11/23/24
October 21, 2005
The Hoser Picks, NFL Week 7: NFL predictions that wish Britney's husband would just take a damned bath already.
Welcome to the seventh week of the National Football League, where The Hoser bounced back with an 8-6 against the spread and a solid 10-4 straight up. However, the party that had been scheduled for reaching .500 ATS for the season was cancelled due to an accounting error which had credited me with two more wins than I deserved. Those responsible (some firm named Enron -- I can't recommend them) have been sacked. New England slipped to .500 on the season, but it's mainly because of injuries. Citing a shortage in the secondary, Pats head coach Bill Belichick recently brought in several older players for tryouts, including Bill Bates, Paul Kruse and the remains of Red Grange. We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly 'cause he's in Vegas and maybe he can get me one of those white tiger cubs from Siegfried and Roy. Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as picking the Atlanta Braves to win a World Series. Kansas City at MIAMI (-2): Did Trent Green's arm fall off or something? Why is Miami favored? Kansas City 31, Miami 20. New Orleans at ST. LOUIS (-3): God love the Saints (ha!) for hanging in there against Atlanta last week. I suspect they'll be a little down, but hey, they're playing the Rollover Rams! New Orleans 27, St. Louis 23. Green Bay at MINNESOTA (+1.5): The Vikings' hopes for this season are sunk, but there is some good news -- they have been accepted for the America's Cup in 2008. Green Bay 28, Minnesota 10. Houston at INDIANAPOLIS (-15): I can't remember a line this big -- or this deserved. Indianapolis GOOGOLPLEX, Houston 13. Pittsburgh at CINCINNATI (pk): Rudi! Rudi! Rudi! Cincy 23, Pittsburgh 20. San Diego at PHILADELPHIA (+3.5): Eagles head coach Andy Reid said the rest of the NFC East is "catching up" to his team. Yes, in the same fashion that England "caught up" to Argentina in the Faulkand Islands War. San Diego 28, Philadelphia 24. Detroit at CLEVELAND (-3): Ugh. Cleveland 17, Detroit 16. San Francisco at WASHINGTON (-13): LaVar Arrington said he rejected his contract because it contained the "mark of the devil." Well, duh ... Dan Snyder had to sign it somewhere. Washington 31, San Francisco 17. Dallas at SEATTLE (-3): Historical note -- Alexander the Great was a bedwetter. Side note -- Bill Parcells may be wetting the bed thinking about Shawn Alexander. Seattle 23, Dallas 17. Buffalo at OAKLAND (+3): That grinding noise you hear is Al Davis's patience wearing thin. Oakland 24, Buffalo 23. Baltimore at CHICAGO (-1): Ugh II -- Dyspeptic Boogaloo. Baltimore 19, Chicago 17. Tennessee at ARIZONA (-3.5): Ugh III ... oh, nevermind. There are more dogs on this week's slate than in Takeru Kobayashi's stomach. Arizona 33, Tennessee 24. Denver at NEW YORK GIANTS (-2): I'm starting to gain faith in Bronco QB Jake Plummer. I'm also starting therapy soon. Denver 27, NY Giants 21. New York Jets at ATLANTA (-7): The Falcons have exactly one player on the injury report this week. Conversely, the Jets have exactly one healthy player. Atlanta 31, New York Jets 16. Lock of the Week: Green Bay Trifecta: Green Bay, Kansas City, Denver Week Six, Straight Up: 10-4 Week Six, ATS: 8-6 Week Six, LOTW: 1-0 Week Six, Trifecta: 0-1 Week Six, Bank Statement: +400 Season, Straight Up: 51-39 Season, ATS: 44-46 Season, LOTW: 3-3 Season, Trifecta: 0-6 Season Bank Statement: -$1,400
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