November 09, 2006

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Ten: NFL Picks that wonder what Katherine Harris will do with herself now.

Welcome to Week Ten of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where at least we had a better week than the Republicans.

The Hoser improved a bit, although going 8-6 straight up and 5-9 against the spread only looks good when you’ve picking winners with the same success rate as Britney Spears in the husband pool.

In the fun NFL fight of the week, Oakland defensive lineman Tyler Brayton was fined $25,000 for kneeing Seattle tight end Jerramy Stevens in the groin at the end of their contest in Week 9. Stevens was not seriously hurt in the altercation, but team doctors said after the game he was a little testes with them.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having John Daly as your marriage counselor.

Kansas City @ MIAMI (+1): Dolphins head coach Nick Saban said criticism of his team by Bob Kuechenberg helped spur his team to its win over Chicago. This confused us until The Hoser realized Kuechenberg was a member of the 1972 Dolphins and not Bill Kirkenbauer, the male lead in the ABC ‘80s sitcom “Just The Ten Of Us”. Chiefs 29, Dolphins 20.

Houston @ JACKSONVILLE (-10.5): It didn’t go well for Kinky Friedman on Tuesday night, and it’s gonna go even worse for the Texans this weekend. Jaguars 27, Texans 13.

San Diego @ CINCINNATI (+1.5): Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer said he will be giving football fans an early Christmas gift. This week, instead of tearing a phony name off the back of wide receiver Chad Johnson’s jersey, Palmer will tear out Johnson’s tongue. Chargers 23, Bengals 20.

Cleveland @ ATLANTA (-7.5): Falcons QB Michael Vick may have a career in the movies. After last week’s performance against Detroit, he’s up for the title role in a remake of “The Man Who Fell To Earth”. Falcons 26, Browns 16.

Baltimore @ TENNESSEE (+7.5): There’s both good and bad to head coach Brian Billick’s successful return to play calling for the Ravens. It’s great that Baltimore’s offense is firing on all cylinders, but Billick’s head may swell up enough to cause eclipses in neighboring states. Ravens 24, Titans 10.

Buffalo @ INDIANAPOLIS (-11.5): With running back Willis McGahee out with a few broken ribs, the Bills will turn to Anthony Davis, a veteran with a great nickname – “A-Train”. It even sort of mirrors QB J.P. Losman’s nickname, or at least the word Buffalo fans say every time he drops back to throw – “F-Bomb.” Colts 33, Bills 19.

New Orleans @ PITTSBURGH (-4): Another week of the Steelers being inexplicably favoured against a better team. Does Bill Cowher have pictures of Danny Sheridan naked with Bea Arthur or what? Saints 26, Steelers 20.

Washington @ PHILADELPHIA (-7): Eagles QB Donovan McNabb unveiled his new “Super Five” clothing line this week, which features hooded sweatshirts, vests and knit sweaters. Not to be overshadowed, the Redskins’ secondary also debuted its brand of fire-retardant sportswear named “Burnt Toast”. Eagles 28, Redskins 17.

Chicago @ N.Y. GIANTS (-2.5): The Hoser finally jumps on the Bears’ bandwagon and bang! – it collapses. Hey, we didn’t see the “Not Safe For Backbacon Inhaling Canadians” sign. Giants 20, Bears 16.

Green Bay @ MINNESOTA (-5): Ahhh, Minnesota, the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” … and zero offensive creativity. Scoring three points against the 49ers is like striking out on a date with Paris Hilton. Vikings 17, Packers 16.

N.Y. Jets @ NEW ENGLAND (-10.5): The Hoser was poking around the Patriots’ web site, looking for some inside info, when he came across this gem of a quote from center Dan Koppen after the Indianapolis game – “We don’t want to lose around here.” And you wonder why sportswriters always seem to have an open beer next to them. Patriots 24, Jets 21.

San Francisco @ DETROIT (-6): One win does not stop the Matt Millen joke train! So … Matt Millen walks into a UPS Store and asks for a box two inches high, two inches wide and 50 feet long. The clerk looks at Millen and says, “What would you want a box like that for?" "Well,” Millen says, "my neighbor moved away but left some stuff in the garage, so he asked me to send him his garden hose." Lions 23, 49ers 13.

Denver @ OAKLAND (+9): Raiders head coach Art Shell looked mortified Monday night after his quarterback was sacked nine times in a loss to Seattle. Seriously, Andrew Walters spent more time on his ass than Don Quixote. Broncos 29, Raiders 7.

St. Louis @ SEATTLE (-3.5): St. Louis fans have to be a little disturbed that Rams head coach Scott Linehan was mentored by recently fired Mighigan State head coach John L. Smith. That’s like finding out your nanny was referred by Michael Jackson. Seahawks 24, Rams 20.

Tampa Bay @ CAROLINA (-9.5): Hey, remember when Bucs head coach Jon Gruden was a genius? Panthers 30, Buccaneers 17.

Dallas @ ARIZONA (+7): The Hoser and his lovely wife have been taking odds on our seven-month-old daughter’s first word. “Mama” is at 2:1, “kitty” is at 4:1, and “Obafemi Ayanbadejo” is at about the same odds as Dennis Green having a job at the end of the season. Cowboys 31, Cardinals 21.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Detroit, Kansas City

Week Nine:

5-9 ATS

8-6 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$1,000

Overall:

58-68-1 ATS

81-46 SU

2-7 Lock

1-8 Trifecta

-$4,570

And here’s our new weekly feature, The Hoser’s Three Great White (North) Hopes. These are our three guys to surprise on your fantasy roster this weekend:

Anthony Thomas, RB, Buffalo – With McGahee out and the Colts defense handing out rushing yardage like half-priced Halloween candy, the “A-Train” should make at least one stop in the Indianapolis end zone. He’s also a solid pick-up for the remainder of the season.

David Martin, TE, Green Bay – When Brett Favre is short on guys he recognizes to throw passes, the veterans benefit, i.e. Donald Driver seeing more balls than … well, we’ll pass on the cheap Tyler Brayton joke. Martin, however, has caught four balls in each of the last two games and scored two TDs in the last three weeks.

Detroit, D – No, the Lions aren’t particularly wonderful, but they’re playing San Francisco this week, and the 49er red zone offense is softer than ice cream on the beach. Also, an ugly minus-7 turnover ratio means cheap points for you, needy owner.

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