12/03/24
November 24, 2006
The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Twelve: NFL Picks that wonder just how strong the fan is in the bathroom on John Madden's bus.
Welcome to Week Twelve of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re getting over our withdrawal from American Thanksgiving. Just don’t mention green bean casserole or we could relapse.
The Hoser finally started to rebound to early-season form, going 9-6-1 against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Seriously – we counted like four times.
There was some excitement in the Hoser household also, as we had two Pro-Line cards with four games each and three right heading into Monday night. Unfortunately, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin somehow forgot he had Tiki Barber in his backfield while Eli Manning played with all the poise of Kirstie Alley in a Haagen-Dazs outlet. Thanks, Tom!
Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as thinking the world won’t notice you’re suddenly four inches taller in your wedding photos.
Miami @ DETROIT (+2.5): While families across America sit down to enjoy the holiday turkey, Lions' fans know theirs is sitting upstairs in a luxury suite somewhere. Dolphins 22, Lions 20.
Tampa Bay @ DALLAS (-11): How the mighty have fallen. While new Dallas QB Tony Romo downplays rumors of a budding relationship with Jessica Simpson, deposed signal caller Drew Bledsoe is emphatically denying a romantic link between him and Mindy Cohn. Cowboys 27, Bucs 17.
Denver @ KANSAS CITY (PK): Two things you can count on -- the Chiefs playing tough at Arrowhead (7-1 ATS last season) and KC tailgaters having cholesterol levels higher than the averages of most PBA members. Chiefs 23, Broncos 21.
Jacksonville @ BUFFALO (+3): Jaguars DT John Henderson continues his pre-game ritual of being slapped around by a trainer before taking the field. Oddly enough, it’s the same thing Clay Aiken does to get ready for a concert. Jaguars 27, Bills 17.
Houston @ NEW YORK JETS (-5.5): Texans OL Fred Weary had resisting arrest charges dropped against him this week after getting Tasered during a recent traffic stop. The two officers involved won’t be suspended, but they will be forced to spend two hours in a locked room listening to Roger Clemens talk about himself. Jets 20, Texans 17.
Pittsburgh @ BALTIMORE (-3): Ravens place kicker Matt Stover saw his run of 36 consecutive made field goals end last week. Stover hadn’t shanked one in more than a year and was chasing current Dallas K Mike Vanderjagt, who hasn’t missed in the last … four minutes. Ravens 20, Steelers 16.
Cincinnati @ CLEVELAND (+3): Browns WR Braylon Edwards caught some flak from his teammates this week for questioning an early-season shot by DB Brian Russell’s on Cincy wide receiver Chad Johnson that left Johnson helmetless and with a huge gash on his chin. Physicists defended Russell, however, saying he was most likely sucked in by the gravitation pull from Johnson’s mouth. Bengals 28, Browns 20.
Arizona @ MINNESOTA (-6.5): Rumors are circulating the Cardinals have already decided to fire head coach Dennis Green at season’s end and hire former Lions coach Steve Mariucci. Arizona management denies it, and also refutes recently interviewing Tom Izzo for the job. Cardinals 22, Vikings 20.
San Francisco @ ST. LOUIS (-5.5): 49ers receiver Antonio Bryant displayed incredibly poor judgement this week. No, not just for his arrest for drunk driving – who buys a Lamborghini in orange? 49ers 24, Rams 23.
New Orleans @ ATLANTA (-3): Jim Mora Sr., father of the head coach of the Falcons and a former head coach in the NFL himself, called QB Michael Vick a “coach killer”. It should be taken with a grain of salt, however – the same day, he called his waitress at Denny’s a “Grand Slam killer”. Saints 23, Falcons 20.
Carolina @ WASHINGTON (+4): RB Clinton Portis’s hand injury will keep him out for the rest of the season, but he’ll keep trying to entertain the press with his costumed antics. Portis said he had hoped to play Dr. Evil, but that Redskins owner Dan Snyder quashed the idea after Portis said Snyder was too short to appear with him as Mini-Me. Panthers 23, Redskins 14.
Chicago @ NEW ENGLAND (-3): How explosive is Chicago’s defense? Ron Rivera just turned down the Raiders’ offensive coordinator job. Bears 16, Patriots 14.
Philadelphia @ INDIANAPOLIS (-9): With Donovan McNabb out for the season, Jeff Garcia takes over at quarterback. To make him feel more comfortable in the pocket, the Eagles have signed his girlfriend, Carmella DeCesare, to karate-kick any blitzing safeties. Colts 29, Eagles 22.
New York Giants @ TENNESSEE (+3): An injury has left him unable to practice much of the week, but Michael Strahan still found a way to get involved. He let Jay Feely kick through the gap in his teeth. Giants 24, Titans 19.
Oakland @ SAN DIEGO (-13): With Lamont Jordan out for the season, the Raiders will be forced to turn to Justin Fargas at running back. Fargas is the son of the actor who played “Huggy Bear”, but it doesn’t take Starsky or Hutch to figure out Oakland’s going to get slapped upside the head. Chargers 30, Raiders 19.
Green Bay @ SEATTLE (-9.5): The Seahawks have activated Matt Hasselbeck and listed him as their third-string quarterback. He won’t be useless to Seattle, however, as if Seneca Wallace’s helmet radio breaks down, the Seahawks will send in plays using Hasselbeck’s shiny dome like an Aldus lamp. Seahawks 31, Packers 16.
Week Twelve Hoser’s Dozers
QB: Charlie Frye, Cleveland Browns – Frye has been consistent all season, and now RB Reuben Droughns is questionable and a weak Cincy defense is in town. Frye has a great future – too bad the rest of the team is full of Dr. Zoidbergs.
RB: Correll Buckhalter, Philadelphia Eagles – He sounds like an Ivy League economist, but Buckhalter saw increased looks from QB Jeff Garcia. Buckhalter will be pushing to impress for the upcoming free-agent market, and that means more dough in his pocket next season – and fantasy points in yours this week.
TE: Jeff Dugan, Minnesota Vikings – In his first action since being drafted in 2004, Dugan hauled in three passes for 20 yards. Against a lousy Cardinals defense, Dugan could double that and even sneak in a TD – if a 6-4, 258-pound guy can sneak anything in.
Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: New Orleans, Jacksonville, Arizona
Week Eleven:
9-6-1 ATS
12-4 SU
0-1 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta
-$170
Overall:
73-84-2 ATS
101-58 SU
2-9 Lock
1-10 Trifecta
-$5,700
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