September 23, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Three 2011: NFL picks that wonder when it became acceptable for Kathy Bates to say "balls" on CBS.

posted by wfrazerjr to football at 01:53 PM - 5 comments

Welcome to Week Three of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we're a little late -- hanging out with Jerome Simpson will do that.

Simpson, a wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, got in big trouble this week for receiving 2.5 pounds of marijuana through the mail. Authorities had been tracking the package and when they searched Simpson's home, they found six more pounds of pot. That's 8.5 pounds of dope, or what's known around Willie Nelson's house as "breakfast."

The Hoser had a solid week, going 12-4 straight up and 10-6 against the spread. We hit both our Lock of the Week (Tampa Bay) and the Trifecta (TB, Houston and the Giants). We also hit a six-team parlay, which made for a nice Chinese dinner for Mrs. Hoser and all the many little Hosers.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as Republicans booing gay soldiers at a presidential debate.

New York Giants (+9) at PHILADELPHIA (50.5): Eagles quarterback Michael Vick heckled fans and pointed at the scoreboard in the third quarter of what turned out to be a loss in Atlanta. Perhaps he should have just bitten his tongue. Eagles 23, Giants 18.
San Francisco (+3) at CINCINNATI (41): Oh yeah, Cincinnati's Cedric Benson is also getting suspended. When will the Bengals just go ahead and run those stripes vertically all the way down the uniform? 49ers 23, Bengals 19.
New England (+8.5) at BUFFALO (53): Welcome back to Earth, Buffalo. Patriots 31, Bills 20.
Houston (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (53): Texans fan are so used to their team folding up after a big win, we're sure they're expecting a loss this week. That's good, because they'll get one. Saints 29, Texans 22.
Miami (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): Dolphins DE Jason Taylor was angered this week when some of his comments in a player's only meeting leaked out through a process he referred to as "tweet and twaht." Taylor then hitched up his plaid pants and headed to Old Country Buffet at 4 p.m. for the Earlybird Special. Browns 22, Dolphins 19.
Denver (+7) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Poor Kyle Orton. He's about as popular in Denver as Obama at an NRA rally. Titans 23, Broncos 17.
Detroit (-3.5) at MINNESOTA (45): Adrian Peterson says the Vikings should win this game. We think ADP should look up the word "win" again. Lions 26, Vikings 17.
Jacksonville (+3.5) at CAROLINA (43): Jaguars QB Luke McCown lasted about as long as a bag of Doritos at Jerome Simpson's crib. Panthers 20, Jaguars 14.
Kansas City (+15) at SAN DIEGO (45): Relax, people, the Chiefs will be fine this season ... as long as the CFL accepts their transfer application. Chargers 34, Chiefs 14.
NY Jets (-3) at OAKLAND (41): The Raiders have so many WRs missing against the tough NY secondary, Phil Collins should remake his hit for Jason Campbell -- "You'll be throwing the ball away, throwing the baaallll awayyyyy." Jets 24, Raiders 22.
Baltimore (-4) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (42): We bet there was a lot of walking funny around the Ravens' camp this week after Coach Harbaugh had his head up his team's ass. Ravens 24, Rams 16.
Atlanta (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (45.5): People talk about steroids and HGH, but when is Tony Gonzalez going to admit he moved to Altanta to be closer to the Fountain of Youth? Falcons 24, Buccaneers 20.
Arizona (-3) at SEATTLE (43): The Seahawks are so bad, they may have already been mathematically eliminated from the Mild, Mild West. Cardinals 24, Seahawks 17.
Green Bay (-3.5) at CHICAGO (45.5): Bears QB Jay Cutler said this week if his protection doesn't improve, he might not last through the season. Fans are wondering if that's a threat or a promise. Packers 26, Bears 19.
Pittsburgh (-10.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (39.5): This is not a joke -- we actually read somewhere that former No. 1 overall pick Jeff George said he could pick up the Indy offense in a week and play. How can we top that? Steelers 29, Colts 17.
Washington (-5.5) at DALLAS (46): Cowboys QB Tony Romo played with a fractured rib and a punctured lung last week, but we don't know what the big deal is -- he's been playing with half a brain for a couple years now. Cowboys 23, Racists 20.

Lock Of The Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Detroit, Baltimore

2011 Week 2 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $+1,240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 23-9
Against The Spread: 18-14
Lock of the Week: 2-0
Trifecta: 1-1
Money: $+1,760

2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $20
2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $144
2011 Season Pro-Line: $32
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+112

posted by wfrazerjr at 01:54 PM on September 23, 2011

We at The Hoser can't fault Detroit head coach Jim Schwartz for kicking the field goal on first down to defeat Minnesota in OT, but c'mon, man! After Calvin Johnson just made that amazing catch, don't you give him just one shot in the back of the end zone for the TD? And the cover? Yeah, we know, we know.

The Hoser finished up 11-5 straight up and a pretty weak 9-7 against the spread, but we hit the Lock of the Week (New Orleans) for the third time to start the season and, of course, the Lions cost us the Trifecta. We still turned a small profit for the week (and the third week straight to start the year).

2011 Week 3 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Money: $+240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 34-14
Against The Spread: 27-21
Lock of the Week: 3-0
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $+2,000

2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $42
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+102

posted by wfrazerjr at 02:27 PM on September 27, 2011

The Bears had a punt return for a touchdown late that would have beat the spread were it not for a phantom holding call that the guys calling the game couldn't find. Luckily, I had my fake money on the Pack.

posted by tron7 at 03:21 PM on September 27, 2011

I saw the replay of that on "C'Mon Man!" last night, and I can say I have never seen a deke done that way on a direction punt. It was brilliant, and no, it didn't look like the hold was there, but the replay ESPN showed didn't show the play in its entirety, so it could have been earlier up the field.

Still an amazing play.

posted by wfrazerjr at 04:53 PM on September 27, 2011

Video of that Bears return. Unbelievable!

posted by rcade at 06:06 PM on September 27, 2011

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