December 02, 2003

Stick A Fork In It: Animal Sports for young old and cruel

STICK A FORK IN IT v.2.0



by Forksclovetofu (95)

Old McDonald Had a Franchise


You're getting older. Your kid is hardly quarterback material. Your best days are behind you.
How can you make your mark in the sports game this late in life?
Get a pet!

The animals on this field aren't the mascots, they're the players.

The "3rd Place: Pie Eating Contest" trophy on the mantle isn't quite doing it anymore. Little Jimmy has been a disappointment at soccer and Janey's no longer on the softball team. You feel like Dan Patrick is laughing at your couch potato ass between commercials. You've got Jordan-itis: your desire for competition is exceeding your capabilities. But how to recapture that old vicarious thrill? Maybe the old dog could learn a few new tricks...
That's how it starts.
You start out harmlessly enough; a little frisbee over the weekend with man's best friend couldn't hurt anyone, right?
But then you find yourself at the track... not betting; seeing if Rex has the chops to follow the rabbit and pimping Spot off to breeders. No such luck. The family pet's limitations are showing. Time to dabble in the pros.
So next week it's pigeon racing. Then deep sea fishing. And Steeplechase.
You're hooked.
Now you need the hard stuff. You're founding underground cockfighting leagues. You're running with the bulls. Dear god, you're watching dog shows.
You are an animal sports junky: a member of the dank, little-respected clan of sports outcasts who would rather watch Flipper than football, Seabiscuit instead of Remember the Titans, Best in Show over Bull Durham. Life is hard for these outcasts. But if you're one of these sad bastards, today's your lucky day, papi. I'm your pusher and it ain't snake oil I'm sellin'. It's animal sports excitement.
Sure, I got samples. But trust me, you can't win (but can you beat a 48 yard run?) with small fry. You gotta get into the big leagues and see everything the world has to offer. So herein follows Dr. Feelgood's medicine chest for the Avid New International Manager of Animal League Sports. Don't be shy.
A.N.I.M.A.L.S. Assemble!

Let's start by getting our feet wet with the 'gators. No, not THOSE 'gators. THESE 'gators. At a full grown weight of over 600 pounds and a standing height of 12 feet (well, they don't stand that often, but if they did...), these Warren Sapp look-a-likes are naturals for the sports world. To wit: the fine tradition of Greco-Roman Alligator wrestling.
So how do we break into this enticing field? Heck, it's harder to stay away from it. Take this simple three step approach and you'll be a gator grappler quicker than you can say "Oh god, my hand!"
First, make sure that you've cleared your mind of any other problems. A distracted alligator wrestler is a wrestler in trouble.
Next, school yourself on the rich history of this tradition and don't believe the hype; Coppinger was a few centuries late.
Lastly, go find you a gator pit and get you a job. Nothing but big time sports action for you and your gator from here on in!
And in the off season you can go noodling!
Now it's likely you'll hear complaints from some who would have you doubt your chosen sport as a cruel and pointless enterprise. My advice to you, young buck? Just let them know that you're not going to let any handbag be the boss of you. Then you wrassle on!

But let's say maybe you're not the 'gator wrestling type. Perhaps you'd like something a little less dangerous but with a hint of speed and suspense? I've got just the thing.
A.N.I.M.A.L.S., can you handle the thunder that is Armadillo Racing?
Now, I know what you're saying: I thought armadillo were only good for eatin'? Well, my disgusting friend, you're wrong again. Fact is that 'Dillos are good at all sorts of games; from football to bowling, even RPG's; but they really excel when on the track. Truly, armadillo racing is the undisputed sport of kings. So how can you get in on the action? Again, three simple steps:
1) Move to Texas. It's the only state that respects the nobility of the sport. They also gave us W. Coincidence?
2) Be prepared for danger. If you think 'gators were dangerous, you've never seen a riled 'dillo. Better safe than sorry.
3) Gear up. This stylish carrying case will make you the envy of all the other racers.
Your happy armadillo will do all the rest, hustlin' his fuzzy butt to victory. Easy as pie.
Sadly, for all it's obvious glory, armadillo racing is becoming a bit of a rarity. More and more armadillos are coming out of college early to join the NBA or the NFL and ignoring their natural predilection to the road in favor of gaudy endorsement deals and hot armadillo groupies.
Stop the madness! Join in now to support the tarmac dreams of a million mighty armadillos. Help the 'dillo drive survive!

But what's that, WWE fans? You want some rough and tumble action? Some bloodsport? Boy, have I got a sport for you. Try on a little Ram Fighting!
The perfect thing for getting past the tragedy that is Brenda Warner's hair, ram fighting is perhaps the only sport to ever receive an official seal of approval from none other than the Kama Sutra. Now THAT'S marketing.
What makes ram fighting so ingenious is its striking simplicity. Basically, you get two rams really pissed and then they butt one another until one wanders away with brain damage or dies. Then they sing the fight song. Beer and hot dogs optional.
Would you believe some ignoramuses consider this sort of thing inhumane? Don't let the killjoys stop you. Get your own goat and then get theirs. Ram it up!

What's that? Ram fighting too undignified for you? Well well, Mr. Hoity-Toity. Looks like I've got to up the ante just for you. You want imperious? You want imposing? You want big time sports excitement? Then it's time for Elephant polo!
This is as big as big league gets, so you'll want to be well prepared. Have a close look over the rules, pick up some of the official merchandise, memorize the dates of the important tournaments and (of course) you're going to have to go get an elephant. Oh, and don't forget to find some transsexual Thai cheerleaders; no game is complete without them.
With all this excitement to be had, is there any wonder that there's someone out to spoil the fun? Don't let those photographs of baby elephant torture get to you though. There's polo to be played, don'tchaknow?

Surely that's enough for one night. Come my A.N.I.M.A.L.S. Back home to your loving wives and your Sportscenter and your Olympic dreams. Your secret is safe with me.


We've had a lot of fun here, but please remember that groups like PETA provide many important services and deserve our respect and support.
... even if Ingrid Newkirk is a bit of a confusing woman...

(no animals were harmed in the making of this column)

posted by forksclovetofu to commentary at 10:56 PM - 0 comments

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