04/24/24
March 23, 2004
All the NBA News That's Fit to Read: There's no place with more honest team assesments than this:
"[The Nuggets] are now on the outside looking in, at no less then the Utah Jazz, who are powered by the Vanilla Trinity of Matt Harpring (if only in spirit), Andrei "AK-47" Kirelinko, and Gordan Giriceck. Rookie of The Year canidate (and shoe-in for the Second Coming of Mark Aguirre Award) Carmelo Anthony pulled himself out of Friday night's Motown car-jacking by the Pistons."
[via fittedsweats]
posted by yerfatma to basketball at 11:59 AM - 7 comments
Funny stuff. Like an edgier version of Los Chucks. Thanks for the link, yerfatma.
posted by pivo at 02:08 PM on March 23, 2004
I like it. He says all the things that writers from ESPN and SI can't say. It's not fair, with hindsight being 20/20, but check out just how wrong his season preview turned out: In the name of Keith Van Horn's injured groin
I do believe it's on.'Tis the season for Pat Riley to continue to be the patron saint of the Van Gundy clan, for Eddie Griffin to smoke mad trees and shoot at his girlfriend. 'Tis the season for Kobe and Shaq to compete in the Asshole Olympics. And 'tis the season for all of us to pray to the ghost of Dave DeBusschere that we get a Sixers/Wolves Finals.
Dreams are free, motherfucker.
Here are just one Irish-Jewish man's opinions on the upcoming campaign.
Feel free to tell me that I am on drugs and that Carmelo Anthony is just Adrian Dantley without the Isley Brothers tapes.
My astute observations:
THE WASHINGTON BULLETS
They Shootin'! The Wiz will win the Atlantic. Word to Rosario Dawson. They've got more talent then the Nets and more depth to leg out the season. I obviously think Gil Arenas is the truth. But I also happen to be bonkers about everyone else on this team. Larry Hughes is back playing the 2. If Kwame fits into Eddie Jordan's system he could put Kenyon-like numbers up. They've got crazy shooters (soemthing Jerz really lacks (Jarvis Hayes Rookie of they Year (I SAID IT!))). And if all else fails, they've got Maryland's Nat'l Championship Backcourt! Juan Dixon! Steve Blake, Son! Fuck a Heinrich!
BOSTON CELTICS:
I truly think that with the loss of Antoine "I Wake Up Every Morning Under The Assumption That I Am The Second Coming Of Bernard Fucking King" Walker, I truly think that Extra P will raise his game to, like, Jesus level. Vin Baker is 12-Step-Dieseled-Out (remember, he once had game before he met that evil man, Johnny Walker!). Besides in the East, where a man with one kidney is considered the pre-eminent center, Raef is looking like the White Olajuwon!
PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS
GGGGG-UNIT! Ok, by using my patented By-Subtracting-The-Thing-That-Made-Them-Good-They-Might-Get-Better-Theory (check for the book at Christmas! It's the new Moneyball), I think Mo' Better might get these dudes to act right. They lose the combined 800 years and 326,000 pain relief injections per night of Scottie and Sabonis. But check it out: Zach Randolph, after beating up on Summer Leagues for most of the century, is starting, and everyone says his shit is wired tight. So tight that Rash is playing the 3 now. They've shaved off enough of the bench so that people like Bonzi, Damon "I'm not a starter I just puff a lot" Stoudamire and Derek Anderson now get the minutes and touches they've been asking for. And don't sleep on Qyntel Woods!
SACRAMENTO KINGS
Guess what? You're the new Utah Jazz. Congratulations. Webber and Bibby are the softbatch version of Stockton and Malone. Brad Miller is a hayseed who will probably get his ass handed to him by people like Danny Fortson on a nightly basis. This would be the exception to the rule (the rule being By-Subrtacting-What-Made-Us-Good-We-Get-Better theory (study your darts, herbs!)) They lost Hedu and Jimmy Jackson and reloaded with...Anthony Peeler?! Tony Massenburg!?
posted by dusted at 02:18 PM on March 23, 2004
The one with "All apologies aside, General Manager Kiki Vandelweghe is all like..." is worth finding. In fact, it's kinda hard to miss.
posted by yerfatma at 03:00 PM on March 23, 2004
Camper Van Exel (!) (Wish I'd thought of that handle) on Wally "down syndrome" Szczerbiak was what finally choked me. It's worthy of a MAD TV sketch at least. I could read more of this, and I'm not a big fan of the NBA at all these days.
posted by chicobangs at 04:51 PM on March 23, 2004
I don't think he patented the By-Subtracting-The-Thing-That-Made-Them-Good-They-Might-Get-Better-Theory, Bill Simmons claims prior art from the mid-90's.
posted by mbd1 at 11:05 AM on March 24, 2004
The latest article is awesome. "Chairman Hubie Brown's agrarian socialist 10 man rotation."
posted by dusted at 02:40 PM on March 25, 2004
From the blog: Pat Riley: What is the story, Brohannon's!? Me and the God, Udonis Haslem are about to fuck around with the Passion...OF THE CHRIST. Ever since I quit coaching you midnight tokers, its been nothing but massages with happy endings. I figured it was time to remember what jail was really like, ya heard!? This is good. But now my co-workers are wondering why I keep getting the surpressed giggles.