Mary per half, per quarter at the most.

on principle I still refuse to click on the (self)link even though I still enjoy fraze's one liners

posted by MrFrisby at 03:57 AM on September 19, 2010

Frisby, I believe the self-link has been approved by the hierarchy here. I used to post the entire column here, but with the issues of the preview slashies and reformatting everything, I just stopped doing it.

If it makes it easier for everyone, I can just post it here, though:

Welcome to Week Two of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we haven't been this much in love with a Foster since we first saw "Freaky Friday."

We were a dreadful 5-8-3 against the spread to open the season, although we did manage to hit the Lock of the Week in Green Bay. Indianapolis cost us the Trifecta, and we were 11-5 straight up. That's uglier than Tony Siragusa bouncin' on a diving board in a jock strap, to paraphrase Tim Wilson.

We generally sympathize with NFL players because of their unguaranteed contracts, short careers and the damage they inflict on their bodies. But to then watch Darrelle Revis and Randy Moss bellyache about the millions of dollars they're making is like hearing a lottery winner gripe because they wouldn't pay him in all $20s. Both of those guys need to spend a few months working in the stands selling beer and then come back and let us know if they have any more complaints.

Remember these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as reporting former NHL coaches dead without calling them first.

Kansas City (-2) at CLEVELAND (38): Matt Cassel vs. Seneca Wallace who says the NFL isn't a quarterback-driven league? Chiefs 23, Browns 16.

Buffalo (+13) at GREEN BAY (43): After Packers running back Ryan Grant was lost for the season, fantasy owners grabbed Brandon Jackson faster than Washington snatched Clinton Portis's cell phone. Packers 33, Bills 17.

Baltimore (-1.5) at CINCINNATI (40): We keep hearing about whether there are enough balls to go around in Cincy and it makes us wish Scott Thompson was still doing Buddy Cole skits. Ravens 20, Bengals 14.

Pittsburgh (+5) at TENNESSEE (37): A crisp $50 bill if The Tennessean runs a story about the popularity of a certain Titan RB with the headline "How Big Will Johnson Get?" Titans 26, Steelers 17.

Philadelphia (-4.5) at DETROIT (41): Michael Vick's back, and at least one guy's forgotten all of Vick's transgressions Kevin Kolb. Eagles 24, Lions 17.

Chicago (+8.5) at DALLAS (41): Hosting the Super Bowl and already 0-1, which do you think is tighter -- Jerry Jones's face or anus? Cowboys 27, Bears 20.

Arizona (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43): We predict Cardinal RB Chris Wells will become a star as soon as people stop calling him "Beanie." That's just embarrassing. Falcons 21, Cardinals 19.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at CAROLINA (39): Another prediction the Panthers don't win a Super Bowl until they dump their mascot, "Sir Purr." That's something your grandmother has on her lap in-between knitting sessions. Panthers 20, Buccaneers 14.

Miami (+5.5) at MINNESOTA (39): The Vikings have been scouring the league looking for wide receivers. Hey, Amhad Rashad's available! Dolphins 19, Vikings 16.

St. Louis (+4) at OAKLAND (37.5): Watching "Jersey Shore" could be more entertaining at least Snooki might get punched. Raiders 22, Rams 17.
Seattle (+3.5) at DENVER (40): Laurence Maroney that'll get the Broncos over the hump! Seahawks 21, Broncos 17.

Houston (-3) at WASHINGTON (43.5): We'd go watch this game if we didn't think we'd be too close to that crazy, African-born Muslim socialist running your country. Canadians can trust FOXNews, right? Texans 24, Racists 19.

Jacksonville (+8) at SAN DIEGO (45): Note to Charger QB Philip Rivers getting pissy and stomping around like a three-year-old when the crowd noise is deafening does not make them shut up. Touchdown passes do. Chargers 27, Jaguars 17.

New England (-2) at NY JETS (38): The issues with females and the Jets have been solved all locker room reports will now be filed by Helen Thomas. Patriots 23, Jets 16.

New Orleans (-4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): This line is predicated on 49ers coach Mike Singletary being able to scare his team back on track in one week. We fear Mike's stare, but we're terrified of Drew Brees' arm. Saints 27, 49ers 17.

NY Giants (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (48): What we can't find for this game the over/under on total time under center making stupid arm movements. Colts 26, Giants 24.

Lock of the Week: Carolina

Trifecta: Carolina, Seattle, Baltimore

2010 Week One Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 5-8-3
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-180

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 5-8-3
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-180

2009 Week 15 Money Spent: $10
2009 Week 15 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $10
2009 Season Money Made: $0
2009 Total: $-10

The format will stay as it has been each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we'll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We'll use Danny Sheridan's line in the USA Today each week.

posted by wfrazerjr at 10:52 AM on September 19, 2010

on principle I still refuse to click on the (self)link even though I still enjoy fraze's one liners

Frazer linking to his weekly football predictions is admin approved.

posted by rcade at 11:14 AM on September 19, 2010

I vaguely remember the discussion, I thought it was just to be a temporary thing while there was technical difficulties during the server move.
/steps down off high horse

posted by MrFrisby at 02:29 PM on September 19, 2010

Trifecta: Carolina, Seattle, Baltimore

So does the Trifecta still count if all 3 teams lost?

Ouch. Horrible week so far for the hoser.

Please keep saying the Steelers will lose though. We like being underdogs!

posted by scully at 08:48 AM on September 20, 2010

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