05/08/24
September 23, 2010
The Hoser's NFL Picks 2010 -- Week Three: NFL picks that are ready to take down "Man Vs. Food" host Adam Richman in a no-holds-barred flapjack throwdown.
Quite the inspired genitalia-themed rundown this week.
Following hard on the heels of last week's Cialis-launched entry.
A team of crack trend spotters is no doubt working furiously on this as we speak.
Holmes' place is in the woman.
posted by beaverboard at 08:41 AM on September 24, 2010
Buffalo (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (42.5): For a guy who graduated from Harvard, you'd think Ryan Ritzpatrick would be smart enough to get the hell away from the Bills. Patriots 31, Bills 10.
Patriots score 31 in the first half, then proceed to give it up like everybody's favorite prom date in the second. Patriots 31, Bills 53.
posted by lil_brown_bat at 12:39 PM on September 24, 2010
Last week was the first time I've seen the 49ers play, and they looked surprisingly good to me (even though they lost). I haven't seen KC yet.
posted by bperk at 01:07 PM on September 24, 2010
Beaverboard, I forgot to disclose -- we are now a wholly owned subsidiary of Hedgehog, Inc., and directed by CEO Ron Jeremy.
Seriously, it just worked out that way, and to be honest, after last week, who couldn't use a dick joke or two, amiright?
As good as the 49ers looked against New Orleans, they were doubly awful against Seattle in the first week. I give the Chiefs the edge on home-field advantage and the odds against Alex Smith playing like Joe Montana two weeks in a row.
posted by wfrazerjr at 01:22 PM on September 24, 2010
Joe Montana is 54 . I think Alex could outplay him this weekend.
Assuming Joe is not allowed to wear his Shape-Ups.
posted by tommybiden at 02:58 PM on September 24, 2010
Alex doesn't even give his receivers a chance to catch the ball 2 out of every 5 throws. My pre-teen daughter could hit some of the routes he misses.
posted by cixelsyd at 03:39 PM on September 24, 2010
If Miami overcomes the Jet's defense, could you say that they got Behind the Green Door?
posted by Howard_T at 03:45 PM on September 24, 2010
Possibly, Howard, although I think a dirty Sanchez is much more likely.
posted by wfrazerjr at 11:20 PM on September 24, 2010
I cannot believe how shitty my Panthers are.
My three favorite teams are a combined 1 and 8. It's gonna be a long season. But hey, a new season of "Top Gear" is starting up this week. That's good.
posted by NoMich at 09:50 PM on September 26, 2010
Welcome to Week Three of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're lower than a realtor's take-home pay in Detroit.
In what might have been the worst week in Hoser history, we stumbled to an awful 4-10-2 record against the spread. We also missed the Lock, all three Trifecta games and we would have missed the ground had we fallen off our back deck. You know your picks are awful when you're glad to see pushes. At least we were 10-6 straight up. Yay.
It's not the NFL, but The Hoser's best wishes go out to Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio on his recovery from a heart attack. It happened after the Spartans shocked Notre Dame with a fake field goal to win in overtime. At least it's easily explainable how could there be any blood anywhere else in Dantonio's body with a set of balls that big?
Remember these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as hiring Steven Tyler to judge someone's ability to sing.
Tennessee (+3) at NY GIANTS (42.5): Win or lose, at least New York fans know they'll have a chance at taking home a helmet. Giants 20, Titans 19.
Buffalo (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (42.5): For a guy who graduated from Harvard, you'd think Ryan Ritzpatrick would be smart enough to get the hell away from the Bills. Patriots 31, Bills 10.
Cleveland (+10.5) at BALTIMORE (37): Cleveland's front office reportedly made a call to the Eagles inquiring about QB Kevin Kolb. That makes sense, as it would probably take a concussion before anyone would want to play for the Browns. Ravens 22, Browns 16.
Pittsburgh (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY (33): The Bucs are 2-0, but we're pretty sure Kordell Stewart could come back and keep the Steelers undefeated. Steelers 23, Buccaneers 13.
Cincinnati (-3) at CAROLINA (38): Poor Jimmy Clausen. The Panther receiving corps "The Situation" is deeper. Bengals 22. Panthers 14.
Atlanta (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (50): We haven't seen a leg as floppy as Reggie Bush's since we accidently rented that John Holmes compilation. Saints 28, Falcons 20.
San Francisco (-2.5) at KANSAS CITY (36.5): The Hoser has a 100-1 $10 ticket on the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl a common side effect of all those free drinks in Vegas. Chiefs 17, 49ers 16.
Detroit (+10.5) at MINNESOTA (42): The Vikings are 0-2, Brett Favre threw three picks last week and in a press conference he said, "I have to be better." He actually said that. Vikings 24, Lions 17.
Dallas (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): The Texans look strong, the Cowboys are stumbling ... and that's a perfect recipe for a reversal. Cowboys 29, Texans 24.
Washington (-3.5) at ST LOUIS (38): The Rams have been close both weeks, but Washington is more than a field goal better, even on the road. Racists 26, Rams 13.
Philadelphia (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (44.5): If it means we're bad people because we still can't root for a team led by Michael Vick, so be it. Eagles 24, Jaguars 20.
Indianapolis (-5.5) at DENVER (48): The Broncos have a cornerback named Perrish Cox. And here we already made our John Holmes joke for the week. Colts 30, Broncos 17.
San Diego (-5.5) at SEATTLE (44): Week One, Seahawks fans? We hope you have it on your DVR. Chargers 24, Seahawks 17.
Oakland (+4) at ARIZONA (39.5): The toughest thing to figure about this game is how each of these teams already have a win. Oh yeah ... the Rams. Raiders 20, Cardinals 16.
New York Jets (+2) at MIAMI (34.5): That was Braylon Edwards in that mugshot? We thought Wooly Willie got a DWI. Dolphins 17, Jets 13.
Green Bay (-3) at CHICAGO (46): Lance Briggs what a bastard for saying maybe women shouldn't be where guys are naked and defecating. Of course, maybe there just shouldn't be any reporters, weiner or not, where guys are naked and defecating. Packers 26, Bears 21.
Lock of the Week: Washington
Trifecta: Washington, Pittsburgh, New Orleans
2010 Week Two Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 4-10-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-1,060
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 21-11
Against The Spread: 9-18-5
Lock of the Week: 1-1
Trifecta: 0-2
Money: $-1,240
2010 Week 2 Money Spent: $0
2010 Week 2 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $10
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-10
The format will stay as it has been each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we'll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We'll use Danny Sheridan's line in the USA Today each week.