11/05/24
June 20, 2006
Jan Ullrich, Destroyer of Worlds: "The Jan must be careful when pedaling, for when the Jan's massive thighs begin to spin so close together, they are creating a low pressure system centered on the Jan's 'special place' that is often causing massive weather anomalies and atmospheric disturbances. It can be embarassing. There have been many cases where the Jan is being totally breaking it down on the dance floor, and then busts out with the Jan's favorite move, the Roger Rabbit, and then whole villages are blown away into ash and smoke, and for nights afterward there are being many sightings of strange lights in the sky."
"Who I'd like to meet: I would like to be meeting Karl Rove, and we would discuss to each other our best strategies for crushing the weak, and the sweet music of their dying pleas for clemency, which we would for a certainty not give to them." "Music: Wagner. Rammstein. German Marching Songs." I'm dying here. Really, the whole thing is just brilliant. Thank you for bringing this into my life, rcade.
posted by tieguy at 06:35 PM on June 20, 2006
Funniest for me: 
I (being the mario) cannot wait for you to impose your will upon the peloton in july. honestly, it makes me want to go for a nice 55kph spin around town, smoking a cigarette and enjoying a nice chianti.
My wife was watching the Tour a few years ago and freaked out when she saw a closeup of Jan's legs. It's funny, she became a lot more interested in cycling after that. I can't quite figure it out... He and Lance were always THE specimens in a peloton full of them.
posted by dusted at 09:44 PM on June 20, 2006
Part of the reason he didn't steal even one Tour from Lance is because of those twin throbbing monsters. He uses a radically different gear set, and it always seems to mess with him in the mountains. He's really only 32? He's been racing since, well, forever. I guess maybe he still does have a shot.
posted by chicobangs at 12:47 AM on June 21, 2006
I do not enjoy watching the OLN on the TV, where the announcers swing from Lance Armstrong's testicles as if they were a trapeze. Uh, rcade... not for nothin', but what exactly were you looking for when you came across this? I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'. I am having the jocularity of this.
posted by BullpenPro at 01:07 AM on June 21, 2006
That gear ratio thing seems so obvious to me, I must be missing somethying as to why he doesn't switch up for the hills. Love the Germonics.
posted by garfield at 12:55 PM on June 21, 2006
There are no granny gears in east germany. Only BIG RING...
posted by JohnSFO at 01:32 PM on June 21, 2006
Yeah, that's hilarious. Ding ding dong song is now my new ringtone.
posted by afx237vi at 03:51 PM on June 21, 2006
Wicked - I now love Jan Ulrich. Hey, who knew?