June 12, 2002

Thinking About Soccer. Thinking Real Hard.: Thinking about how Americans don't get soccer, and why

It's that time again, every four years the world gathers in an athletic contest of the highest caliber, coming together through the unity of sport to beat each other into a bloody pulp while listening to Bob Costas and Katie Couric prattle on incessantly about the symbolism of a crazy opening ceremony. Oh. Wait. That's the other one.

It's World Cup time. Woo-hoo.

Yes, we Americans don't like soccer. We're befuddled by it. We're willing to go along with the Olympics because even though we don't really understand the point of the decathalon or the four-man bobsled, the chances are better than most that we'll get more medals than anyone else (Summer Olympics) or at least make a good showing (Winter games). No such luck in the World Cup. America plays underdog, and that's not a position we're used to.

American boys play soccer (hence, soccer moms) but it seems once adulthood kicks in the soccer gene is lost to either other sports or, more likely, girls. Maybe its the water, or the Gatorade, or the fact that while most American males can rattle off the winners of the last 4-5 Superbowls, World Series and NBA Championships most aren't even aware that Major League Soccer exists.

The biggest hurdle to soccer in America is not using the hands. We're Americans, we like to demonstrate things with our digits and something like soccer just reins us in. There's tons of fancy moves one can do with a pair of feet and a soccer ball, but for us it pales in comparison to a tomahawk dunk, or even the "dirty bird" end zone dance.

Soccer celebrations are alien to us as well. Sure, Brandy Chastain looked boffo when she shared the logo on her sports bra with all of North America, but in general through our eyes soccer just looks like some nutty long haired guy who always looks he just saved the motherland with his overtime goal. Where's the swagger, the smack talking, the crotch shot that's bound to garner a fine from the league office on Monday morning?

Soccer is bathroom unfriendly. Oh, sure, on paper it seems right that a sporting event isn't a slave to its corporate masters (helloooo post-kickoff commercial block on the NFL!) but our American bladders are more in tune with stops for messages from beer, hardware and (inexplicably) financial services (what's that ING crap again?). Its like switching to daylight savings time, it takes a while for your body to catch up and by then its time to switch back.

Scoring. This is where American psychology is at its best/worst. The 7 multiplier in football. No, football teams don't score a puny "4". They score (puffing out chest) "28!". Biatch. This is worse than Harvard grade inflation. Unlike our other problems with soccer, this one is rooted purely in psychology. We protest that its a low-scoring game but if you took away the football-multiplier, basketball's new found hatred of defense, and baseball's poor pitching its not that different.

But what can the entire world agree on? Even as the war on terror heats up and alliances are split - the joy of French failure warms all of our hearts.

Also, the "Goooooooaaalllll" guy. He rocks.

Oliver Willis types from an undisclosed location somewhere in suburban Boston, where ill-fated magazines of little cultural value pop up.

posted by owillis to commentary at 10:00 PM - 0 comments