January 01, 2012

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week 17: NFL picks that wonder who built that animatronic Dick Clark for New Year's Eve.

posted by wfrazerjr to football at 11:48 AM - 9 comments

Welcome to the final regular-season week of The Hoser, where it's always tough to tell who'll lay back and who'll decide they want to hammer their opposition, resting players be damned. We'll err on the side of caution where possible or tell you to avoid those games completely.

In case you missed it, a guy in Ontario hit all 15 games in Week 15 to win nearly $850,000 on a Pro-Line pool ticket. He picked Indy AND Kansas City and apparently played a straight $5 game with no boxes. This either makes him a genius or insane.

See you in the playoffs!

Washington (+8) at PHILADELPHIA (45.5): The Eagles have nothing to play for, but hell, they've been playing like that all year. They might be trying to save Andy Reid's job, though. Eagles 27, Racists 16.
Tampa Bay (+10) at ATLANTA (45.5): Raheem Morris will go down with the ship in the next couple of days. Falcons 31, Buccaneers 13.
San Francisco (-10.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (35.5): This shouldn't be much of a challenge. Steve Spagnuolo's bags should be packed by halftime. 49ers 23, Rams 10.
Chicago (+2) at MINNESOTA (41): With all the injuries, you really have to feel for the Bears. You do -- I don't. Vikings 20, Bears 17.
Detroit (-6) at GREEN BAY (41.5): Aaron Rodgers should sit down after a quarter in this one, but who knows? Stay far, far away. Lions 22, Packers 20.
Dallas (+3) at NY GIANTS (47.5): You just HAVE to figure Tony Romo will find some way to blow this. Giants 24, Cowboys 23.
Carolina (+7.5) at NEW ORLEANS (55): The Saints need a win to have a shot at the No. 2 seed, but you can't count out Cam Newton. The Panthers will keep it close. Saints 30, Panthers 24.
Tennessee (-1) at HOUSTON (39): Simply the Titans having a shot and the Texans being in. Titans 23, Texans 20.
Baltimore (-2) at CINCINNATI (38): The Ravens have a stake in this game, which means the Bengals will be sitting at home after this week. Or in jail. Whichever. Ravens 20, Bengals 13.
Pittsburgh (-7) at CLEVELAND (32): Handsy Ben won't play much, but neither will the Browns. Steelers 20, Browns 14.
Indianapolis (+3) at JACKSONVILLE (37): (insert changing channel motion here) Jaguars 21, Colts 16.
New York Jets (+3) at MIAMI (39): The Jets are more of a mess than Rex Ryan's intestinal track. Dolphins 21, Jets 17.
Buffalo (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND (49.5): The guy signing the contract extensions in Buffalo must be the guy who used to hand out the derivatives on Wall Street. Patriots 33, Bills 17.
San Diego (+3) at OAKLAND (48.5): We'll all hoping for a black-and-silver win in this one just in hopes it will finally drive Norv Turner out of San Diego. Christ, it's like you have to put a stake through his heart or something. Raiders 26, Chargers 20.
Kansas City (+3) at DENVER (37): Tebow plays well in the game and John Elway curls into the fetal position and cries all night. Broncos 19, Chiefs 13.
Seattle (+3) at ARIZONA (40.5): Kinda anticlimactic after last year, ain't it? Seahawks 20, Cardinals 16.

Lock of the Week: Denver
Trifecta: Denver, Oakland, New England

posted by wfrazerjr at 11:49 AM on January 01, 2012

I have to say, from my humble perspective, the lack of teams in competition for a playoff spot makes the last week of the season somewhat anticlimactic. I miss when you would have three or four teams from each conference desperately scrapping to get in.

posted by Bonkers at 02:44 PM on January 01, 2012

I feel sorry for anyone who took the "under" on Tampa Bay-ATL. Good odds that it's going to go over before halftime.

posted by Bonkers at 05:26 PM on January 01, 2012

The Jets, Titans, Bengals, Raiders, Broncos and Chargers all having varying degrees of a chance isn't enough?

posted by Mr Bismarck at 05:30 PM on January 01, 2012

The Chargers were elminated with their loss last week.

posted by LionIndex at 07:50 PM on January 01, 2012

Yeah, I just bumped into that when everyone lost and they won and they still weren't in. A shame as I was looking forward to more Norv hilarity.

Five teams with a chance in the AFC and four of them lost and the one who did win didn't qualify.

posted by Mr Bismarck at 08:02 PM on January 01, 2012

I really won't miss Orissaurus Rex (Podophilius subspecies) in the playoffs this season, but this year's performance might bring the species close to extinction. The loud noises that emanate from this particular creature are not entertaining. Thanks, Miami, you've done at least one good thing this year.

On another note, have New England Patriots confused football with golf? It seems that in their last 2 games they have spotted their opponent a handicap (17 for Miami, 21 for Buffalo), and then proceeded to beat them. The wins are nice, but some Pats' fans might have had to make some expensive repairs to their flat-screens.

posted by Howard_T at 09:40 PM on January 01, 2012

The Jets, Titans, Bengals, Raiders, Broncos and Chargers all having varying degrees of a chance isn't enough?

Not really, no. 4 of the teams left (including the Cowboys/Giants) are fighting for division championship slots that owe more the fact that the divisions they are fighting for are terrible.

There was only one wild card slot in play left, and especially based on their efforts today, I'm not really satisfied.

Probably just me, though.

posted by Bonkers at 10:54 PM on January 01, 2012

"Miami, you've done at least one good thing this year."

A weird end to a weird season. 0-7 meant we very quickly weren't playing for anything, but to finish a season by driving in the final nail for the no ring circus was fun, even if the Jets brought the nails and the hammer themselves and then Sanchez lay in the coffin.

Add in two interceptions for a Defensive End, the longest drive by number of plays and time of possession in Dolphins history - 21 plays, 94 yards, 12 minutes and 29 seconds - and the Jets having to yank a captain out of the game for arguing in the huddle with his own players... hilarious.

Touching to see Jason Taylor boosted off the field too.

posted by Mr Bismarck at 12:33 AM on January 02, 2012

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