September 19, 2003

NFL Week 3 Picks: These ain't your grandmother's NFL picks ... although they might be your aunt's.

This is a difficult decision. Is there wonderful parity in the National Football League - or does everyone suck? It's hard to tell from the first two weeks. Tampa Bay's a shoo-in for another Lombardi Trophy, and then their special teams blocking becomes more porous than the Bush's administration's "Weapons of Mass Destruction" rationale. The Giants stump the Rams, then get chumped by Tuna and the Cowboys. One thing's for sure, however - Lisa Guerrero sure beats the turtleneck off Eric Dickerson on the sidelines. As always, these predictions are not for gambling purposes - well, not for smart gamblers, anyway. Tampa Bay at ATLANTA (+4): What do the Bucs and I have in common? We both score infrequently. Still, the Falcons gave up 33 points last week to Steve Spurrier and his collection of oddly-named receivers, and Tampa Bay will hit paydirt just enough to go home happy. If only I could same the same thing. Tampa Bay 23, Atlanta 17. Pittsburgh @ CINCINNATI (+4.5): Marvin Lewis had decided to go with three rookie linebackers this season. You can ask Jamal Lewis what he thinks of that decision. Steelers 27, Bengals 17. Minnesota @ DETROIT (+3.5): You know it's your year when your stud back falls off a treadmill and is out for two months, and you get awesome production from a guy named Mo Williams. Oh, and that Dante fella ain't bad, neither. Which Lions' team will show up? Oh, yeah, the one that sucks. Vikings 30, Lions 19. New Orleans @ TENNESSEE (-4.5): Steve McNair is having trouble throwing the ball this week in practice. That's all I needed to hear. Saints 26, Titans 16. Jacksonville @ INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5): The Colts win, but kicker Mike Vanderjagt fails to put the seat back down in the locker room for Peyton Manning and again is labeled the idiot kicker. Colts 20, Jags 17. New York Jets @ NEW ENGLAND (-6.5): At first, I thought 6.5 was the over/under. I like the Pats to win after rallying last week, but the spreads too large for a divisional game. New England 21, NY Jets 17. Kansas City @ HOUSTON (+7.5): Priest Holmes is a little banged up this week, but the Texans would need Linda Blair to show up to pull this one out. Your mother sucks ... oh, nevermind. Chiefs 31, Texans 14. Green Bay @ ARIZONA (+7.5): Wow, and I thought I just wrote about the expansion team losing. Packers 30, Cards 17. St. Louis @ SEATTLE (-3): Marc Bulger is an excellent back-up quarterback. Marc Bulger is also an excellent stage name for a male porno star. Seahawks 27, Rams 23. New York Giants @ WASHINGTON (-2.5): During a proctology exam this week, doctors found something large and unsightly lodged in Jim Fassel's ass. It was Bill Parcells. Rest assured, the Giants will be fired up. Giants 23, Redskins 20. Baltimore @ SAN DIEGO (+1): This week, Jamal Lewis is predicting he'll gain 400 yards and the stock market will top 10,000. I wouldn't bet against the first. Meanwhile, who thought we would be pining for the exciting days of the Ryan Leaf era? Ravens 23, Chargers 16. Cleveland @ SAN FRANCISCO (-7): Think Butch Davis is regretting starting three rookie linebackers? That's like throwing a fresh pan of Toll House Cookies in front of Gilbert Brown. The 49ers have no trouble here, but the touchdown spread bugs me for some reason. San Fran 26, Browns 20. Buffalo @ MIAMI (-3): "Hello, Bills? Yeah, this is Cinderella. Can I have my slipper back?" Dolphins 22, Bills 17. Oakland @ DENVER (-5): Clinton Portis said this week on SportsCenter that he took his mom to his senior prom. I'm too creeped out to write anything else. Broncos 20, Raiders 17. Lock of the Week: Jacksonville Triple Play Special: Jacksonville, Baltimore, New Orleans Last week ATS: 9-6-1 Last week Straight Up: 10-6 Season ATS: 18-12-2 Season Straight Up: 20-12

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