February 15, 2006

Olympic Men's Hockey: Many Will Enter, Four May Win: Weedy McSmokey earned his hockey expertise one Canadian beer at a time

Hi all my SpoFi brothers and sisters. Today (several days late and a dollar short), I summon you to my pulpit of hockey to preach on the glory of Olympic gold. Typically a good poster will supply a series of embedded links within the body text to show you the variety of interesting articles that cumulatively supplied the information for these educated rants.

For the record, I am not a good poster.

What follows is simply my opinion, culled from years of screaming at the television and lamenting drunkenly in untold bars across the Great White North. Besides, our picks are already in, so for god's sake use these picks to bet real money.

Everyone always says that in a short tournament "anyone" can win. Sorry that's just said for the benefit of Mom's and kids. It's total crap. Realistically, there are about four teams that should contend. I'll start with the no-brainers and move on to, well, the other no-brainers.

Canada

This just in -- gold is no longer good enough. These guys need to win platinum, or dare I suggest -- Adamantium - in order to be truly considered victorious. You've likely heard all the hyperbole: Canada could field two medal contending teams, destroy half the field while only allowed to skate backwards and can bench press the island of Sicily. They also have the deepest collection of forwards, defence and goaltending in the tournament (but the ability to bench an island is way cooler).

However this is not a team without some questions:

The loss of Scott Niedermayer is, for lack of a better word, big. In addition to losing the best skating defenceman in hockey with an impressive international resume, he was also inexplicably replaced by Jay Boumeester –who is incapable of providing even a third of Niedermayer's lost offensive contribution. Suddenly, with Pronger's cracked foot, Jovonoski's absence and no Niedermayer -- the blueline is not nearly as mobile or as deep as it was in November. (I find it very difficult to think of the name 'Niedermayer' without it reminding me of Animal House. Remember how at the end of the movie the caption regarding Niedermayer was that he was killed by his own troops in Vietnam? Did you know that in the beginning of Platoon if you listen carefully you can overhear a conversation about 'fragging Niedermayer' as homage to Animal House? Conclusion: Platoon was a funny movie.)

However these are but small things when compared against the overwhelming reality that no team in the Games has the equivalent amount of talent, grit (people complain about the NFL having felons abound, but take a look at these guys -- Bertuzzi, Heatley and I'm pretty sure Marty St. Louis killed a guy over a piece of pie once), youth, experience and gamesmanship that the Canadians are bringing. Sadly, for the opposition, Marty Brodeur is (again) one of the hottest goalies in the NHL in 2006 with more shutouts and wins than anyone else.

Prediction: So good they sleep with your sister and you still shake their hand at the breakfast table. Gold.

Did you know?
Wayne Gretzky is a second generation Canadian. His grandparents (on his father's side) were Ukrainian.

Czech Republic

The consensus number two team assembled, the Czechs have a devastating collection of forwards and the best money goalie not named Brodeur, in Dominik Hasek. A resurgent Jaromir Jagr will be almost impossible to contain on the larger ice surface and the supporting cast up front can compete with anyone. I have no jokes about the Czechs because as an ardent fan of Canada -- the Czechs just aren't funny. They are as serious as cancer and should be treated accordingly.

Problems arise only when viewed against such teams as Canada, Sweden and Russia. Specifically the blueline gets a little thin after the Kaberle brothers (it just sounds like they should be acrobats and have the adverb "Flying" preceding their name. That or arms dealers.). This is also not exactly a tough team. Though, really, that is getting less and less important.

Prediction: Stay away from my fucking gold medal. Take Silver.

Did you know?
Jaromir Jagr wears number 68 to commemorate the Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia in, yes, 1968. But it's okay now. Some of his best friends are Russian.

Sweden

Forsberg plays. Really, it all starts there. Sweden has all the ingredients to challenge for the gold, and it seems they always have had that, but still haven't come through since the NHL decided that the IOC's invitation was worth accepting. But Forsberg is the game-changer. The guy who plays in the corners and delivers the puck to the stick of the great assortment of finishers that the Swedes boast. How effective will he be though? Well, if history is an indicator -- he should be the best player in the tournament. I can't understand why this guy is injured all the time. He has the medical record of an 84-year old diabetic, but every time he limps out there he just wrecks the competition.

Biggest difference this year: Henrik Lundqvist. He very much seems like the real deal and has plenty of experience playing on the larger ice (where the lateral movement of goalies is put to a much bigger test). Just not seeing the name Tommy Salo anywhere in the dressing room has got to be a big plus to the collection of veteran forwards and defensemen (Sweden is full of vets -- it's just hard to tell because they're all blond and look like they're 17). Between Lundqvist and the emergence of the Sedin twins as hockey players and not punchlines, Sweden looks groovy. You have to have a good team to make everyone not care that Markus Naslund isn't showing up. And really, no one seems to.

Besides, if Karma is any indicator -- these guys are DUE.

Prediction: Third! Maybe second. No third. Definitely third…. Possibly fourth.

Did you know?
Sweden has not participated in a war in more than two centuries.

Russia

What happened to Russians being excited to play for Russia? It's like these guys are lining up for trips to the dentist. All this was true under the iron fist of Viktor Tikhonov -- half-ass a shift, and whoops, Grandma just caught the 5:15 to Noversibirsk. Now with "Smily" Pavel Bure (and his oodles of underworld connections) at the helm (I love that phrase -- "at the helm" -- could be driving a ship, could be leading a committee -- just sounds like you're in charge), this is all supposed to be a big love fest. Except that a lot of Russians still aren't buying it. Kovalev apparently found out about his selection to the team while surfing the net.

Good stuff -- Kovalchuk and Ovechkin, possibly on the same line -- which will be tough, considering they're both left wingers. Don't look for them anywhere close to the front of their own net. In fact, I expect that they'll be hooking each other in order to get first in line for cherry picking. Good.

Prediction 4th -- Out of the medals and into the Vodka! Seriously, everyone should party with Russians. They simply try to kill you.

Did you know?
Ivan the Terrible was so overwhelmed by the beauty of St Basil's Cathedral (built 1555-60) that he blinded the architect so that he could never create another building as impressive.

Finland

Everyone likes Finland. They play a hard forechecking North American style, have some skill up front and are definitely in the business of producing wicked goalies. A lot of their players are products of a national team system that has led to a collection of players that know each other and the system well, producing a comfortable group that seems to play better than the numbers would indicate. Nice to see Teemu Selanne scoring again -- truly one of the nice guys in the NHL.

However, the big blow to this team was dealt in November when Mikka Kipprosoff elected to take his name out of the running as backstopper. With him, they have a chance at a medal. Without him, they need a miracle to beat the top teams.

Prediction: 5th -- just feels right.

Did you know?
Teemu Selanne is a certified Kindergarten Teacher back in Finland.

USA

The biggest news surrounding the American entry isn't who's on the team, but who isn't. Where's Brian Leetch? How could you leave Brian Leetch of a team that includes Jordan Leopold? Where's Ryan Miller? -- easily (and I mean EASILY) the best American goalie working right now. Where's JR? Ah, not a huge loss, but it keeps the theme going. Chris Chelios has officially reached Jamie Macoun "crumbly old man" status (but we all love Chelios, so it's all in good fun) and DiPietro has looked anything but Olympic calibre all year long. A medal will be a challenge for this schizophrenic mix of over-the-hill and excitable youngsters.

The good stuff is the emergence of Brian Gionta. A guy named Gionta playing in his first Olympics in Italy? If he doesn't score a ton of goals with that kind of pedigree he must be punching babies or something. By the way -- Bill Guerin has got to be the most overrated player in hockey, having recently stolen the title from Trevor Linden.

Prediction: 6th with an outside shot at a medal. Much better shot at those lovely speedskaters.

Did you know?
The reason why the White House is white is due to the original house (which was brown) being razed by British forces during the War of 1812. Under today's rules, that war would have to go to a shootout, after being tied through 55 minutes.

Slovakia

Good top line talent in places, just not enough of it. The need to start cloning Zdeno Chara was obvious five years ago, but clearly the program was under funded, because they still only have one. That lack of foresight will cost them a chance at a medal. Which they never really had if you want to get real about it. Good, but no where near as good as the guys listed above. A little weak at the knees, if you know what I mean.

Prediction: May put the US into seventh and finish 6th.

Did you know?
The Tatra Cup, the second oldest tournament in Europe (after the Swiss Spengler Cup), was first contested in Slovakia in 1929. Hockey players apparently only ever play for Cups.

Germany

Marcel Goc's chance at being a 1st line player. Kolzig's chance to see more rubber than, uh, well, he did in Washington. Yes, they don't have a chance, and yes, their best players can hardly be said to have learned the game in Germany, but you know what? They always show up and play their guts out. And they build such fine automobiles. If this were school, Germany would get the perfect attendance award.

Prediction: No chance in hell, but good on ya, lads.

Did you know?
Of the 40,000 U-boat personnel in WWII, 30,000 were killed.

Switzerland

What a cool country: Switzerland. Everyone knows how to speak at least three or four languages, all that Nazi gold and some fine-ass watches and chocolate. Also gives us all those hottie tennis players. Sadly, none of this has anything to do with hockey.

Prediction: Worse than Germany. Better than Kazahkstan.

Did you know?
French Huguenots were exiled to Switzerland in the 17th century due to their Protestantism. Many soon travelled to the New World in the 18th century -- including my ancestors. That's right -- my family has been in Canada since 1786. You'd think I'd be rich. Stupid ancestors.

Kazakhstan

Let the Nik Antropov jokes commence! Having nice uniforms would be a victory. Man, those speedskaters are freaking sexy. I wish I was an Olympian. Or an eccentric wannabe like JJ (Zing!). There is very little point in actually discussing Kazakhstan's chances.

Did you know?
There is a Kazakh sport called kokpar, a precursor of polo. That's the one where a goat, a dead goat - a headless dead goat -- is held by one rider and he has to run away with it from others who seek to catch it and snatch it from him. And then they have a party.

Latvia

Arturs Irbe is the only recognizable name out of this collection of overwhelmed participants. A victory, let alone a medal, would be huge. Hey, the bright side is you get to go to the opening and closing parade, eat good Italian food and maybe score with the Swedish women's team. So when you really consider it, life's actually pretty good if you're a Latvian hockey player during an Olympic year.

Prediction: Strikes out with the Swedish Women's team. (Swedish women prefer a winner.)

Did you know?
The Dome Cathedral in Riga is home to an organ with 7000 pipes, recognized as one of the finest musical instruments in the world.

Italy

At least the team isn't totally populated by guys I know from Woodbridge. If they're not scared shitless, they're drunk.

Prediction: Boy, tough one.

Did you know?
The famous Shroud of Turin is actually in Turin -- and can be seen regularly at the White Cathedral. Also, Turin was the automobile capital of the world in the early 20th century.

posted by WeedyMcSmokey to commentary at 02:21 PM - 0 comments