July 30, 2003

Newsflash : In breaking news today, the manager for heart throb, hockey groupie, and and sometimes tennis player, Anna Kournikova, announced her recent failures may contribute to her earlier retirement from the sport that brought worldwide recognition. A nagging back injury is the named culprit.

posted by garfield to tennis at 12:01 PM - 22 comments

Please keep all 'back' jokes to a minimum.

posted by garfield at 12:01 PM on July 30, 2003

Well, now there's nothing holding her back from a career in the porn industry. Woo hoo!

posted by bcb2k2 at 12:05 PM on July 30, 2003

Maybe if she wasn't always on her back, her back wouldn't be injured..... Wait, I can do better. Her back was more integral to her success than originally thought.... getting warmer....nope, i think thats all i got for the day.

posted by garfield at 12:52 PM on July 30, 2003

Now that's spin! I'm not "lousy at tennis," I have a "nagging back injury!" This is awesome. I will use this in my next performance review.

posted by worldcup2002 at 01:07 PM on July 30, 2003

Truth is, she is retiring so that we can spend more quality time together...

posted by StarFucker at 01:42 PM on July 30, 2003

Wake up SF! You're still on the job. No time for nappies.

posted by garfield at 01:52 PM on July 30, 2003

Watch that left groin there, SF.

posted by worldcup2002 at 02:08 PM on July 30, 2003

If i was her agent, I'd suggest the nude modeling next step - it's what her fans want and isn't the customer always right? Reminds of a story I heard about the McCarthy trials when a young starlet with ties to suspected communists was being grilled by a senator at the hearing prior to it being televised (they had rehersals). She was asked where she got the money for her house, car and club membership despite not working in the past 2 years - she responded "Becuase I am the world's greatest cocksucker, senator, and if you ask that question tomorrow on TV that's the answer you're going to get."

posted by WeedyMcSmokey at 02:14 PM on July 30, 2003

(sound of typewriter)..... 'In other news, the right groin complained of being overshadowed by its more heralded kin. "It's just not fair. I had a go at Lance Armstrong earlier this year. I've atleast tangoed with a World Champion." Later, the right groin was seen crying in a corner, in what seemed to be the end result of a argument. Leftie was also seen speeding away from the scene in spandex.'

posted by garfield at 02:48 PM on July 30, 2003

Roy Oswalt's right groin answers back...

posted by mbd1 at 02:58 PM on July 30, 2003

Weedy, I need details! That's a helluva claim, and I'd like to do some research. HUAC, right? Yeah, what up 12th grade history.

posted by garfield at 03:00 PM on July 30, 2003

worldcup believes he only has one groin...i just thought i would clear it up for him...

posted by StarFucker at 03:06 PM on July 30, 2003

I am chagroined by that information. Hahahahahaha.

posted by worldcup2002 at 03:10 PM on July 30, 2003

This is actually legitimate news...or news to me. I wonder if the equation includes a factor for the almight dollar, and not just W's and L's. This is interesting, but behavioral economics is far from flawless, as is any theory in its infancy, and as always exceptions happen. But I like the direction this is going in.

posted by garfield at 04:06 PM on July 30, 2003

garfield, did you post to the wrong thread?

posted by StarFucker at 04:28 PM on July 30, 2003

I always do that....kinda off in my own little world. Actually, the 'news' theme is where I made the connection. You're right though. This new link is way too serious for a joke post.

posted by garfield at 04:45 PM on July 30, 2003

its still a cool story though....behavioral economics....check it out. (and if this is common knowledge to some, please excuse my ignorance.) (sound of a typewriter) 'And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.'

posted by garfield at 04:55 PM on July 30, 2003

'We interupt our broadcast to bring you this breaking story.' "ESPN has uncovered some main points in the prosecution's case against Kobe Bryant: The alleged victim sustained injuries that indicate their sexual encounter was not consensual, and Bryant intentionally misled authorities during questioning, sources familiar with the prosecution's case say" The above text was all that was available at first. The crux seems to be defining 'sex'. Again. 'Hon? could you get Bill on the phone? I need to talk to him.' So some consensual activity took place, but the intercourse was non-consensual. Kobe, you dumbass! A hummer ain't enough for ya?! Oh yeah, by the way, how do divorce proceedings take place when you are incarcerated?

posted by garfield at 05:21 PM on July 30, 2003

What is this, the Garfield interview?

posted by Samsonov14 at 05:36 PM on July 30, 2003

yeah, im schizo, and talking to myself.

posted by garfield at 05:37 PM on July 30, 2003

Did i need a vacation or what? Phish, IT's the best therapy.

posted by garfield at 04:01 PM on August 05, 2003

You're not logged in. Please log in or register.