12/21/24
November 29, 2006
The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Thirteen: NFL picks that can't wait to see Bill Frist take his rightful place on the PTL Club.
Welcome to Week Thirteen of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where if you’ve been simply doing the opposite of what we suggested, it finally cost you.
The Hoser went a moribund 8-8 against the spread and 10-6 straight up, but finally managed to hit on a Lock of the Week. Well, actually, our Ouija board picked New Orleans, but it also told us Elton John’s next video would feature a nude scene, and now we’re too creeped out to use it again.
The NFL shocker of the week was Bill Parcells cutting loose kicker Mike Vanderjagt after the Cowboys signed him to a three-year, $5.5M deal in the offseason. Vanderjagt wanted to get out of town as quickly as possible, but not surprisingly, he missed his plane.
Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Michael Vick teach your kids sign language.
Baltimore @ CINCINNATI (-3): Bengal speedburner Chris Henry snagged two TD passes against the Browns last week, but he’ll be hard-pressed to outrun the punishment of a possible DUI conviction this week. Insert “jail + wide receiver” joke here. Ravens 22, Bengals 17.
Indianapolis @ TENNESSEE (+7.5): In response to injuries, the Colts have signed WR Ricky Proehl. This is Proehl’s sixth NFL team, meaning he’s been picked up almost as much as Chris Henry. Colts 33, Titans 21.
Minnesota @ CHICAGO (-9.5): Bears QB Rex Grossman has 15 turnovers in the past six weeks. After the botched snap at New England’s five-yard line last week, we wondered – has anyone seen Grossman and Kurt Warner in the same room recently? Bears 20, Vikings 14.
Tampa Bay @ PITTSBURGH (-8.5): The Steelers have been relying increasingly on the pass, getting away from the run-oriented offence that brought them a Super Bowl title last season. You know you’re getting too predictable when Terry Bradshaw can guess the next play. Steelers 23, Buccaneers 16.
Arizona @ ST. LOUIS (-6.5): Cardinals head coach Dennis Green said his team will pound the ball more after throwing 51 times and running just six last week. That’s about as balanced as having Bill O’Reilly and Tucker Carlson run your U.S. foreign policy debate. Rams 26, Cardinals 22.
Jacksonville @ MIAMI (-2): This whole Nick Saban thing is getting ridiculous. Our local Chick-fil-A put up a “Now Hiring” sign and Saban sent out a press release saying he wasn’t interested in the job. Dolphins 23, Jaguars 20.
San Francisco @ NEW ORLEANS (-7): In researching the possible legal battle over the 49ers’ name if the franchise relocates to Santa Clara, The Hoser discovered Rice-A-Roni’s headquarters are actually in Chicago. We understand, though, as “The San Francisco Treat” is probably a better slogan than “You’ll Feel The Windy City In Every Bite”. Saints 31, 49ers 13.
Atlanta @ WASHINGTON (-1.5): Yes, the ‘Skins won a game under new QB Jason Campbell, but favoured over the Falcons? To paraphrase the great Harvey Keitel, “Let’s not start SLAPPING each other’s BACKS just yet.” Well, that’s what he says on TBS, anyway. Falcons 22, Redskins 17.
Kansas City @ CLEVELAND (+5): After his little hissy fit on the sidelines last week, Browns WR Braylon Edwards said, “I wish I could do it back, but I can’t.” This explains Edwards grabbing QB Charlie Frye’s jersey for attention, as Edwards obviously can’t speak English. Chiefs 27, Browns 17.
Detroit @ NEW ENGLAND (-13.5): Lions GM Matt Millen nearly died of exposure this week after he was found sitting in his car outside a shuttered drive-in theatre. Millen later explained he had been waiting to see “Closed For The Winter.” Patriots 29, Lions 17.
San Diego @ BUFFALO (+6): Chargers LB Shawne Merriman returns from his four-game steroids suspension declaring he’s ready to play. Team doctors are a bit worried, however, after noticing Merriman’s physique now resembles Olive Oyl’s. Chargers 30, Bills 17.
NY Jets @ GREEN BAY (-1): Packers QB Brett Favre continued his amazing streak last week. No, not of making 252 consecutive starts – the other one where he makes at least three utterly stupid decisions in a game. Jets 24, Packers 20.
Dallas @ NY GIANTS (+3.5): The History Channel is currently cutting footage of the Hindenburg crash from its “Greatest New Jersey Disasters” special and adding a biography of Eli Manning. Cowboys 26, Giants 21.
Houston @ OAKLAND (-3): The Hoser can’t get excited about this game, but Oakland’s decision to demote Tom Walsh totally makes us want to Shoop (drops needle on Salt N’ Pepa and begins Cabbage Patching). Raiders 17, Texans 13.
Seattle @ DENVER (-4.5): Broncos QB Jake Plummer has been axed as the team’s starter, but he’s taking it well, saying it will allow him to devote more time to his film career. Plummer’s fighting not only a lack of acting experience, but also being typecast as a homeless guy. Seahawks 22, Broncos 20.
Carolina @ PHILADELPHIA (-3): Panther fans calling for the benching of their struggling quarterback, Jake Delhomme, are generally quieted by whispering two little words in their ears – Chris Weinke. Eagles 23, Panthers 21.
Week Twelve Hoser’s Dozers
QB: Chad Pennington, New York Jets – Pennington had a shaky couple weeks before getting the magic elixir that is the Houston Texans in Week 12. As long as the frozen tundra isn’t too frozen, Pennington should ice the league fourth-worst pass defense.
RB: Sammy Morris, Miami Dolphins – With Ronnie Brown out after hand surgery, Morris should get the lion’s share of the carries this week. Consider his backfield partner a Minor inconvenience and play this cat.
WR: Kevin Curtis, St. Louis Rams – Maybe Torry Holt kicked his dog or something, but QB Marc Bulger has suddenly stopped looking in Holt’s direction. That means targets for Curtis, and if he does well, remember Utah (State) it here first.
Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Kansas City, Indianapolis
Week Eleven:
8-8 ATS
10-6 SU
1-0 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta
+$240
Overall:
81-92-2 ATS
111-64 SU
3-9 Lock
1-11 Trifecta
-$5,460
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