September 17, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Two 2011: NFL picks that are wondering why doctors seem to think their time is more valuable than everyone else's.

posted by wfrazerjr to football at 05:38 PM - 5 comments

Welcome to Week Two of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we're just killing time until the Charlie Sheen Roast starts.

We could say it was a good week for The Hoser because New England came through for us on the Lock of the Week, and the Trifecta slid down to a two-teamer with the Carolina/Arizona push, but we'll take it. We slogged through at 8-8 against the spread and 11-5 straight up, which puts us $440 ahead for the year thus far.

It was definitely a great week, though, as we added another little Hoser to the staff. Hello to Harrison, just four days old as I write this. No, he's not named after the former Indianapolis receiver. Think "Night Court."

Congratulations are also in order for Ron "Jaws" Jaworski, who managed to work the word "shit" into his discussion of Chad Henne's abilities. We don't know why he apologized, though -- you really CAN'T discuss Henne's abilities without using that word.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as putting the best player in the world back on the ice while he's still having trouble spelling "C-A-T" when you spot him a couple letters.

Chicago (+6.5) at NEW ORLEANS (47): No jokes here -- our condolences to one of The Hoser's favourite players, Brian Urlacher, on the sudden passing of his mother. Saints 27, Bears 21.
Kansas City (+7.5) at DETROIT (45): During last week's debacle, the resemblance between K.C. head coach Todd Haley and Munch's "The Scream" was uncanny. Get ready for "Scream 2." Lions 30, Chiefs 16.
Jacksonville (+8.5) at NY JETS (39.5): We can't guarantee a win for New York in this one -- Tony Romo won't be quarterbacking the Jaguars. Jets 24, Jaguars 17.
Oakland (+3) at BUFFALO (42.5): After some Week One fireworks, expect both these teams to crash harder than a raver off a case of Red Bull. Oakland's running game makes us like the points, though. Raiders 22, Bills 19
Arizona (+3.5) at WASHINGTON (44.5): And you all gave up on Sexy Rexy! Racists 23, Cardinals 17.
Baltimore (-6) at TENNESSEE (38): Chris Johnson and his Moonraker mouth will get more reps this week, but it won't be nearly enough. Ravens 28, Titans 19.
Seattle (+14) at PITTSBURGH (40): Look, we all saw how terrible the Steelers were against Baltimore, and we all saw how terrible the Seahawks were ... uhh, forever. But two touchdowns in Week 2? Steelers 26, Seahawks 16.
Green Bay (-9.5) at CAROLINA (45): Man, if you didn't beat the Cardinals with your rookie QB throwing for 400+ yards, you might not win a game all season. Packers 33, Panthers 14.
Tampa Bay (+3) at MINNESOTA (41.5): The good news for the Vikings is that Donovan McNabb's well-rested after throwing only 15 passes last week. The bad news for the Vikings is, they're still starting Donovan McNabb. Buccaneers 24, Vikings 17.
Cleveland (+2) at INDIANAPOLIS (40): Are the Colts really this bad without Peyton Manning? Yes. Yes they are. Browns 23, Colts 20.
Dallas (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (42): If you're looking for a real gambler, talk to Ted Ginn, Jr., who took a $1.2M pay cut last week to keep his roster spot and get free agency a year earlier. That's even ballsier than running one back out of the end zone. 49ers 23, Cowboys 17.
Houston (+3) at MIAMI (48): We haven't seen ground given up that quickly since the last time the French fought a land war. Texans 29, Dolphins 23.
San Diego (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (53.5): Tom Brady caught a little flak this week for suggesting that Patriots fans should "start drinking early." Yeah, like they needed to be told. Patriots 34, Chargers 24.
Cincinnati (+3.5) at DENVER (40): People don't realize how good the Bengals are this year -- and we're not just saying that because of the shiv being held against our kidneys. Bengals 23, Broncos 21.
Philadelphia (-2.5) at ATLANTA (49.5): If Michael Vick gets a standing ovation from the Atlanta crowd, we'll puke. We're glad he's doing well, but he deserves applause like Citibank deserves a bailout. Falcons 27, Eagles 24.
St. Louis (+6.5) at NY GIANTS (44): Eli Manning had a mediocre Week 1, so expect him to throw for 400 yards, run for a touchdown and raise Jimmy Hoffa from the Meadowlands turf this week. Giants 26, Rams 10.

Lock of the Week: Tampa Bay

Trifecta: Tampa Bay, New York Giants, Houston

Over/Under Good Buys: St. Louis/NY Under

2011 Week 1 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+440

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+440

2011 Week 11 Money Spent: $12
2011 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2011 Season Money Spent: $12
2011 Season Money Made: $0
2011 Total: $-12

posted by wfrazerjr at 05:39 PM on September 17, 2011

Yeah, like they needed to be told.

The sad thing is, there's some buzz among players that they do need to be told-- the Pats have been so successful recently, the crowd is becoming like Atlanta in the 90s, spoiled and quiet. Definitely not the old Schaeffer/ Sullivan/ Whatever Stadium of old. But there's still plenty of puke in the parking lot.

posted by yerfatma at 02:57 PM on September 18, 2011

Congrats, fraze. I did so terrible last week in my picks that I decide that random would be better than me thinking about it.

posted by bperk at 05:50 PM on September 18, 2011

Between Rex Grossman and Cam Newton, the league is getting almost 800 yards of air production a week out of the Mid Atlantic region alone.

And this weekend might mark the first signs of the revelation of god's master plan:

Pete Carroll to UCLA.

posted by beaverboard at 05:53 PM on September 18, 2011

If the Giants can pull it off tomorrow, I'll be smiling. My overall record ain't so great to atart the season, but I'm hitting the ones that count.

posted by wfrazerjr at 07:52 PM on September 18, 2011

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