January 28, 2002

Jake Swerski's NFL Insider: NFL know-it-all Jake Swerski has the scoop (parody)

Jake Swerski's NFL Insider
Jake Swerski is our publication's NFL Insider. By this we mean he is a glorified gossip columnist who worked as an equipment manager for a USFL team. But we call him an insider so he can get sweet deals appearing on Sportscenter as well the Vinny Babarone Sports Animal Radio Show.

Hello sports fans! Well, the news I'm hearing around the league is all the talk of the locker room - besides Keyshawn Johnson's raging jock itch. Reports are coming in that halftime of the Superbowl, Mike Martz will be fired and executed as a sacrifice to the God Megalotha (the actual architect of the Rams' killer offense). Then he'll be roasted at the 50-yard line and made into turducken for John Madden. Martz's replacement will be none other than Buddy Ryan, whose first act will be to bench the entire Rams offense and have Grant Wistrom installed as QB - proving his tenet that defense really wins games. My source is a highly respected member of the league's janitorial fraternity and he assures me of the veracity of this story. Would I lie?

The season isn't even over but trade talk is heating up. Expect to see Bucs owner Malcolm Glazer trade Brad Johnson, Warren Sapp, and Mike Alstott to Houston in exchange for a third round draft pick. It's his bid to return the Bucs to the same level of play they entertained fans with during the '80s.

Talk at Redskins park has owner Dan Snyder firing Steve Spurrier after a low scoring training camp scrimmage, replacing him with no other than Senator Trent Lott. Lott's hard nosed "filibuster defense" has offensive coordinators from around the league quaking in their boots.

A well placed equipment manager says he heard from Joe Namath's gardner that Joe is about "80% certain" he'll return to the league, probably as the Jets Director of Furry Coats and Playoff Guarantees.

Phil Simms, guest editor for National Review's "Girls of the SEC" issue. Guaranteed.

Commish Paul Tagliabue and Player's Union head Gene Washington are at odds over the direction for helmet design in the league. Tagliabue says a return to leather will bring back the feeling of loyalty and camaraderie. Washington insists fluffy pillows and in-game margaritas will be a deal breaker for the latest round of union negotiations.

League sources indicate that the next tv contract will demand $90 billion dollars and the soul of Michael Eisner for Monday Night Football.

Players in Miami claim the water in their locker room is "icky".

Jake Swerski
Lower Midwest Sporting Review and Dairy Farm Milking Report

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Oliver Willis has mental problems. He's also a Redskins fan. The two really aren't related. Really.

posted by owillis to commentary at 12:56 AM - 0 comments