November 29, 2006

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Thirteen: NFL picks that can't wait to see Bill Frist take his rightful place on the PTL Club.

Welcome to Week Thirteen of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where if you�ve been simply doing the opposite of what we suggested, it finally cost you.

The Hoser went a moribund 8-8 against the spread and 10-6 straight up, but finally managed to hit on a Lock of the Week. Well, actually, our Ouija board picked New Orleans, but it also told us Elton John�s next video would feature a nude scene, and now we�re too creeped out to use it again.

The NFL shocker of the week was Bill Parcells cutting loose kicker Mike Vanderjagt after the Cowboys signed him to a three-year, $5.5M deal in the offseason. Vanderjagt wanted to get out of town as quickly as possible, but not surprisingly, he missed his plane.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Michael Vick teach your kids sign language.

Baltimore @ CINCINNATI (-3): Bengal speedburner Chris Henry snagged two TD passes against the Browns last week, but he�ll be hard-pressed to outrun the punishment of a possible DUI conviction this week. Insert �jail + wide receiver� joke here. Ravens 22, Bengals 17.

Indianapolis @ TENNESSEE (+7.5): In response to injuries, the Colts have signed WR Ricky Proehl. This is Proehl�s sixth NFL team, meaning he�s been picked up almost as much as Chris Henry. Colts 33, Titans 21.

Minnesota @ CHICAGO (-9.5): Bears QB Rex Grossman has 15 turnovers in the past six weeks. After the botched snap at New England�s five-yard line last week, we wondered � has anyone seen Grossman and Kurt Warner in the same room recently? Bears 20, Vikings 14.

Tampa Bay @ PITTSBURGH (-8.5): The Steelers have been relying increasingly on the pass, getting away from the run-oriented offence that brought them a Super Bowl title last season. You know you�re getting too predictable when Terry Bradshaw can guess the next play. Steelers 23, Buccaneers 16.

Arizona @ ST. LOUIS (-6.5): Cardinals head coach Dennis Green said his team will pound the ball more after throwing 51 times and running just six last week. That�s about as balanced as having Bill O�Reilly and Tucker Carlson run your U.S. foreign policy debate. Rams 26, Cardinals 22.

Jacksonville @ MIAMI (-2): This whole Nick Saban thing is getting ridiculous. Our local Chick-fil-A put up a �Now Hiring� sign and Saban sent out a press release saying he wasn�t interested in the job. Dolphins 23, Jaguars 20.

San Francisco @ NEW ORLEANS (-7): In researching the possible legal battle over the 49ers� name if the franchise relocates to Santa Clara, The Hoser discovered Rice-A-Roni�s headquarters are actually in Chicago. We understand, though, as �The San Francisco Treat� is probably a better slogan than �You�ll Feel The Windy City In Every Bite�. Saints 31, 49ers 13.

Atlanta @ WASHINGTON (-1.5): Yes, the �Skins won a game under new QB Jason Campbell, but favoured over the Falcons? To paraphrase the great Harvey Keitel, �Let�s not start SLAPPING each other�s BACKS just yet.� Well, that�s what he says on TBS, anyway. Falcons 22, Redskins 17.

Kansas City @ CLEVELAND (+5): After his little hissy fit on the sidelines last week, Browns WR Braylon Edwards said, �I wish I could do it back, but I can�t.� This explains Edwards grabbing QB Charlie Frye�s jersey for attention, as Edwards obviously can�t speak English. Chiefs 27, Browns 17.

Detroit @ NEW ENGLAND (-13.5): Lions GM Matt Millen nearly died of exposure this week after he was found sitting in his car outside a shuttered drive-in theatre. Millen later explained he had been waiting to see �Closed For The Winter.� Patriots 29, Lions 17.

San Diego @ BUFFALO (+6): Chargers LB Shawne Merriman returns from his four-game steroids suspension declaring he�s ready to play. Team doctors are a bit worried, however, after noticing Merriman�s physique now resembles Olive Oyl�s. Chargers 30, Bills 17.

NY Jets @ GREEN BAY (-1): Packers QB Brett Favre continued his amazing streak last week. No, not of making 252 consecutive starts � the other one where he makes at least three utterly stupid decisions in a game. Jets 24, Packers 20.

Dallas @ NY GIANTS (+3.5): The History Channel is currently cutting footage of the Hindenburg crash from its �Greatest New Jersey Disasters� special and adding a biography of Eli Manning. Cowboys 26, Giants 21.

Houston @ OAKLAND (-3): The Hoser can�t get excited about this game, but Oakland�s decision to demote Tom Walsh totally makes us want to Shoop (drops needle on Salt N� Pepa and begins Cabbage Patching). Raiders 17, Texans 13.

Seattle @ DENVER (-4.5): Broncos QB Jake Plummer has been axed as the team�s starter, but he�s taking it well, saying it will allow him to devote more time to his film career. Plummer�s fighting not only a lack of acting experience, but also being typecast as a homeless guy. Seahawks 22, Broncos 20.

Carolina @ PHILADELPHIA (-3): Panther fans calling for the benching of their struggling quarterback, Jake Delhomme, are generally quieted by whispering two little words in their ears � Chris Weinke. Eagles 23, Panthers 21.

Week Twelve Hoser�s Dozers

QB: Chad Pennington, New York Jets � Pennington had a shaky couple weeks before getting the magic elixir that is the Houston Texans in Week 12. As long as the frozen tundra isn�t too frozen, Pennington should ice the league fourth-worst pass defense.

RB: Sammy Morris, Miami Dolphins � With Ronnie Brown out after hand surgery, Morris should get the lion�s share of the carries this week. Consider his backfield partner a Minor inconvenience and play this cat.

WR: Kevin Curtis, St. Louis Rams � Maybe Torry Holt kicked his dog or something, but QB Marc Bulger has suddenly stopped looking in Holt�s direction. That means targets for Curtis, and if he does well, remember Utah (State) it here first.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Kansas City, Indianapolis

Week Eleven:

8-8 ATS

10-6 SU

1-0 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

+$240

Overall:

81-92-2 ATS

111-64 SU

3-9 Lock

1-11 Trifecta

-$5,460

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