04/25/24
September 03, 2003
Week One NFL Picks: Where to go when you really want to lose this month's mortgage payment.
Football season is upon us, and that means just one thing. No, not when ABC rolls out their all-reality fall line-up (coming this fall — “The Jackass Millionaire Bachelor!”).
It’s time to start looking at point spreads, injury reports and your state’s law about offshore betting! Odds are taken from Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today on Wednesday, the home team is in caps and remember — this isn’t about gambling, it’s about fun!
At least, you should tell your bookie that on Tuesday.
NY Jets at WASHINGTON (-3): I understand that Chad Pennington’s throwing arm is duct-taped to his body. I also understand that Vinny Testaverde is old and has a tendency to complete passes to guys in uniforms that don’t match his.
Those two don’t match this equation, however — Steve Spurrier + talentless offense = crappy scoring output. If you are handing the ball regularly to a guy named Trung, your season is officially over. J-E-T-S 26, O-F-F-E-N-S-I-V-E-L-Y N-A-M-E-D T-E-A-M 17.
St. Louis at NY GIANTS (-1): This prediction is brought to you by the number 28. That happens to be Rams’ running back Marshall Faulk’s jersey number, and the least number of times head coach Mike Martz should get him the ball. It’s also how many big, pissed-off redneck Rams fans will be waiting at Lambert Field to beat Martz’s head in if he fails to do so.
On the flip side, I still can’t get that excited about a Kerry Collins-led offense, except that it might end up at a bar somewhere with Jeremy Shockey. Rams 31, Giants 20.
New England at BUFFALO (-1): Remember when this game was kind of exciting? You know, snow, heaters, drunk guys in the stands with their shirts off? Now, it’s just going to be Drew Bledsoe going nuts on the weakened Pats secondary. Which is still fun. Bills 28, Pats 24.
Baltimore at PITTSBURGH (-5.5): Rookie Kyle Boller gets the nod at QB for the Ravens, which tells you just how terrific Chris Redman was this preseason. Is George Plimpton still available? Pittsburgh 22, Baltimore 14.
Jacksonville at CAROLINA (-4): Mark Brunell, your agent just called. FOX Sports is holding a seat for you on “The Best Damned Sports Show Period.” That still can’t be worse than playing for the Jags. Carolina 23, J’ville 14.
Houston at MIAMI (-14): Contrary to popular belief, the Texans do have an offensive line. I saw them on a milk carton just this morning. Dolphins 33, Texans 16.
Indianapolis at CLEVELAND (-1.5): This is an evenly matched game, so I’ll fall back on two tried-and-true maxims: 1) The Browns will be fired up for the home opener and 2) the Colts’ defense won’t be very good. Browns 26, Indy 19.
Denver (-6) at CINCINNATI: The toughest thing about making this pick? I still have trouble spelling Cincinnati. Broncos 31, Bengals 20.
Arizona at DETROIT (-4): Anyone else think the Lions actually upgraded when they sign Olandis Gary this week? I think the Cardinals will be improved this year, but pitting Arizona against NFL competition is like starting Amanda Whurlitzer against the Yankees. Lions 23, Cards 16.
Minnesota at GREEN BAY (-5.5): The Vikings have given up on the “Randy Ratio,” which said he should get the ball on at least 40% of the plays. I thought it meant he got to smoke at least 40% of all dope entering Minnesota.
Meanwhile, the Pack is apparently running short of stud receivers. Brett Favre was found in a corner this week smooching an old poster of Bill Schroeder. Packers 24, Vikings 23.
San Diego at KANSAS CITY (-5.5): The Chiefs will again be a joy to watch, as Priest runs wild and Trent Green becomes Kurt Warner Redux. Just be sure to turn off the satellite feed before Dick Vermeil starts bawling. Chiefs 31, Chargers 17.
Atlanta at DALLAS (-2): Okay, someone explain to me how the Falcons lose Michael Vick and suddenly they not favored to beat the Cowgirls? This is Dallas, where the only thing less attractive than Jerry Jones’ pinched face is the roster. Falcons 23, Cowboys 10.
New Orleans vs. SEATTLE (-3): I keep hearing this is the Seahawks’ year to shine, and how wonderful Matt Hasselbeck was for the final six games last season. I also keep hearing how Al Gore is going to be our next president. Saints 27, Seahawks 23.
Chicago at SAN FRANCISCO (-7): I’m sort of torn. I know Jeff Garcia is hurt. I know the 49ers are suspect defensively. Then these two little words pop into my head — Kordell Stewart. 49ers 23, Your New Home For Crying On The Sidelines 17.
Oakland at TENNESSEE (-3): There’s talk of ripping heads off, of crapping down people’s necks — and that’s just Bill Romanowski threatening the rest of the Raiders. Titans 26, Oakland 21.
Tampa Bay at PHILADELPHIA (-3): Jon Gruden has had an entire offseason to practice scrunching his face up into new and ugly positions. Andy Reid, however, spent his downtime in a Dunkin’ Donuts, eating crullers and studying the Bucs’ playbook. Won’t help. Tampa Bay 20, Philly 16.
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