July 20, 2005

The complexities of Human Sport: by McSweeney's. I especially liked the Hockey one.

posted by BigCalm to general at 09:01 AM - 13 comments

Hilarious! Attack opposing players, but without making direct contact. Occasionally attack spectators. Classic.

posted by curlyelk at 10:38 AM on July 20, 2005

This is great stuff! I wish he would have expanded each sport.

posted by tommysands at 11:10 AM on July 20, 2005

As in, "while standing inside chalk circle, or on raised protuberance of red clay, or on white square, fiddle incessantly with testicles and expectorate constantly."

posted by The_Black_Hand at 12:10 PM on July 20, 2005

That was good, but yeah, somebody has to explain cricket.

posted by gspm at 12:23 PM on July 20, 2005

Cricket is very simple really: You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

posted by BigCalm at 01:36 PM on July 20, 2005

great cricket post. LOL

posted by bengalsnation at 01:40 PM on July 20, 2005

Whitewater boating: Rule one: do not die.

posted by lil_brown_bat at 01:44 PM on July 20, 2005

Mountain biking: Go that way really fast. If something gets in your way, turn. (with apologies to Charles DuMar)

posted by cobra! at 02:04 PM on July 20, 2005

Street Luge: Hang on and hope you don't hit anything solid.

posted by owlhouse at 02:41 PM on July 20, 2005

Bowling: 1. Roll a heavy ball at some defenseless pins. 2. Drink a lot of beer. 3. Repeat

posted by gac at 03:43 PM on July 20, 2005

Calmy's is best. What about soccer?

posted by worldcup2002 at 03:49 PM on July 20, 2005

Football: Run around inside chalked rectangle, whose size may vary, kicking the ball forward and between metal posts when possible but at all times keep either the ball or two opposing players between yourself and the end line. Continue without stopping for 45-ish minutes or until dropping. Repeat.

posted by billsaysthis at 03:59 PM on July 20, 2005

Rugby: Hold the ball in a pile of players until the other team breaks a very obscure and technical rule. Kick penalty goal. Repeat. (As used by Clive Woodward)

posted by owlhouse at 05:35 PM on July 20, 2005

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