12/03/24
January 12, 2007
The Hoser's NFL Picks, Postseason Week Two: NFL picks that still think Judith Light is the hottest woman ever.
Welcome to Week Two of The Hoser's Postseason NFL Picks, where we’re still throwing rolled-up socks at our TiVo’ed Cowboys-Seahawks game.
The Hoser was so close to having a huge week last, going 2-2 both straight up and against the spread. But a dropped PAT cost us one upset and -- well, okay, we weren't that close on the Indy game, but then, we didn't realized K.C. had waived Larry Johnson in favor of Ray J.
Our Giants Lock of the Week came through, but my God, we have finally learned our lesson – we can never again think Eli Manning won’t suck in a pressure situation. He has, he does and he will. Where do we buy our Jared Lorenzen authentic (which incidentally doubles as a great car cover)?
Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as handing Tony Romo your baby.
Indianapolis @ BALTIMORE (-4): Herm Edwards will be getting a memo. In the future, it will be necessary for all NFL coaches who plan to pull the gasface in the playoffs to file a pre-suck outline with The Hoser’s office at least three days in advance.
Indy’s win over the Chiefs can be attributed less to Peyton Manning (the softest 30-of-38 in history) and a suddenly staunch Colts’ D than to absolutely gutless playcalling by Kansas City. The Hoser’s wife knew what was coming two plays in advance – and she was in the kitchen making Ro-Tel and Velveeta dip.
So to think Indianapolis will improve against a terrific Ravens defense and be able to sustain its newfound backbone against Jamal Lewis is stretching it thinner than Mary-Kate Olsen's butt. Baltimore 23, Indianapolis 17.
Philadelphia @ NEW ORLEANS (-5): If this was the NCAA, this game would be the Splenda Bowl -- all of this artificial sweetness is making The Hoser sick.
On one hand, you have the Saints, who spent an entire season on the road last year and who have the sympathy of the nation following Hurricane Katrina. Of course, they’re also playing in a venue that was repaired long before other more important structures in New Orleans, and, ummm … they’re all rich guys.
The Eagles can counter with Jeff Garcia, who somehow garners pity despite his engagement to a Playboy Playmate/WWE Diva. The guy’s 6-1 and 200 pounds, and yet people seem to think Philly has Gary Coleman under center.
It comes down to weapons, and the Saints simple have more of them. Bush, McAllister, Colston, Henderson, Brees and maybe Horn is a lot of hoss to rope, especially for a Philadelphia defense that didn’t exactly shut down the Giants last week.
Bet the Saints – it never hurts to back the guys with possible direct ties to the Great Commissioner in the Sky. New Orleans 29, Philadelphia 22.
Seattle @ CHICAGO (-8.5): Oh, the intrigue – will Rex Grossman snap out of it? Will Brian Griese get his chance to shine? Bears head coach Lovie Smith took a chance on creating a Donald vs. Rosie situation, but expect Griese to be in by the second half of this one.
The weather in the Windy City is expected to be right around freezing with snow thrown in. In other words, God has the under. It means the Seahawks will do what they’ve done on the road all season – stink, and this time they may even stink on ice.
Still, with the unsettled QB situation and possible treacherous footing, we’ll say Seattle keeps it close enough to cover. Chicago 19, Seattle 14.
New England @ SAN DIEGO (-4.5): First off, Bill Belichick is a punk. Your former protégé schools you during the regular season and you give him the dead fish, but you beat him in the playoffs and you’re all about the hugging and touching? Go buy some sleeves, you jerk.
Second, Belichick and the Patriots are going to get punked. They didn’t play all that well defensively against the Jets, and stepping up to San Diego’s O is like swapping a Walkman for an iPod.
The only possible roadblock is Coach Schottenheimer, who has a habit of clinching up tighter than Cameron Frye come playoff time. Still, he's never had LaDainian Tomlinson to carrying out the grinding.
Plan on LT going nuts and Philip Rivers to do enough for the Chargers to cover. San Diego 27, New England 20.
Lock of the Week: San Diego
Week One Postseason:
2-2 ATS
2-2 SU
1-0 LOTW
+$480
Final Season Stats:
129-123-3 ATS
156-99 SU
7-10 Lock
2-15 Trifecta
-$2,750
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