July 22, 2003

***SPOFI LOCKER ROOM INTERVIEW #12*** wfrazerjr: "MY PIEHOLE IS WIDE OPEN." With an opener like that, where else can we go? Find out as I conduct a speed-interview with wfrazerjr, a SpoFi personality with real sports cred.

posted by worldcup2002 to navel gazing at 09:13 PM - 116 comments

Let's go! Q1. You said you were "putting out the paper this evening." Tell us about the paper. What's it called? What is it about? Is this your full-time job?

posted by worldcup2002 at 09:18 PM on July 22, 2003

Well, I suppose I can start talking now that I'm in the right thread. My job is general manager/editor of the Spencer County Journal-Democrat, a small weekly in the very southern tip of Indiana. No, it's not online. We're angry Luddites. Actually, the paper is not deep enough for us to post the news on a web site, because the whole thing would be there and no one would have to pay for the actual newsstand copies. We cover a relatively small market, and our top story this week is a couple videotaping themselves having sex with a 16-year-old male. Take that, New York! I also have no writers at the moment, save one incredibly talented high-school junior who someday will be kicking some major ass in this field, I think. That means I'm writing just about everything that appears in the paper, which is a bit taxing, and cuts into my column time. I'm peeved, but on the other hand, expenses are way down, which means a fat bonus. OTOH, I highly doubt that bonus will offset the amount of overtime I'm working. Oh well ... this is a labor of love, not money. I suppose a work history is in order. I have done radio (play-by-play and color, DJ), television (hosting of talk shows, play-by-play, co-host of professional wrestling show) and print (sports editor, managing editor, now Mr. Daddy Pants for first time). I have also: owned a baseball-card shop taught behaviorally disabled students been a personnel director for a sporting-goods chain My current vocation, however, is it. The company I work for is terrific, and unless they burn me at the stake, I'm not leaving. Well ... unless I had a chance to cover major-league baseball, and then I'd consider it. Even if it was the Mets.

posted by wfrazerjr at 10:07 PM on July 22, 2003

Wait! I was going to post a comment before you answered. Aw, nerts... Mr. Daddy Pants Am I reading correctly in that you're now a father? If so, congrats! We just had our third. Kids are awesome. Diapers aren't.

posted by kloeprich at 10:27 PM on July 22, 2003

No, "Mr. Daddy Pants" means I'm the boss at the paper. I have no children of my own ... but I do a lot of work with unwed mothers. Just helping them get their starts, you know?

posted by wfrazerjr at 10:29 PM on July 22, 2003

Ahhh. Don't get me started on the Steve Martin riffs.

posted by kloeprich at 10:34 PM on July 22, 2003

Over here, I have a rubber-chicken graph.

posted by wfrazerjr at 10:40 PM on July 22, 2003

So, I bought 10 tons of cardboard at 3 cents a ton - now it's up to 5 cents, so, well, you do the math. The best part is I got a special deal where I only have to keep half of it at my house.

posted by kloeprich at 10:50 PM on July 22, 2003

You know, K, if we'd thought of this stuff, we'd be rich. And have made a movie with Lily Tomlin. Omelette du fromage.

posted by wfrazerjr at 11:10 PM on July 22, 2003

So he gets a mulligan on the interview and I didn't? It's because I'm Italian isn't it? Whatever. My people built your railroads. At the very worst my people supplied the people who built your railroads with pasta. Delicious, delicious pasta. This favoritism is bullshit. Expect to hear from my lawyers. I should never have fired my agent.

posted by Samsonov14 at 11:15 PM on July 22, 2003

It's no coincidence that's the only decent movie she ever made. Well, 9 to 5 was decent I guess. And there was this ... How to make a million dollars: first, get a million dollars.

posted by kloeprich at 11:17 PM on July 22, 2003

Mulligan my ass. I'm in here slaving over a hot keyboard while putting together a business page and trading Steve Martin lines, baby. And can I have some pasta?

posted by wfrazerjr at 11:23 PM on July 22, 2003

Pasta does sound good. What kinda sauce we talkin' about?

posted by kloeprich at 11:29 PM on July 22, 2003

Samsonov, as your attorney I would like to voice my support for the pasta request.

posted by 86 at 11:31 PM on July 22, 2003

Straight-up Italian grandmother marinara, heavy on the garlic. Not that I can eat any of it I'm on a diet through the newspaper to raise money for our county humane society. Bring me a shoe with cheese on it, force it down my throat and I want to massage your grandmother, ok, pal?

posted by wfrazerjr at 11:35 PM on July 22, 2003

Oh and soup! My wife's Italian grandmother - God rest her soul - would never serve pasta without soup. It's like the French have a different word for everything.

posted by kloeprich at 11:43 PM on July 22, 2003

Hahahaha. And we should leave it at that. (Crazy Italians.) Q2. What a colorful work history. We'll come back to that later. Now, you said you had to "be on the road Thursday and Friday." Where are you going and why? Also, as a seasoned news industry worker and management type, do you think I have a future in sports reporting? How much would you pay me and what would I be doing?

posted by worldcup2002 at 11:44 PM on July 22, 2003

I'm headed to Shelbyville, KY (try the turnip juice!), for a couple of days of general manager training, which entails learning how to read spreadsheets and reports and basically make more money for the company and myself. Interesting town home of Colonel Sanders and his wife Claudia's totally kick-ass upscale restaurant. The company (I make them sound like Big Brother, but they really are great) takes a very serious interest in developing managers from within, and so we're all being groomed to move up the chain of papers. LCNI owns 53 properties now, I believe, and its parent company owns The Weather Channel. Booyah. As an amateur stormchaser, I'd love to end up there as a helmet-haired meteorologist, standing on a dock as gale-force winds buffeted me. Why do those guys do that? Do you have to stand in a hurricane to prove it's actually happening? Is it an initiation ritual into the Weathercaster's Club? WC2k2, I see you as a cross between Lisa Guerrero and Eric Dickerson. No, wait ... just Dickerson. Do you have a pointy head? Actually, your conversational style would lend you to writing columns, and since you love football, I'd think you'd be pretty good writing about whatever it is that excites people about grown men kicking one another in the shins and not scoring.

posted by wfrazerjr at 12:06 AM on July 23, 2003

Lisa Guerrero: Hot Eric Dickerson: Not I think I've been insulted.

posted by worldcup2002 at 12:59 AM on July 23, 2003

Q3. Well, off all the jobs you've had, which did you like best? Why? Also, what did you study in school, and how did it prepare you for you jobs?"

posted by worldcup2002 at 01:02 AM on July 23, 2003

In the photo, though, Lisa kinda has that Mask face going. Can Jay Leno get his chin back?

posted by wfrazerjr at 01:11 AM on July 23, 2003

Folks, I'm out for the night, but I'll be back in at 5:30 CST to finish sports and thrill you with my misdeeds at one of the biggest party schools in the country. Of all the jobs I've ever had, which did I like best? Oh, Lord, wc2K2 ... did you mean to leave that so wide open? (insert emoticon here)

posted by wfrazerjr at 01:14 AM on July 23, 2003

Good morning. Is it too early for a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon?

posted by gspm at 03:04 AM on July 23, 2003


posted by wfrazerjr at 05:54 AM on July 23, 2003

This is a goddamned funny interview. And now I'm throwing dog poop on your shoes.

posted by vito90 at 08:22 AM on July 23, 2003

All threads should end by flinging poo.

posted by corpse at 08:48 AM on July 23, 2003

behaviorally disabled ??

posted by StarFucker at 08:56 AM on July 23, 2003

Pardon me, amend that to "behaviorally challenged." I taught at a school where we dealt with high schoolers with severe emotional problems. I lost one my last year to a murder charge. He was 13. I'm also headed into a couple of meetings, but should be out in an hour or so. I'll answer Question 3 then.

posted by wfrazerjr at 09:28 AM on July 23, 2003

Dear Miss Hoover, you have Lyme disease. We miss you. Kevin is biting me. Come back soon. Here's a drawing of a spirokeet. Love, Ralph.

posted by jerseygirl at 09:41 AM on July 23, 2003

The question is not necessarily what did I study, but rather, did you study at all? I attended Southern Illinois University at Carbondale one of the most noted party schools in the country and alma mater of this young lady. It's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to learn there. I attended the home of those bracket-busting Salukis (which is an Egyptian dog the area the school is located in is known as Little Egypt) after being stupid enough to pass up a chance to play football at about 100 Division III colleges. I wasn't all that good, but I was (note the past tense) smart, and the coaches liked me because I also planned to coach, I think. Instead, I submitted myself to the Carbondale admissions process ("Do you have a pulse? Do you have a check?") and packed my stuff for four years of flipping over cars at Halloween celebrations, drinking after giving blood and fun nights at sorority houses. I participated in one of the rowdiest marching bands on earth, had breakfast with Bill Buckley and Arthur Schlesinger Jr. (who was amused that I asked if he was related to the Leon Schlesinger who directed many Bugs Bunny cartoons in the '40s) and worked as a morning-drive DJ at the campus radio station. Then I went to SIU-Edwardsville and got an education. There, I studied under a master, Bill Ward, a man who made me cry in his office once after questioning my desire to write. Once a student called him a racist, yelled "Fuck you!" and stormed out of the class, to which Ward replied, "Can I quote you on that?!?" Great man. I left a couple times to go out and be a knob, and was fortunate enough to come back and be taught by my other great mentor, Mike Montgomery. I still guest on his radio show every so often. Last time we talked about selling used boxer shorts on Ebay. I'm sure my mother, who was supposed to be listening at work, was mortified. I think my life has prepared me for this job. I'm really fortunate, as I've only really been in the paper business for four years and I have my own ship. I forgot to add in the resume up there I also spent a bit more than a year selling and writing TV commercials for cable in a few small markets in central Illinois. That was a stinking blast. Two years ago, had you asked me if I thought I was on the right track, I'd have said no. Now ... chug chug chug, baby.

posted by wfrazerjr at 10:29 AM on July 23, 2003

Man, am I that boring? Where'd everybody go?

posted by wfrazerjr at 11:35 AM on July 23, 2003

Good for you, wfrazer. Q4. Now, tell us about your love affair with baseball. How did it begin? What turned you into the rabid fan you are today?

posted by worldcup2002 at 11:39 AM on July 23, 2003

I mean, good that you're on the right track, not that you're boring. I am enjoying this interview. Just trying to keep chug-chuggin' along. I myself have three meetings today, and will have to finish this interview by 230pm Pacific time. Can we get to 10 questions and answers by then? The suspense is killing me.

posted by worldcup2002 at 11:41 AM on July 23, 2003

I think I prefer Behaviorally Disabled. Tipping over cars? That's it? I thought you were going thrill us with your misdeeds. Drinking stories man, we need drinking stories! Don't mean to derail you WC, but we can't let wfraze get away with too much of this Leo Buscaglia crap.

posted by kloeprich at 11:46 AM on July 23, 2003

I choo-choo-choose drinking stories.

posted by cobra! at 11:52 AM on July 23, 2003

Hmm, drinking stories ... well, I once served a beer to Woody Harrelson, but it wouldn't be a big deal unless I was his weed supplier. I did, on my 22nd birthday, drink several 40 oz. bottles of Old English 800, a fifth of Night Train and a flask of brandy before hitting the keg. I was standing there talking to some girl when I apparently passed out in midsentence and crashed to the floor. My friends were kind enough to leave on the hardwood for the night, where my nose bled profusely. The next morning, I woke and couldn't get up because the blood had basically sealed my face to the parquet, at least to the point where I thought it would REALLY hurt if I tried to rip my cheek off it. A little hot water did the trick, but man, was that nasty.

posted by wfrazerjr at 11:53 AM on July 23, 2003

I also once drank a gallon of beer on a bet (after starting earlier), then attempted to walk back to my dorm room. It was only a quarter-mile or so, but I made the tactical error of trying to cross a creek via water pipe. Needless to say, I was about as steady as Robert Downey Jr. at a pharmaceutical convention, and fell in. Now, this was December, right before Christmas break. I crashed through the thin ice, and then couldn't get out of the water except to wade upstream to a less severe slope. I managed to drag myself home and get into the dorm before passing out in the elevator, frozen overcoat and all. There are remained all morning, riding up and down. Lovely.

posted by wfrazerjr at 12:02 PM on July 23, 2003


posted by StarFucker at 12:10 PM on July 23, 2003

"several 40 oz. bottles of Old English 800, a fifth of Night Train and a flask of brandy" --- Damn.

posted by 86 at 12:17 PM on July 23, 2003

I had issues in college with beer and alcohol and other things. Now I just have issues with fantasy sports and SpoFi. I'm not sure which is more dangerous.

posted by wfrazerjr at 12:23 PM on July 23, 2003

Women. Was that an option?

posted by kloeprich at 12:25 PM on July 23, 2003

posted by StarFucker at 12:28 PM on July 23, 2003

No, no issues with women. I suppose one could develop them, but what's the point? As Sam Kinison said, "Thanks, God. Thanks for the big menu." I actually get along with women tremendously well, and most of friends are female. I think it's because I'm pretty emotionally driven. Or maybe because I like malls.

posted by wfrazerjr at 12:33 PM on July 23, 2003

Wow, my love affair with baseball ... Well, neither of my folks are huge fans. It was my mom, however, who was in the backyard hitting me baseballs and playing catch, as my dad was a shift worker. I grew up playing shortstop and center fielder, because I was pretty fast as a kid and relatively small. That changed when I left eighth grade and grew three inches and gained 45 pounds in about four months. Suddenly, I was a slap-hitting shortstop with no speed and not a particularly great arm. That left me out of the majors and led me to sportswriting. Hey, if you can't be Ozzie, talk to him, right? I also grew up listening to the greatest announcer in baseball history, Jack Buck, on KMOX's Cardinal broadcasts almost every night. I had those huge headphones that covered damn near your entire skull, but it was like sitting in the booth with Jack. When the Cards were off or finished early, I had an old Fisher tuner that would pull in games from everywhere - Houston, LA, Chicago. Great stuff. I think what really made me love baseball (and softball nowadays) is that even though I'm not the greatest athlete in the world, I can make myself useful through intelligence and knowledge of the game. When I was in high school our manager used to put me on first base sometimes, and I swear, I almost enjoyed that more than the playing. Almost. Plus, it's a sport where hustle definitely counts, and I don't lack for that. I have to or get left in the dust at big tourneys. Now, I coach every chance I get. I just finished a season with a 13-15 team that, while not very successful in terms of record (5-6-1), was successful in getting one kid out of his shell and into the game some. That made the season right there. Baseball, to me, is not just a sport or a pasttime. It's something that binds some of us together, the same way soccer binds others, I think.

posted by wfrazerjr at 12:54 PM on July 23, 2003

those are some pretty good drinking stories and the same guy featured in both of them. heh.

posted by gspm at 01:45 PM on July 23, 2003

Man, am I that boring? Where'd everybody go? I'm still sitting here in shock that someone, in this day and age, is so happy over being the editor/writer of a small town newspaper and not looking for the first big city paper he can hook up with. I remember my first job out of J School, with a small weekly in NJ, paid $10,000 a year for me to type in the bowling scores, lunch menus and take the occasional house for sale ad photo.

posted by billsaysthis at 02:19 PM on July 23, 2003

Hey, that sounds like Jayson Blair's new gig.

posted by kloeprich at 02:34 PM on July 23, 2003

Awesome stories, wfrazer, with drinking stories thrown in. I'm not sure, we'll finish this today. Maaaan. I guess we could let this one ride until you get back. Wonder how long this link'll last on the Locker Room main page. Anyway, we soldier on ... Q5. Do you still get plastered nowadays? What's your poison?

posted by worldcup2002 at 04:03 PM on July 23, 2003

Bill, I got into this business to affect change, really, and the best place to do that is at a small newspaper. I still kinda have this dream in the back of my head to be a big-city columnist along the lines of Mike Royko or Mitch Albom ... but I hate the big city, which is sort of a problem. I expect to move up the chain here, but I never want to get somewhere so big that I don't know what's going to be in the paper next day. That's not journalism that's business.

posted by wfrazerjr at 06:03 PM on July 23, 2003

I would say I tie a good one on perhaps every six months to a year. I really dislike being out of control, and I have this odd responsibility gene that makes me want to be the designated driver. I will have the occasional 7&7 when I'm out singing, or a Guinness or Harp's with a meal. Pretty much anything American sucks, unfortunately, and I say that as a native of the town of Budweiser. If I'm looking to go Foster Brooks, I'll slam down three or four black Russians. Those things are the alcoholic equivalent of the Russian mafia. I consider the amount of alcohol I drank in college to have put me in the "binge drinking alcoholic" category, and about eight years ago I just decided that was enough. Of course, I haven't put down the turkey legs yet, but that's a totally different story. While all this may make me sound like a fuddy-duddy, there are a few positives: 1) The rest of the folks I'm with always have a sober ride home. 2) I generally spend the money I would have spent drinking on other people's drinks. 3) I keep the jukebox fed.

posted by wfrazerjr at 06:13 PM on July 23, 2003

3) I keep the jukebox fed. Sure, but are you feeding it in order to play Bruce?

posted by billsaysthis at 06:23 PM on July 23, 2003

Dude, you are SOOOO Eighties. And actually, so am I, although not a huge Bruce fan. I dig New Wave and Pop 80's crap, and also a lot of the newer country stuff. No, that does not mean I'm sleeping with a cousin. Other big faves BNL, Matthew Sweet, Lyle Lovett, They Might Be Giants, Weird Al, Blood Sweat & Tears, et al.

posted by wfrazerjr at 06:37 PM on July 23, 2003

Don't go dissing Budweiser (the real one).

posted by dusted at 06:38 PM on July 23, 2003

Oh, like I'm finding that here, dusted. I'll give you an example of the brewing intellect in my area at almost every restaurant and bar, Killian's is listed as an import. Some day, we're going to invade Colorado.

posted by wfrazerjr at 06:41 PM on July 23, 2003

Yikes! Killian's is a scary beer. I found out that I don't like red beer when I was in my teens, when for some godforsaken reason I chose it as my drink-of-the-night. I'd handled just about all the Bum Wines, but I couldn't handle Killian's Red. Waking up in a pool of red mush is kind of scary until you figure out what it is. Then it's just gross. Anyway, now I'm a block away from a bar with hundreds of beers on tap, which is next to a liquor store/sandwich joint with at least 100 brands of bottled beer. (sneer)

posted by dusted at 07:13 PM on July 23, 2003

all this talk of beer is making me thirsty. I retired as a Killians drinker after college. it was the official beer of the Cornell Club Hockey team, and boy did we take advantage of that title. When we won our league my sophomore and junior year, the prize was a cup, but it had a hole in the bottom to prevent drinking... we epoxied that bitch closed and the killians flowed freely. I found that I could put a lot of it away but the next day when nature called it did some strange strange things. So yeah, scary. I stay away from it now. I'm going to stop now, as this falls into the category of too much information.

posted by Bernreuther at 10:58 PM on July 23, 2003

Wow, every question I ask seems to get answers. From everybody! Well, on the off chance that wfrazerj is still around, I'll put out the next question ... Q6. I've been trying to get away from work questions, but I don't think I can help it with this one. You're part of the media, you make media. But what media do you consume? Newspapers, sites, shows, etc., we wanna know it all. And as a sports connoisseur, which sports media outlets do you recommend, and why?

posted by worldcup2002 at 11:09 PM on July 23, 2003

wfrazier, why in the world would you call Springsteen an '80s act? His first record came out on Jan. 5, 1973! And he is sooooooooooo much better than any of that trash you mentioned. Although Blood, Sweat, and Tears were pretty off the hook--though they were a '60s band, dammit! Anybody wants to diss The Boss can line up outside my door for an asswhoopin'!

posted by billsaysthis at 04:36 PM on July 24, 2003

Good lord...what the hell is good about springsteen? His music is completely void of inspiration...

posted by StarFucker at 05:38 PM on July 24, 2003

Sorry for the long wait. I was at the home office, just drove 125 miles to get home, am frying bologna and have a city council meeting in an hour before I drive the 125 miles back to my home office for tomorrow's round of meetings. Ah, the newspapering life ... Well, lessee ... for any sports information I need, I come to SpoFi first, and that's not sucking up. Becoming active here has changed the way I obtain my sports information. I normally will hit Google News and check the headlines there, along with ESPN.com and a couple of other sites. I read the sports pages of the two larger dailies from my area, but I rarely read any of the national newspapers, as I pick that stuff up from the Web. I read Sports Illustrated on a regular basis, although my subscription has lapsed at the moment. I used to take ESPN Magazine, but I couldn't stand the design. It appeared that every week, several sports enthusiasts swallowed dye, then threw up all over some quality stock paper. I also get sick of reading things that sound like Stuart Scott is making them up as he goes along. I happen to like Scott, but the constant hipster bullshit just gets old. I prefer the Sporting News over all. Of course I watch Sportscenter every morning while I prepare for work. (As an aside, I once was a guest on a local show with Trey Wingo, who used to be the #3 guy for the NBC affiliate in St. Louis. My mother always told me not to judge people on one meeting, so I'm hoping Trey isn't the complete and total doorknob he was that day.) I also watch every minute of Baseball Tonight I can, and anything Bob Ley does has my seal of approval. I wish Rich Eisen was on 24 hours a day. I also think "The Sports Reporters" should have its own channel. We have Fox Sports Midwest here for the Cardinals, which makes me extremely happy, although I still prefer to listen to the KMOX broadcasts. I can't stand "Best Damn Sports Show Ever," and I'm not sure why. I'm a smart ass, I'm loud ... you'd think that would be my cup of tea, but it ain't. My sports consumption has actually decreased over the past few years, as I've been concentrating my efforts in other areas. As a single man with a dish, however, that will change this year during football and hockey season. Thank God.

posted by wfrazerjr at 05:41 PM on July 24, 2003

BTW, Bill, I view Bruce as an 80's act because that's when he became known to me. I know his early music is terrific, but to me he's still that fucking sweaty guy pulling Courtney Cox onstage to that awful song.

posted by wfrazerjr at 05:43 PM on July 24, 2003

I think Bill is obsessed, lots of people are. He gets on my tits a bit, the way he says Born in the U.S.A was misunderstood, but not as much as his fans who will tell you, exasperatedly, that it is misunderstood, as though they are the only people who have ever understood this. He finally and irrevocably jumped the shark when he kept telling the story of a how a woman accosted him after 9/ 11 and screamed "America needs you , now". Well, that woman, if she existed was obviously a nutter and old Bruce, with all his sensitivity, should have recognised that. He has some good tunes though. Bruce gets on my tits a bit, not Bill.

posted by Fat Buddha at 05:46 PM on July 24, 2003

Hey, be careful with all that driving you're doing. 500 miles in two days? Q7. You say you've been "concentrating [your] efforts in other areas." Finally, something other than sports and work! What other areas are you referring to? And what does "As a single man with a dish" mean? Do you have a girlfriend? What's her name?

posted by worldcup2002 at 05:49 PM on July 24, 2003

pulling Courtney Cox onstage for that awful song Yep. And as a result we can thank the Boss for both Friends, and this newly spun-off, surely to be early cancelled dreck-in-waiting.

posted by kloeprich at 06:42 PM on July 24, 2003

Oh, like Coupling is any better than Friends! Oh, wait, it is better. Sorry. Though I will admit Bruce is possibly to blame for her appearance on this show.

posted by billsaysthis at 11:51 PM on July 24, 2003

Let's not even mention Coupling. If that show lasts more than 5 minutes on NBC, my head's going to explode from trying to tell people the original was/is a million times better.

posted by yerfatma at 07:12 AM on July 25, 2003

I think "as a single man with a dish" means he's got direct TV or some other satellite service. I still don't know why he's frying bologna though.

posted by Samsonov14 at 10:38 AM on July 25, 2003

Fried bologna and a list of variations. Chuck Martin rules.

posted by 86 at 01:05 PM on July 25, 2003

My God. That can't be good for you. I think a good rule of thumb is that if someone who looks like that guy recommends a sandwich to you, you should steer clear of said sandwich.

posted by Samsonov14 at 01:22 PM on July 25, 2003

Note to self: eat before attending games at Great American Ballpark.

posted by kloeprich at 01:33 PM on July 25, 2003

I hope wfrazerjr is OK. From the fried bologna, not all the driving.

posted by worldcup2002 at 01:52 PM on July 25, 2003

Fried bologna would be Atkins-compatible, so bring it on!

posted by billsaysthis at 02:06 PM on July 25, 2003

hey, what happened to sammy's interview. I'm not seeing it. Did it break 200?

posted by garfield at 04:10 PM on July 25, 2003

Yes it did it was at 209 then some berk posted a new thread. What do we have to do to get it back?

posted by Fat Buddha at 04:17 PM on July 25, 2003

Some other berk can add a new locker room post and link to it.

posted by worldcup2002 at 05:43 PM on July 25, 2003

wc2002, fancy finding you here. [cue thunder clap] re: interview with the achesons, Keep up this girly talk about TV, and she'll be interested. What is this, MetaFilter? Just kidding folks, I watch the tube. You shoulda seen Ben Curtis, Mr. Deer in Headlights, on Letterman last night. (Letterman doesn't do sports interviews too well, and Curtis just moved from mid-Ohio obscurity to Times Square spotlight). After a couple dorky questions about when he thought he would win, did he feel pressure on his last putt, Letterman asked if it's intimidating to see Tiger Woods on the same leaderboard and just think you can't beat him? Curtis replied, and I quoth, "Yeah, he's got a certain aroma to him that seems unbeatable." Did he say Tiger stinks?

posted by msacheson at 06:03 PM on July 25, 2003

I have no idea what was just said above...

posted by StarFucker at 06:08 PM on July 25, 2003

Me either.

posted by jerseygirl at 06:41 PM on July 25, 2003

Howdy howdy, everyone. I'm pretty much delirious at this point (thank you, Eddie Murphy!) ... so why not just jump right back into the interview? Actually, in saying I was concentrating my efforts into other areas, it pretty much meant work instead of sports. Sorry to deflate you, wc2k2. As the only writer here right now, it means I'm pulling around 60-70 hours a week. Good thing I love my job. Sam, right you are. I grew up in a relatively rural area, and consequently didn't have cable, tone phones or any of that technology crap you all had growing up. Having the dish is a sort of nirvana for me, although I still watch perhaps one hour a day, tops. Fried bologna is a goddamned treat, especially if you are on the Atkins diet. Here's the simple recipe: 1) Melt copious amount of real butter in skillet. 2) Carve little Pacman mouth out of two pieces of bologna (the good stuff, you cheap bastards, and preferably sliced a bit thicker than usual). 3) Fry the sumbitches, turning once when the exterior begins to get a bit crunchy. 4) Eat on white bread with Kraft cheese. I can't have the white bread. It makes me cranky. Missing it, that is, not eating it. That reads a bit like Steven King, doesn't it? Anyhow, it's something regional, I think. I was the barbeque judge at the county 4-H fair this week, and one beginner chose to grill slab bologna for his entry. Frightening ... but delicious. I do have another dish, actually. Her name is Michelle. Grum, you'll be thrilled to know she's from The Home of Eternal Hockey Knobs, which I have visited once or twice. We met on-line (duh like I meet women with the job I have), and she and her two-year-old son, Cabot, just left after visiting for two weeks. It was terrific, but there are questions about her uprooting her son and herself from her family and friends, not to mention the boy's father. I'm also rather married to my job, if you couldn't tell, and I'm asking her to consider that there will be plenty of nights when I'll be working late. I just want her to know everything before we proceed, but I love her dearly. Weird fact: Michelle was a contestant on the Canadian version of "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" She didn't make it into the chair, though.

posted by wfrazerjr at 07:03 PM on July 25, 2003

Looks like it could be another classic.

posted by Fat Buddha at 07:03 PM on July 25, 2003

Bologna isn't bolognese sauce then? It's some horrible mechanically seperated amalgation of .....bits?

posted by Fat Buddha at 07:06 PM on July 25, 2003

SF and jerseygirl: I may be interviewing msacheson and aacheson (aka Mr and Mrs Acheson, of the SpoFi Achesons) in the near future. This would be akin to interviewing one of the Pantheon and his missus. Actually, that would be exactly what it was. msacheson: I think by "aroma", Mr Curtis meant "aura". Apparently, them mid-Ohio golfers don't talk too good. I reckon I woulda split my shorts if he'd gone 'n' said, "That Tiger smells somethin' fierce! When he comes up over the hill, and my eyes start tearin' up, it's all ah kin do to aim my putt at the hole." Hey, wfrazer's back!

posted by worldcup2002 at 07:10 PM on July 25, 2003

Think everything you normally would throw away from any slaughtered animal ... then grind them, add a bit of spice and Hey Presto! It's lunch! Bologna is just flat hot dogs, or vice versa, and nowhere NEAR as horrid and disgusting as, say, this.

posted by wfrazerjr at 07:16 PM on July 25, 2003

So far, it sounds like you've been concentrating your efforts on ingesting really bad fried sausage and dating a woman behind her husband's back. Or maybe it's just the martinis talking (Happy Friday!). But I must press on ... Q8. Hell, it sounds like you love your job. Maybe too much. When was the last time you took a vacation? What did you do?

posted by worldcup2002 at 07:18 PM on July 25, 2003

Uh, wc2k2, it's Ohio, man ... the residents of the Buckeye State are a tad different from the people I think you are picturing.

posted by wfrazerjr at 07:19 PM on July 25, 2003

LOL, for clarification, Michelle's single, world. I don't mess with married women without a note from their husbands.

posted by wfrazerjr at 07:21 PM on July 25, 2003

I know Ohio. Buckeyes, OSU, Columbus, Nationwide Insurance, Channel 6, 270, 71, 23, Les Wexner and Victoria's Secret, Express, Structure, Bath and Body Works. They're all from Columbus. Mid-Ohio. Honda's auto plant is also out there somewhere. I was just joshin' about the accent. That was maybe more Cincinnati, Dayton and Portsmouth.

posted by worldcup2002 at 07:27 PM on July 25, 2003

OK, I was joking about Michelle, too. Tell her to put the gun down.

posted by worldcup2002 at 07:28 PM on July 25, 2003

Fried bologna, Wfraze's gross link, flat hot dogs...you know it's almost meal time on the left coast. I may have to join WC and drink my dinner. Again. (Like I need an excuse.)

posted by kloeprich at 07:35 PM on July 25, 2003

I've got to find out more about this Atkins thing. What other diet allows you to eat bologna fried in "copious amount of real butter" and covered in frickin' Kraft cheese? Are you still allowed to say "I'm on a diet?"

posted by dusted at 07:55 PM on July 25, 2003

butter, processed meat products, cheese and white bread... ugh. i think my blood just turned chunky-style simple from reading that meal plan.

posted by jerseygirl at 07:59 PM on July 25, 2003

Tough noogies kloeprich, I will be having delicious London Broil when my wifey gets here to cook it. With yummy tasty broccoli at its side, obeying my command to "Get in my belly!" How far is Clovis from Mountain View? You can come on Sunday afternoon and join wc2k2, kirkaracha, and myself here for some BBQ chicken and sangria as well as Barcelona/Juventus on FSW.

posted by billsaysthis at 08:09 PM on July 25, 2003

I've lost 18 pounds in six weeks ... it has been kinda slow, as I cheat occasionally, which KILLS you on this diet. I'm also doing it to raise money, which I think I said above, so I'm being kind of a dick by grabbing the odd burrito.

posted by wfrazerjr at 08:09 PM on July 25, 2003

Are you exercising or just did it by modifying your diet?

posted by jerseygirl at 08:20 PM on July 25, 2003

Thanks for the invite! Clovis is a bit away - think Fresno - and I'm afraid I'll be on a lake Sunday. So I'll pass on this invite but I'd love to attend some future NorCal SpoFier function.

posted by kloeprich at 08:45 PM on July 25, 2003

Hey, wfrazer, answer Q8. Or we'll never get done with this interview!

posted by worldcup2002 at 09:21 PM on July 25, 2003

The London Broil was very tasty, since I know you all were waiting to hear. Plus jello with whipped cream for dessert. Mmmmm.

posted by billsaysthis at 11:17 PM on July 25, 2003

I fear we will be knocked off the Locker Room main page before this interview is done.

posted by worldcup2002 at 01:36 AM on July 26, 2003

Too late.

posted by yerfatma at 07:07 AM on July 26, 2003

Sorry, guys, I told ya I'd be busy the next few days. :P So now what do we do? Oh, and, ummm ... I took a vacation last in 1996, I think, where I went to Disneyworld and broke up with my girlfriend. So that kinda ruined the trip. I figure I'll worry about vacations when I have a family that actually wants to get the hell out of Dodge for a little while each year. Me, I'm happy to sit on my couch on random Fridays and burn my earned time that way.

posted by wfrazerjr at 11:28 AM on July 26, 2003

Q9. So you say you've lost 18 lbs. Tell us more about what you look like. There may be some female SpoFier from Indiana reading this.

posted by worldcup2002 at 07:29 PM on July 26, 2003

where I went to Disneyworld and broke up with my girlfriend. Would that be Snow White, Grumpy?

posted by yerfatma at 08:30 PM on July 26, 2003

Last vacation in 1996? Oh my God, I wouldn't survive (and I like my job, too).

posted by dusted at 01:09 AM on July 27, 2003

Well, I'm about 6-1, about 310 pounds, not quite as fat as that would make me sound, but damn close. It's funny, because every time I see a new doctor, they think I weigh about 270 or something, and then they all say, "Wow! Over 300!" That's kinda what's driving losing the poundage. Plus, it's not cool to hear your doc say, "You're an excellent shape ... for a fat guy." Brown hair, brown eyes, full beard ... I'd post a picture, but I have no idea how. Someone explains that to me and I'll do it. I guess I didn't explain this earlier. I wrote a column in my paper about six weeks ago declaring my intention to diet to the community. For each pound I lose between now and the end of the year, I'm donating $2 to the local humane society to help them build a shelter. We've thrown it open to community matches, and we're now up to $10/pound, which makes me more expensive than filet mignon, which is comforting. I'm hoping a push next week will get us up around $20/pound, with the ultimate goal of raising about $1500.

posted by wfrazerjr at 01:40 PM on July 27, 2003

How about some SpoFi member participation? I love a good local cause (even if it's not my locale). I'll pony up $1/pound - but we need regular updates.

posted by kloeprich at 07:22 PM on July 27, 2003

Geez, K ... that's like $75! If you wanted to go 10 cents a pound I'd be happy, and I wasn't trying to solicit any pledges. If you all would like to do it, I'd be thrilled, though. :) You'd also get a nice ad in the paper at the end of the year!

posted by wfrazerjr at 08:55 PM on July 27, 2003

Hmmm...let's make it 50 cents per. And I didn't for a minute think you were soliciting - or I wouldn't have offered. No pressure on anyone else. I think what you're doing is awesome and I wish you a lot of luck.

posted by kloeprich at 09:12 PM on July 27, 2003

where's q10? Some of us are still reading! :)

posted by jerseygirl at 12:41 PM on July 28, 2003

An emoticon from jgirl! Woohoo! I hope it gets posted soon we're about to get bumped again!

posted by wfrazerjr at 01:14 PM on July 28, 2003

Yeah, what happened to WC? Still recovering from the big Mtn View SpoFi sangria-fiesta?

posted by kloeprich at 02:09 PM on July 28, 2003

Good work on the diet, wf. If I was employed I'd be showing financial support but I will share that it is possible to achieve your goal with Atkins--Friday is my 11 months on the plan mark and I've lost precisely 50 pounds as of yesterday's weigh-in. 40 more to go but I'm six inches shorter than you.

posted by billsaysthis at 02:22 PM on July 28, 2003

Urgh. Hangover. Had some more of the stuff last nite. Whoooooooo! Hey wfrazer, good luck and good on you for your healthy and charitable efforts. Last question before we get booted again! (And thanks everyone for staying with us.) Q10.For which local humane society are you raising money? What's your favorite animal? What's your favorite pet? Will we ever see you naked in a PETA ad? Also, who should we interview next? (I have msacheson and Mrs. msacheson on deck, but would like your recommendation, too.)

posted by worldcup2002 at 02:27 PM on July 28, 2003

The Spencer County Humane Society will reap the benefits of my putting down the Toll House cookies. I appreciate all the support, and so do the dogs and kitties of our little corner of the Midwest. My favorite animal? Any kind, medium rare with a nice mushroom sauce. Actually, I'm a big fan of cats. I like dogs, but here's the problem: You have a good day, you get home and your dog is all, "Hey! Glad to see ya! Glad to see ya!" and jumping up and down, and you're all, "Hey, buddy! Let's get a stick and go have some fun!" You have a bad day, you get home and your dog is all, "Hey! Glad to see ya! Glad to see ya!" and jumping up and down, and you're all, "Goddamn it, dog, get off of me!" You have a cat, good day, bad day, you get home and the cat looks at you and says, "I've got furniture to scratch and the neighbor cat to bang. Fuck off." I can totally respect that. I had a cat about five years ago, Jake, who was the world's greatest hunter. I generally left my front door open during the day if I was home, and daily Jake would trot in and present me with a bird, frog or snake freshly nabbed down by the creek. It got to the point that I decided not to mow my lawn, just to see how big Jake's foraging might get. The city complained, but I told them I was trying to create a natural feeding zone and wildlife preserve for my animal. We eventually compromised and I was allowed to leave a 10-foot strip of tall weeds behind the creek. Jake was thrilled. Jake once also found his way into a pot of spaghetti sauce I had left on the stove. He then came into bed with me and awakened me by dragging his head across my face. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, coming away with what appeared in the moonlight to be blood all over my hands. After screaming and running into the bathroom, I realized I had been marinarized. You will never see me in a PETA ad. Unless they pay me in steak. You won't ever see me naked, either. I considered getting into adult films, but then I realized me in the nude would be like a porno version of "Free Willy." Have we done rcade yet?

posted by wfrazerjr at 04:23 PM on July 28, 2003

No, we have not interviewed rcade. So it's rcade (Pantheon #5) you want, and not msacheson (Pantheon #7) and Mrs. msacheson? Just say the word.

posted by worldcup2002 at 06:02 PM on July 28, 2003

My cat's breath smells of bird/frog/snake. Great interviw wfrazerjr and wc2002. Roll on the next one. :-)

posted by squealy at 06:06 PM on July 28, 2003

errr +e.

posted by squealy at 06:07 PM on July 28, 2003

well, either one of them would be excellent choices. I somehow like the idea of being followed by a husband-and-wife team, however ... so let's hear from our very own Burns and Allen. :)

posted by wfrazerjr at 08:37 PM on July 28, 2003

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