February 01, 2005

Owner's Manual 1: An Owner's Manual even George Steinbrennar will be able to use!

January 25, 2005 Zac Schniers’s gift to all sports owners and commissioners…. An Owners Manual….. literally. By: The Intern Isn’t that what every sports Owner/Commissioner needs these days? A manual for how to do things in one of most toughest media-prone fiascos in this country today. A manual that prevents publicity stunts like “Basketbrawl” 2004: The fight between the Pistons, Pacers, and the Detroit Pistons fans, the NHL Lockout, the whole steroids issue with baseball, and the ever constant antics of bad boys like Randy Moss and Terrell Owens in the NFL. Anyways, here’s this random list of 25 things that owners/commissioners should do in the sports world today: 10. Don’t buy and sell players like it’s fantasy football. Ok the point is, don’t pull a George Steinbrennar and make your whole city hate you, while practically using your money to buy players that no team has the money to buy or re-sign for that matter, and take over the league doing it. I know this sounds like a good idea to do, but it’s really not. Because it attracts the most popular thing in America! The Media! 9. Make a haircut rule for your players: NO FROS! HAHA. I just put this one in here because I think it is amusing. And it’s funny how there are some bad things and good things that connect afros to sports. And do you think that the kids around the world will buy Randy Moss jerseys now? NO and it’s not because of the fro’ it’s because the antics he pulled of at Lambeau Field! Do you see what afros do to a player? The good thing is the basketball fro’ with Dr. J and Moses Malone. The bad thing is Randy Moss AHHHHH. You see Randy, the fro was the style back in the 70s not in the new millennium! Dr. J just has style, your just ugly. 8. When you 3+ championships with a team, keep with the team! Ok I know this manual is for owners only, but I’m going to use a coach as an example. And I will use one of the best coaches in NBA history as my example, no not Red Auerbach, but the Zen master himself, Phil Jackson. Now I’m pretty sure everybody from Illinois is familiar with the Bulls’ six championship era in the 90s led by none other than Phil Jackson, and the infamous Michael Jordan. And I’m sure you are even more familiar with the fact that when Michael Jordan retired, Jackson moved on to Kobe. No that’s not right, just because your star player retired doesn’t mean you go to a different team. Look at the supporting cast that Chicago had those years: MVP caliber Scottie Pippen, sharp-shooter Steve Kerr, mad rebounder Dennis Rodman, and underrated players like Ron Harper and Luc Longley. Ok Phil, I would be surprised if you said you did not regret that move. And by the way Phil, isn’t it ironic that after you won 3 championships with the Lakers that you got fired? Man Jerry Buss must be a critic if he fires you right after you lose 1 finals game. 7. Don’t trade for a guy that has little media experience and bring him to the media empire of America. Courtesy of Randy Johnson and George Steinbrenner, co-hosted by a local TV station in New York. That’s a Jay Leno version of the story that happened with Randy Johnson this past month. Owners listen up! Don’t bring a guy like Randy Johnson who was from Arizona, one of the least media-prone cities in the United States to the most infamous city in the United States, New York City! One tip: If a famous guy does something wrong, even if it’s a tiny little thing, the media has a field day, especially if you hit the media! So this is a tip to all owners: Don’t do what George Steinbrenner does. No wonder he's called the Evil Emperor 6. Be more like Theo Epstein. This has got to be one of my favorite GM/Owners of all time. He’s young, he knows how to manage his team, and he adds personality to the rusty Red Sox, plus he has celebrities writing books about his team (Stephen King), and even celebrity couples are coming to Fenway now (Ben Afleck and Jennifer Garner) The point is, the guy attracts media, but in a good way. I’ve never turned on SportsCenter and have seen a segment on Theo Epstein being a bad owner. Put it this way he’s like Cinderella and George Steinbrennar is the evil stepsister. I just simply like the guy is all, and I think owners younger AND older than him should follow his example. good guy…good guy… 5. Pay your players their salaries before they go on strike. This one is to the commissioners, mainly explaining the fault of the NHL. Ok here’s the deal, in the sports world today everybody wants money, and if they don’t get it, they do things drastic, for example the NHL Lockout. Look commissioners, don’t let this happen, we have enough controversies in sports, don’t jeopardize sports in general, put some policies for salaries or something because this is getting ridiculous. 4. Put more security in arenas and stadiums. This instruction refers to “Basketbrawl 2004”. I know you are under a lot of heat about this David Stern, but there is a solution. First suspend Ron Artest for the season, no exceptions. It would be less but with his past troubles he should know better. Another thing to do is put more security in arenas. That whole ordeal is ridiculous, kids won’t even go to games anymore, parents are complaining, players are pulling off publicity stunts, people are getting hurt, everything in the book basically is happening! And the only thing we can do is enforce it, and we need more security in the arenas to do so, so that’s a shout-out to David Stern. 3. Do random marijuana tests along with steroid tests. Ok this is a no-brainer, but players keep on doing it. I can name one big name that stupidly retired because of it: Ricky Williams. Look guys, that just sets a bad example for kids, and it’s just plain sick, so owners just step it up a level, do random marijuana testing. If it keeps happening suspend the players for longer periods of time. 2. Don’t listen to the Player’s Associations. These guys are just players, of course they’re going to want more money. That’s why owners need to take a stand, I mean the power of owners to players is steadily declining, with examples of the BALCO scandal, Basketbrawl, and the NHL Lockout, it’s going to get worse. 1. Stay away from the Media. Only in America. Don King’s words describe what the sports world is today, an activity shrouded by the media, and America is a media empire, which causes problems for sports, because if somebody does something the world will know it by the 6:00 news. So sports owners and commissioners, I advise you to stay away from the media, it will humiliate you in so many ways with tabloids and stupid networks like CBS, so just don’t do anything stupid to cause media attraction.

posted by The_Intern to at 06:01 PM - 0 comments