September 04, 2002

Thinking About Kickoff: Letters To NFL Notables

Oliver Willis is Thinking A series of letters to the NFL powers-that-be. Dear Comissioner Tagliabue,

What the hell man. Do you realize that it has been JANUARY since professional football has been played in America? (No, the Arena League doesn’t count – Go Avengers! – and I miss the XFL Cheerleaders) This is just wrong. Your sport is king, but the king wears his crown less than half of the year. Fix this.

Dear Rookie Holdouts,

Welcome to the NFL. We all hate you.

Dear NFL Today,

You’re not trying to get people to watch your show are you? I’ve discovered your ploy: sink the ratings until the set burns, collect the insurance money and convert CBS to the All-Survivor Channel. That’s the only way to explain having Jerry Glanville on year, then switching to Deion Sanders. I have Tivo and I tried to give Deion-related items as much thumbs-down as possible. It broke.

Dear Fox NFL Sunday,

Cris Collinsworth is gone, so who’s going to fill the pencil-neck quota? Michael Irvin? Jimmy Johnson? Because, you know, there’s not enough ex-Cowboys on television.

Dear Sports Illustrated’s Dr. Z,

You picked the Redskins to go last in the NFC East. Exactly how much money did Jerry Jones pay you this year to badmouth them? A pox on your house.

Dear Steve Spurrier,

OH MY GOD YOU HAVEN’T SCORED YET? COME ON! COME ON!

Dear Mike Tice,

Good luck this year. Sucka.

Dear Cincinnati Fans,

Forget it. Not this year either. Especially not with Gus “My Head Is A Battering Ram” Frerotte. (It seems the fans realize this and aren’t even bothering with the first game)

Dear Donovan McNabb,

Life is hard, isn’t it? One of the best QBs in the game, a handsome mug that will serve you well in Hollywood post-NFL, and an endless supply of women. Enjoy your chunky soup. You bastard.

Dear New England,

You spent how much on Tom Brady? Ok… it’s your cash.

Dear Baltimore Ravens,

Now you'll find out exactly how anemic an offense you'll have when "guru" Billick doesn't have Moss and Carter.

Dear Miami,

Soon you will realize that Norv Turner’s offensive genius requires Aikman, Emmett and Irvin to work. AKA: It doesn’t exist. Good luck, “Jay Fiedler”. (see Billick, Brian)

Dear St. Louis,

You guys are still the team to beat. How about this year you try and win the Superbowl and not just run around "assuming" you've already won. That didn't work out so great.

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