11/24/24
July 23, 2002
Thinking About Holding Out For More Money: Holding out for more money, and a pony.
It's July, when a young man's thoughts turn to girls in bikinis, hundred-degree weather, flip flops, and whether he can get an extra half million for his signing bonus. Yes, it's time for training camp.
The first thing you notice about NFL training camp is that the footage from every team is outright identical. A big grass field, in the middle of nowhere, with offensive linemen grazing about in the heat like cattle who have lost their way. The coach roams around much like a cowboy, giving the troops an "Atta boy!" or dispensing hands-on advice on the best way to tie on that bandana to block out the sun.
Training camp is supposed to be about finding the right man for the starting job, but chances are that the college phenom who you drafted in the first round and is supposed to be the "final piece in the puzzle", isn't there. Never mind that it's been almost three months since the draft happened, the agent going nose to nose with team ownership/general managers has become a time-honored NFL tradition. Think of it as a scene from inside the nuclear launch room on one of those submarine movies. The general manager has his key turned, waiting for the agent to turn his and launch the nuke to destroy the ungodly communists…
GM: Key set. Ready to launch.
Agent: I can't do that
GM: That's an order, turn your key!
Agent: We would like to turn the key, really, but there are a couple of details
GM: We don't have time, the Russians are going to launch!
Agent: We want three voidable years on the contract
GM: I can't do that, you were drafted in the middle of the first round. You have no negotiating power.
Agent: Give us more money
GM: I've got salary cap, soldier. You know that. Now turn your key!
Agent: [puts his key in his pocket, sits down on the floor of the sub, folds his arms]
The key can wait. We want more money, plus incentives.[The GM begins to sweat. The REPORTER walks up to him.]
Reporter: Captain, why haven't we launched? The Russians will kill us all!
Agent: See?
GM: Fine. He gets a 250k signing bonus.
Agent: And?
GM: More money if he rushes over 1,000 yards
Agent: 500 yards
GM: 500 yards? My momma could rush 500 yards!
Agent: Then call your momma and ask her to turn the key
Reporter: Captain, the Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!
GM: Fine, 500 yards. Now turn the damn key![The Agent pulls out his key, walks towards the GM]
Agent: Wait. Wait. One last thing…
[The sub EXPLODES as the Russians go on to win WW3 after a flimsy "forward motion" call on the field]
You know, something like that.
Oliver Willis wants "Shaq money" for his new novel, Valley Girl
posted by owillis to commentary at 12:52 PM - 0 comments