12/21/24
October 01, 2003
NFL Week Five Picks: NFL picks like Momma used to make them!
For the first time this season, the big man took a soaking. No one can trumpet about 6-8, but after watching more collapses than Fred Sanford arguing with Esther, I'll take it and run. I'd do some material on Rush Limbaugh's candidacy for Grand Wizard, but why beat a stupid, racist, egotistical dead horse to death? Here's hoping ESPN does a remote sometime later this season. In Compton. As always, these picks are not for use in gambling. They are nice, however, with a little butter and some garlic. Bon appetit! Minnesota @ ATLANTA (+4): How much do you think the Falcons' GM will be cringing as Vikings' back-up QB extraordinaire Gus Ferotte picks apart his team? Expect an extra few whacks to the back of the head from the owner each time Atlanta's Doug Johnson throws one of his three picks. Vikings 30, Falcons 17. Cincinnati @ BUFFALO (-8): The Bills have been pathetic two weeks in a row, while the Bengals are getting their mojo working. Even Jon Kitna can make this happen. Bengals 22, Bills 16. Oakland @ CHICAGO (+4): I have this funny feeling the Bears' offense is going to spring to life this week. Wait, that's just gas. Raiders 29, Bears 13. Arizona @ DALLAS (-7): I don’t think I've gotten a game right for either one of this teams this season, so I've got that going for me. Tuna's faith in Quincy Carter will have him humming like Quincy Jones, though. Cowboys 26, Cards 17. Seattle @ GREEN BAY (+2.5): OK, I'm convinced, the Seahawks are for real. And late Sunday, after another crushing home loss, Vince Lombardi will spinning in his grave. Seahawks 28, Packers 21. Kansas City @ DENVER (+3.5): I can't help thinking the Broncos will do two things to win this game: 1) contain Priest Holmes and force Trent Green to the air, and 2) not kick the %*&@!# ball to Dante Hall! Broncos 23, Chiefs 20. Tennessee @ NEW ENGLAND (+1): With the way Steve McNair is playing, only Rush Limbaugh could think he's overrated. Titans 33, Patriots 20. New York Giants @ MIAMI (pick 'em): Ah, sweetest of the lines. I sense a gathering confidence in the Fins, while I sense almost nothing from the Giants. It's even enough to offset the Dave Wannstedt factor. Dolphins 22, Giants 21. New Orleans @ CAROLINA (-6.5): I can’t do it any more. I've been a Saints fan for a long time, even during the 95% of the time they sucked. But after last week's humiliation at the hands of the Colts (the Colts!), I'm getting out the bag. The barf bag. Panthers 20, Saints 17. San Diego @ JACKSONVILLE (-3): Much like the California recall election, the scary thing here is — someone will win. Jaguars 23, Chargers 19. Washington @ PHILADELPHIA (-5.5): When's the last time you saw a 1-3 team giving nearly a touchdown from a 3-1 team? When Donovan McNabb's back on track, however, it's the right call. Up yours, Rush. Eagles 27, DC Bigots 21. Detroit @ SAN FRANCISCO (-7): Congratulations to petulant 49ers wide receiver Terrell Owens, who has finally made Randy Moss look like a model citizen. And someone have head coach Dennis Erickson drop 'em and cough … as we suspected! No balls! Lions 24, 49ers 21. Cleveland @ PITTSBURGH (-7): This just in — Browns now considering signed Drew Carey hater Mimi to QB this weekend. She'll still be prettier than Tim Couch. Steelers 29, Browns 17. Indianapolis @ TAMPA BAY (-4.5): Here it is, your guaranteed pick of death. How can I go against a 4-0 team that's getting 4.5 points?!? Like this. Bucs 23, Colts 20. Lock of the Week: Oakland Triple Play: Oakland, Minnesota, Cincinnati Last week ATS: 6-8 Last week Straight Up: 8-6 Season ATS: 32-26-2 Season Straight Up: 39-21 Lock of the Week: 3-1 Triple Play: 0-4
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