September 10, 2003

Week Two NFL Picks: Where to go when you really want to lose this month's mortgage payment.

Welcome to week two in the National Football League, where Jake Delhomme is the man and Jake Plummer still stinks on ice. Seriously, I haven’t seen that much confusion and backpedaling since I yelled, "Here come the Germans!" at the Louvre. It wasn't stellar, but I'll live with last week's 9-7 ATS. Having Houston dump the Dolphins reminded me of two constants in the NFL: 1) Anyone can win on any given Sunday, and 2) Dave Wannstedt is a complete moron. Here are this week's semi-literate guesses, and as always, this information is not for betting purposes. It's for entertainment when you can't get Elf Bowling to load up. Miami at NEW YORK JETS (+3): Jay Fielder's decision to throw the ball with a two-point lead late against the Texans was the worst thing to happen to Miami since Nathan Lane's wardrobe in "The Birdcage." It will be irrelevant, because the AFC East will be extremely tough this year, and with Dave Wannstedt captaining the ship, it won't be long before Leonardo slips below the ocean's surface. Still, the Jets are terrible without Chad Pennington, and Miami can’t blow two in a row if they simply let Ricky run. Dolphins 23, Jets 17. Cleveland at BALTIMORE (-2): Welcome to the Kelly Holcombe era, which oddly enough so far looks exactly like the Tim Couch era. Baltimore's defense, however, features more holes than a Ray Lewis alibi. Browns 19, Ravens 13. Tennessee at INDIANAPOLIS (-2): The Colts are favored in this game. Favored! Since when did getting nine points from your idiot kicker carrying so much the next week? Titans 26, Colts 16. Green Bay at DETROIT (+6.5): The renovation of Lambeau Field apparently also included the removal of Brett Favre's brain. Watching him QB last week was like watching a two-year-old trying to shove the star-shaped block through the square hole. Meanwhile, Mooch has the Lions freaked and Charles Rogers is going for another two TDs. Can someone say "Coach of the Year?" Lions 31, Packers 24. Atlanta at WASHINGTON (+3): Uhhh, Spurrier won last week. And Doug Johnson is hurt. And Michael Vick is still not walking. The I Still Can't Say Their Names 23, Falcons 10. Buffalo at JACKSONVILLE (+3): I hope Drew Bledsoe was tested after last week's game. Not for drugs, but for psychological disorders, because all of a sudden he thinks he's Dan Marino. Meanwhile, Mark Brunell still rocks, and the rest of the Jags are still pretty much Jags. Bills 30, Jaguars 20. Houston at NEW ORLEANS (-8): You know how sometimes your TV gets all fuzzy, and you have to whack it really hard to get things back in focus? This pick is like that. Saints 31, Texans 19. San Francisco at ST. LOUIS (-3): That popping sound you did not hear last week was Mike Martz not pulling his head out of his ass. Faulk gets less than 15 touches, Warner plays with a concussion. Is Richie Pettibone available? The 49ers utter domination last week was helped by the fact that Chicago played without a discernible quarterback. That won't happen with Bulger this week. Rams 33, 49ers 21. Pittsburgh at KANSAS CITY (-3): Even if Joey Porter returns, it won't be enough of a shot in the ass … err, arm, to lift the Steelers. Chiefs 22, Steelers 20. Carolina at TAMPA BAY (-9.5): Has any team ever looked more ready to repeat than the Buccaneers? They'll send the Panthers Delhomme unhappy, but the line is too big. Bucs 23, Panthers 14. Seattle at ARIZONA (-4.5): The Seahawks' defense was the key last week, and they'll face no challenge from Arizona, which has three receivers out with sprained ankles. I wasn't even aware they had three receivers altogether. Seahawks 34, Cardinals 17. New England at PHILADELPHIA (-5.5): The Patriots are headed for a collective round of Zoloft. The release of Lawyer Milloy ripped the guts out of this team last week. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure Eagles coach Andy Reid handled Philly's ripping himself. Eagles 26, Pats 10. Denver at SAN DIEGO (-3): Here's how badly it sucks to be a San Diego defender. You lose Junior Seau, then you open with Priest Holmes, and now you get Clinton Portis! Next, they'll be forced to watch "Gigli." Broncos 27, Chargers 20. Cincinnati at OAKLAND (-12): You need analysis? Raiders 31, Bengals 20. Chicago at MINNESOTA (-8): A few more appropriate corporate sponsors for the Bears than BankOne — B-D Rectal Thermometers, Hemorrhol Hemorrhoid Cream and Charmin. Yeah … they're ass. Vikings 30, Bears 17. Dallas at NY GIANTS (-7.5): Getting worked up for the Parcells-Shockey showdown is like getting excited for Chris Matthews and Matt Drudge. It's loud, but it's all crap. Giants 29, Cowboys 16. Lock of the Week: Seattle over Arizona (-4.5) Triple Play: Seattle, Washington, Tennessee Season ATS: 9-7 Season Straight Up: 10-6

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