February 25, 2002

All the World's an Olympic Sport:

I hereby submit to the wisdom of Vince McMahon, Mark Burnett, and Gatorade. Life is a sport, sport is entertainment, and entertainment is life. I will drink it up from here on out. I will no longer be a sports snob. I will no longer have standards. I will no longer proclaim that curling and ice dancing are not sports. I will no longer question golf, billiards, bowling, surfing, auto racing, snowboarding, and figure skating. I will no longer suggest that sports require athleticism. I will no longer proclaim that judges are for pageants. In the spirit of my transformation, I will petition the IOC for the following “sports” to be included in future Olympic Games: Professional Wrestling. I cannot think of a better sport for the Olympic stage than professional wrestling. Fixed outcomes will be assumed, but we, the audience, will gladly accept the pretentiousness as long as the costumes are tight, the insults are loud, and the faux fighting is raw. Winners will be determined by television ratings. Rubik’s Cube Race. This competition will revive the athleticism needed to make all the sides of the cube the same color. Athletes will be timed like downhill skiers. NBC will use their SimulCam technology to show the comparative speeds of solving a Rubik’s Cube. Minesweeper. I know someone who finished the expert level in 99 seconds. If that’s not athleticism, I don’t know what is. Figure Moonwalking. Moonwalking is, and forever will be, dyn-o-mite! Figure moonwalkers will slide around backwards on a wooden floor and perform technical and artistic elements. Blogsledding. The best webloggers from all over the world will be invited for two weeks of fierce community weblogging (sledding is optional). A panel of judges will decide who has the most original (non-Fark) posts, links, and observations. Double-posters will be immediately disqualified. Iron Chef Cook-Off. The tongue is the missing sense of the Olympics. Taste will rule this competition. Like the show, a main ingredient will be revealed, and the culinary athletes will have an hour to work their magic. (Alternative tongue-oriented sport: The French Kiss-Off) Slip 'N Slide. Similar to the Skeleton, but played out on a backyard lawn, athletes will be judged for speed and beauty. Jumping through the Sprinklers. Played simultaneously on the same backyard lawn as the Slip 'N Slide event, athletes will jump through a sprinkler with glee. A panel of judges will decide the winner based on the jump and the glee. Photoshop Tennis. Because I am told that designers are athletes too. (Click here to see the developing sport.)

posted by jacknose to commentary at 03:44 PM - 0 comments