September 25, 2003

Week Four NFL Picks: NFL picks more accurate than Jimmy Kimmel's, but that's not much of a bragging point.

I stumbled out of my house half-expecting to see frogs raining from the sky, or Democrats accepting some blame for the country’s financial situation. After all, Phoenix had just dumped the Packers. That’s a biblical sign, isn’t it? Other teams rounded themselves into shape, with the Broncos finally getting over their cracked Plummer and the Buccaneers looking positively frisky. And to prove things were more regular than my Uncle Morty after a run to the prune wholesaler, New Orleans and the Jets tanked. As always, these picks are not meant as a guide for gambling. They are coded messages of love to Dick Cheney. Philadelphia @ BUFFALO (-3): The Bills’ offense looked weaker than Andy Dick in a weightlifting contest last week. Now Travis Henry is banged up and at some point, the Eagles are going to have to get pissed off. This is the week. Eagles 22, Bills 17. Cincinnati @ CLEVELAND (-5.5): I think last week was a clear indication Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis has his defensive squad headed in the right direction. Now if he can just point Jon Kitna to the door. Browns 24, Bengals 17. Arizona @ ST. LOUIS (-10.5): If Dave McGinnis can get the Cardinals to beat the Packers in front of an estimated crowd of 37 old people, he can cover a 10-point spread. Rams 23, Cards 20. San Francisco @ MINNESOTA (NL): Uhhh … there’s no line on this game. Danny Sheridan sleeps with the fishes. Vikings 31, 49ers 23. Tennessee @ PITTSBURGH (-3): I’ve never said this before, and I’m a schmuck for not admitting it sooner – Steve McNair is one tough bastard and a helluva QB. Chalk him up for another win. Titans 20, Steelers 16. New England @ WASHINGTON (-3): Give the Patriots credit for rebounding from a tough start and the subtraction of Lawyer Milloy. We’ll see how Ramsey responds to the pressure of his first loss. Patriots 28, D.C. Jerks 22. Atlanta @ CAROLINA (-6): Zero Michael Vicks + 11 solid Panther defenders = One Carolina buttkicking. Panthers 31, Falcons 17. Kansas City @ BALTIMORE (+3): This is the best game of the week, and two stud RBs will go at it. I think Ray helps out his namesake Jamal, and the Ravens leave Priest short in the collection plate. Ravens 23, Chiefs 22. Jacksonville @ HOUSTON (+3): Ugh. Jaguars 26, Texans 19. San Diego @ OAKLAND (-7): Raiders coach Bill Callahan has instituted sweeping changes in the Oakland offense. They include blocking, scoring points and a three-drink limit for all kickers. Raiders 26, Chargers 13. Detroit @ DENVER (-12): I poke fun at Jake Plummer and he turns into Fran Tarkington. I sense a trend – hey, Economy! You suck! Broncos 24, Lions 20. Dallas @ NEW YORK JETS (-3): I think Herman Edwards would be an excellent NFL coach. Maybe this week, he’ll have an NFL team. Jets 19, Cowboys 10. Indianapolis @ NEW ORLEANS (+2): This is the week Aaron Brooks stops playing like Foster Brooks. Your odds on Peyton being solid two weeks in a row? 40-1. Saints 27, Colts 17. Green Bay @ CHICAGO (+4): I bet two years ago when the NFL set this up, the Monday Night Football folks were salivating. Now, it’s just the players standing around Lisa Guerrero doing that. Packers 29, Bears 22. Lock of the Week: Detroit Triple Play Special: Detroit, Green Bay, Jacksonville Last week ATS: 8-6 Last week Straight Up: 11-3 Season ATS: 26-18-2 Season Straight Up: 31-15 Lock of the Week: 2-1 Triple Play of the Week: 0-3

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