12/22/24
May 11, 2005
Whizz Kid: Vikings RB (and league substance abuse policy violator) Onterrio Smith caught in airport with the Whizzinator, a device used to foil drug tests that "includes a prosthetic penis attached to a jockstrap and plastic bag." But he was transporting it for his cousin, so we're all cool.
I think the NFL substance abuse policy is largely stupid I think Onterrio Smith is largely stupid. That being said, he's obviously a caring family man. Any human that would go so far as to purchase a fake crank for his cousin (yeah, right) can't be all bad. Hopefully the people at the Prosthetic Penis Outlet didn't screw up his order and send him the small white one.
posted by dyams at 06:50 PM on May 11, 2005
I'd like to point out that this is the absolute funniest thing I've read in weeks, that I plan to purchase stock in the company manufacturing the Whizzanator for its brilliant use of photos on its web site, and that Mike Tice has already been reprimanded for scalping tickets to women who want to watch Vikings players drop their pants at random tests.
posted by wfrazerjr at 08:48 PM on May 11, 2005
By the way, possible Whizzanator slogans: Accept no other substiroot! We beat the piss out of the competition! It's a weiner! Get one or urine trouble! Possible Whizzanator spokesmen: Keyshaun Johnson Woody Hayes Jeremiah Cockheran Michael Bishop Doug "Skin" Flutie and, of course ... Dick Trickle Full disclosure: in researching possibilities, I stumbled upon this web site, which lists the 50 worst nicknames for a penis. Personal faves -- President Johnson, The New York Post and King Ohyeah.
posted by wfrazerjr at 09:03 PM on May 11, 2005
Ha fucking ha. This story rules. Didn't Onterrio play his college ball in Eugene, OR for the Ducks? They should get some sort of dispensation. Having said that, you can't bust a guy for having this. Yes, obviously common sense tells you exactly why he has it, but it isn't banned. The price he will pay is some poor schmoe will have to actually watch him leak into the cup. Any volunteers?
posted by vito90 at 11:38 PM on May 11, 2005
According to the police report, a bag Smith was carrying set off security alarms before an April 21 flight. The alarms later were traced to a tube of toothpaste. Seriously? I've never had trouble with toothpaste, and I always bring some with me in my carry-on. Whatever, though. Back to the fake penis jokes.
posted by Samsonov14 at 12:49 AM on May 12, 2005
How can you be 'caught' with something that isn't illegal? Man just wants to beat a drug test.... That apparently he has no idea when will happen. Because, me - I'm putting my Whizzinator in cargo. The odds of needing it during the flight are probably remote. However, chance favours the prpared mind and all that. By the way - whatever happened to just drinking a shitload of cranberry juice? Oh god - have the authorities caught up? Do we all need fake penises? Because in some ways that would be awesome.
posted by WeedyMcSmokey at 07:11 AM on May 12, 2005
At least he wasn't caught with a sausage in his pants like the guy in Spinal Tap. That would have been embarrassing.
posted by rcade at 07:34 AM on May 12, 2005
As long as he doesn't get suspended, hey.
posted by shaitan at 09:40 AM on May 12, 2005
cut him what is this two seasons in a row at a boy smith.
posted by HitmanTennis at 01:57 PM on May 12, 2005
Word spreads fast. Or would it be Whizz.
posted by HOE.O.K. at 06:01 PM on May 12, 2005
This is only the tip of the iceberg. There appears to be a whole industry on how to "beat" a drug test or cleance yourslef quickly for one. I suspected that congress would get involved sooner or later!
posted by daddisamm at 01:06 AM on May 13, 2005
Couple of pre-emptive strikes: I think the NFL substance abuse policy is largely stupid and I think the TSA has no business going through people's luggage unless there is a reasonable suspicion of a security threat. That aside, I just couldn't resist the chance to include the words "prosthetic penis" on a FPP. My list of things to do before I die is now one item shorter.