12/21/24
October 29, 2003
NFL Week 9 Picks: NFL picks that contain half the carbs of your normal football predictions.
Say it with me now — 5 and 9. It’s Tom Cruise's height standing on a phone book, and also my tally last week ATS. I've seen better records filed under "T.A.T.U." at Sam Goody's. I'm not sure what it was that caused my senses to depart me. Perhaps I was distracted by my impending trip to Toronto for a healthy dose of Labatt's and poutine, or perhaps it was my belief that at some point, the people who SHOULD win NFL games might actually WIN said games. Last week, not so much. As always, these picks are not meant for gambling purposes. They are meant to keep you from watching that goddawful "Cold Pizza" on ESPN2. San Diego @ CHICAGO (-2.5): I can’t tell you how disconcerting it is picking the Bears two weeks in a row to cover. That's akin to Bill Clinton walking past the same intern twice without asking for a hummer. Bears 23, Chargers 17. Washington @ DALLAS (-4): Danny Wuerffel turned down the Skins' offer to return as back-up QB this week, saying he wanted to focus on his ministerial work. Wuerffel added that he was also put off by owner Daniel Snyder's insistence on wearing a T-shirt that reads, "We'll Get Along Fine As Soon As You Realize I'm God." Cowboys 20, BurntSiennaEpidermises 17. Oakland @ DETROIT (+2.5): In an effort to increase fan involvement at Ford Field, every 10th customer will be sucker-punched by Bill Romanowski. Raiders 28, Lions 20. Indianapolis @ MIAMI (-3): Well, here's another case of the Colts being involved with some idiot who stands on the sidelines for much of the game, not doing anything productive. But enough about Dave Wannstedt. Colts 29, Dolphins 22. NY Giants @ NY Jets (+2): Could be worse. The Mets could be involved. Giants 26, Jets 21. New Orleans @ TAMPA BAY (-8): Warren Sapp and Suzanne Somers will announce this week their new line of exercise equipment meant for NFL executives. No word yet, however, on a distribution deal for the new "Thighslavemaster 2000." Bucs 24, Saints 22. Jacksonville @ BALTIMORE (-7): Sing it with me! "His name's Del Rio, and he won't stand for losing games! Too bad his defense plays like girdle-wearing dames!" Ravens 23, Jags 17. Carolina @ HOUSTON (+6.5): With Texans QB David Carr sidelined for the week, journeyman Tony Banks will get the start. He hasn't started a game since 2001, but that's ok — he stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night. Panthers 27, Texans 13. Cincinnati @ ARIZONA (+3): It's good the Bengals and the Cards are facing one another. If both of these teams won again this week, I believe the Earth would spin off its axis and John Madden would say something I didn't know already. Bengals 26, Cardinals 10. Pittsburgh @ SEATTLE (-4): It's gotten so bad in Pittsburgh that Steeler fans are reminiscing about the wonderful Kordell Stewart era. Seahawks 28, Steelers 17. Philadelphia @ ATLANTA (+4.5): Falcons head coach Dan Reeves has benched his entire starting secondary for this Sunday, which leads one to ask — they had a secondary? Eagles 24, Falcons 20. St. Louis @ SAN FRANCISCO (+3): I'd say the 49ers would come back angry after losing to Arizona, but that would imply that most of the team had character. Rams 33, 49ers 20. Green Bay @ MINNESOTA (-4.5): Look at it like this — would YOU lose this game if you thought Mike Tice would be angry with you afterwards? Vikings 30, Packers 27. New England @ DENVER (-2): Here's a good way to gauge this game: The Patriots will show up with a QB, while the Broncos will be holding auditions in the parking lot. Pats 23, Broncos 16. Lock of the Week: St. Louis Triple Play: Cincinnati, Indianapolis, St. Louis Last week ATS: 5-9 Last week Straight Up: 9-5 Season ATS: 62-51-3 Season Straight Up: 76-40 Lock of the Week: 5-3 Triple Play: 0-8
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