October 05, 2007

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Five 2007: NFL picks that watch poker just for Jennifer Tilly.

Welcome to Week Five of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still marvelling at former Barry Bonds gal pal Kimberly Bell’s statement that despite the fact she’s nude in Playboy in a couple months, she’s not a golddigger. Right, and I’m Jimmy Kimmel.

The Hoser had another ugly week, going 7-7 against the spread and a miserable 6-8 straight up. Also, not only did we miss the Lock of the Week, but we missed all three games of the Trifecta. Right now I don’t think we could pick Barbra Streisand’s nose.

Weight-loss company Nutrisystem has launched a campaign centering on ex-NFL players slimming down. Just one thought -- why hasn’t anyone called Tony Siragusa about this?

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Travis Henry watch your stash.

Carolina (+3) at NEW ORLEANS: Dear Saints fans, we hope you feel better soon. Here is quarterback David Carr to help you on your road to recovery. Love, Carolina. Saints 23, Panthers 21.

Jacksonville (-2.5) at KANSAS CITY: The Hoser gives credit where it’s due – we thought the Chiefs were deader than vaudeville this season. We don’t like this pick, but we can’t go against the Arrowhead homers two weeks in a row, and no, we’re not getting free brats for saying that. Chiefs 26, Jaguars 24.

Detroit (+3.5) at WASHINGTON: Detroit is 2-20 against Washington since 1968, but how can the Lions be an underdog to a team that signed Keenan McCardell for receiver help? Lions 23, Redskins 17.

Atlanta (+8) at TENNESSEE: One more week of this and we’ll be able to put our Joey Harrington autographed Oregon Ducks mini-helmet back on eBay! Only $39.99! Titans 23, Falcons 19.

Miami (+5.5) at HOUSTON: Startling news from the world of marine biology – dolphin language can now be converted into English. According to scientists, the first message translated as follows: “Please ask the SPCA to file suit against Miami to have them change their mascot. It’s demeaning to us.” Texans 22, Dolphins 21.

Seattle (+6) at PITTSBURGH: The Hoser shouldn’t be the one to point this out, but Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren probably needs to lay off the latte. His manboobs are starting to make Phil Mickelson look like Twiggy. Steelers 31, Seahawks 20.

Cleveland (+16) at NEW ENGLAND: Sixteen points is a really, really big line. And the Patriots are a really, really good team. Patriots 34, Browns 17.

Arizona (-3) at ST LOUIS: Football fans in St. Louis are looking forward to the return of their old team. They aren’t, however, looking forward to the return of Brenda Warner’s hair. Does she take a troll doll to Magic Cuts for reference? Cardinals 30, Rams 13.

New York Jets (+3) at N.Y GIANTS: The Giants recorded an amazing 12 sacks against Philadelphia last week. Due to injuries, however, the Eagles were apparently forced to start Stephen Hawking at left tackle. Giants 23, Jets 21.

Tampa Bay (+10) at INDIANAPOLIS: How good is Indy’s front office? Knowing the team would need a tackle, the Colts traded their 4th rounder this year and first rounder next year for San Fran’s second-round pick – and took Tony Ugoh, who has been fantastic this season. Bill Polian should be running the world. Colts 30, Buccaneers 22.

San Diego (+1.5) at DENVER: We’re rooting for Denver. If the Chargers blow one more game, The Hoser staff will be able to start recycling all our Matt Millen jokes into Norv Turner material. Chargers 27, Broncos 26.

Baltimore (-3.5) at SAN FRANCISCO: With the injury to Alex Smith, the 49ers will turn to Trent Dilfer at quarterback this week. Does anyone else view Dilfer’s Super Bowl ring with the Ravens like a safety award for a monorail driver – as long as you don’t totally screw things up, how could you possibly get in serious trouble? Ravens 23, 49ers 13.

Chicago (+3.5) at GREEN BAY: Bears quarterback Brian Griese attempted 52 passes last week in a loss to Detroit. That’s a sign of The Apocalypse, isn’t it? Packers 24, Bears 20.

Dallas (-10) at BUFFALO: Filling in for the injured J.P. Losman, Bills rookie QB Trent Edwards led his team to its first win of the season last week. Some people have wondered if this would lead to a quarterback controversy, but we think it’s ridiculous – that’s calling Losman a quarterback. Cowboys 34, Bills 13.

Lock of the Week: Dallas

Trifecta: Dallas, Arizona, New England

Final count for Week Four:

SU: 6-8

ATS: 7-7

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

The Money Game: $-760

For the season:

SU: 38-24

ATS: 29-30-3

Lock of the Week: 1-4

Trifecta: 0-4

The Money Game: $-1,520

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