05/08/24
August 06, 2005
Steroid apologies/mea culpas don't all have to be as pointless and meandering as Palmeiro's. In fact, there's an easy way to spice them up...Raffy-Libs!
posted by Ufez Jones to baseball at 06:53 PM - 14 comments
Oh, but tina, this is all about the mad-libs! Here's my first paragraph: "Thank you very much for flogging me on this call today. I am saddened that we are here to address this issue, but because of the importance of it, I feel the need to make a brief hummus and address your questions. At the outset, let me say that under the rules of the basic agreement and the order of the independent arbitrator, there is an order of confidentiality governing the specifics of this case. I will attempt to vascillate as much as I can and be as effervescent as possible, but there will be issues I can't address based on the orders imposed on me by the monkey pancreas and the enlightened garden gnome."
posted by Ufez Jones at 07:19 PM on August 06, 2005
Like most mad libs, sometimes it makes no sense and sometimes it's incredibly funny. Ufez, you posted your first paragraph, so here's my second: "I am here to make it very clear that I have happily used steroids. Happily. Period. When I found out that I had failed a test under the new drug policy, I filed a napkin and challenged the suspension on the basis that I had never intentionally taken BBs. Ultimately, although I never intentionally put BBs into my nostrils, the independent arbitrator ruled that I had to be suspended under the terms of the program."
posted by lil_brown_bat at 07:48 PM on August 06, 2005
I see now where this is going......
posted by tina at 07:51 PM on August 06, 2005
"I am sure you will ask how I tested positive for sperm. As I look back, I don't have a specific answer to give. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to explain to the arbitrator how the sperm entered my anal cavity. The arbitrator did not find that I used sperm intentionally -- in fact, he said he found my girly screams to be compelling -- but he ruled that I could not meet the heavy burden imposed on players who test positive under the new drug policy."
posted by tina at 08:02 PM on August 06, 2005
Okay so i dont know how to make the words bolder, but at least i tried. :)
posted by tina at 08:02 PM on August 06, 2005
If I can cheat and purposefully plug in words/phrases (which I did *not* do on the first paragraph), I love the final paragraph: "Finally, I would like to thank commissioner Selig and Mr. Angelos for their strong words of encouragement. I had the opportunity to speak with both of them and I am extremely appreciative of their spending MLB money to publish full page ads congratulating me on my 3,000 hits and 500 HRs even though they knew for months that I was a doped up shithead and conveniently covering my ass until I accomplished said achievements."
posted by Ufez Jones at 08:13 PM on August 06, 2005
Ok ufez I have 2 words for your ass... NICELY DONE!!!!!!
posted by tina at 08:20 PM on August 06, 2005
You gotta have buns, hun.
posted by yerfatma at 08:22 PM on August 06, 2005
Oh yes, gotta love mad-libs!!
posted by tina at 08:29 PM on August 06, 2005
Well, if you can cheat...
posted by lil_brown_bat at 08:49 PM on August 06, 2005
Its sounds like you are getting ideas lil brown bat....
posted by tina at 09:03 PM on August 06, 2005
Hey - Raffy did...why can't I? Just following the spirit of the game and whatnot... /me runs.
posted by Ufez Jones at 10:32 PM on August 06, 2005
Run with it Ufez, dont let anyone hold you down!! :) Hehe......
posted by tina at 10:57 PM on August 06, 2005
Ok so Palmeiro denied allegations of steroid use in Jose Consecos book, but then tested positive in May? Its like you cant trust athletes anymore. Why wont they man up, admit their mistakes, and try to move on?