November 06, 2003

NFL Week 10 Picks: NFL predictions that think Liza and Nathan make a cute couple.

After I managed to get back on the beam this week at 8-5-1, I thought I might tool around cyberspace a bit and see how my other, more widely known fellow prognosticators at ESPN were faring this season. Hector and Victor are not exactly blowing me out of the water. Hector is 68-62 ATS and 80-40 straight up, while Victor is 69-61 ATS and 83-47 straight. I'm beating them both, and this is disturbing, as I don't get a cute little drawing of myself on SportsFilter. By the way, the rest of the ESPN crew has not the sac to pick ATS, but I see that Joe Theismann and Merril Hoge trail the field. I'm stunned. Interestingly enough, I couldn't find Chris Berman's "Swami Sez" online, but that might be because his success rate in selecting winners has been about the same as Captain Hook's in picking his nose. As always, these picks are not meant for gambling purposes. They are meant to be funnier than any sitcom featuring a former "Seinfeld" cast member. Houston @ CINCINNATI (-5): Environmental Protection Agency officials are thrilled to have located an empty space big enough to hold New York City's garbage through the end of the century. Trucks will begin backing up to Corey Dillon's mouth shortly. Bengals 26, Texans 20. Chicago @ DETROIT (+2): I haven't seen rematch this anticipated since "Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place" went head-to-head with "Union Square." Bears 24, Lions 20. Miami @ TENNESSEE (-5): Is it just me, or every time you say the Tennessee franchise name, do you hear Dan Aykroyd say, "Here's something by a famous French painter — Titian!" Titans 28, Dolphins 20. Cleveland @ KANSAS CITY (-10): Browns fans are looking for a ray of hope this week, and there is one — this game will be so lopsided, the Chiefs will pull Priest Holmes in the third quarter. KC 31, Browns 13. Atlanta @ NY GIANTS (-10.5): Sorry, but even the Falcons aren't THAT pitiful. Giants 24, Falcons 16. Arizona @ PITTSBURGH (-7.5): This game was originally scheduled to be played at Sun Devil Stadium for donations, but no one needs any more Pokemon coins or coupons for Sonic. Cardinals 20, Steelers 19. Seattle @ WASHINGTON (+3): 'Skins coach Steve Spurrier, convinced that his troubles center around not having enough players from Florida, has made contract offers to Jeb Bush, Ponce De Leon and both gay guys from "The Birdcage." Seahawks 30, ThoseRacistsDudes 17. Tampa Bay @ CAROLINA (+3): Lessee … Bucs win/lose/win/lose/win/lose/ win/lose … ta da! Bucs 23, Panthers 17. Indianapolis @ JACKSONVILLE (+7): Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afal and LaBrandon Toefield will get more carries for the Jags this week. Damn, I wish Harry Caray was here to broadcast this one.. Colts 28, Jags 17. Minnesota @ SAN DIEGO (-5.5): The Vikings have looked a little sickly the past two weeks. Good thing the Chargers are the NFL's equivalent of chicken soup. Get well, Randy! Vikings 37, Chargers 20. DALLAS @ Buffalo (+4): The Cowboy O-line has been decimated by injuries. Bill Parcells is so desperate for bodies, he called Nate Newton to remind him about Texas Stadium's natural grass. Cowboys 24, Bills 14. NY Jets @ OAKLAND (+2): How far has new Oakland QB Rob Johnson's star fallen? The Raiders decided to give Rick Mirer a shot first. Jets 23, Raiders 20. Baltimore @ ST. LOUIS (-7): Rumors are flying that Warner will be dealt to the Steelers after the season. Pittsburgh is balking, however, as they would have to take Kurt also. Rams 28, Ravens 20. Philadelphia @ GREEN BAY (-4): Brett Favre, at home, in the cold, on Monday Night? Hello, fish? This is the barrel! Packers 29, Eagles 20. Lock of the Week: Green Bay Triple Play: Green Bay, Arizona, Seattle Last week ATS: 8-5-1 Last week Straight Up: 8-6 Season ATS: 70-56-4 Season Straight Up: 84-46 Lock of the Week: 5-4 Triple Play: 0-9

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