04/25/24
May 13, 2003
***SPOFI LOCKER ROOM INTERVIEW #10*** Fat Buddha: "Goo on then!" We hit the big "1-0" with simultaneous interviews (see #9 below) and this ripped-from the-headlines chat with our Man of the Moment, last-gasp SpoFi EPL Fantasy League champion, the corpulent meditator, Fat Buddha! Come in and learn the secrets of the Master!
posted by worldcup2002 to navel gazing at 05:06 PM - 49 comments
I think SF should have done the interview, but I get the feeling it would be questions like "Where do you live...so I can hunt you down and kill you in your sleep you $#^%&!"
posted by grum@work at 05:23 PM on May 13, 2003
How does it feel???. You should come over here and get a job on tv sports reporting my friend. Other key questions to remember: What were your emotions when.....? How does this compare to......? What were your thoughts when....?. Just kidding, you doing a great job my friend, but beware spreading yourself too thinly, so to speak. (Thanks Grum)
posted by squealy at 06:08 PM on May 13, 2003
Lay off, you fatheads! SF is very welcome to comment here. Besides, I didn't think he'd be up to chatting about losing. But, if you want to wallow in his suffering, I can continue his interview after I've finished up with FB. Also, squealy is still a brummy bog bandit.
posted by worldcup2002 at 01:31 AM on May 14, 2003
Whoops, sorry, I've been in bed the last 8 hours, and now I will be in work for the next nine or so, I don't actually think this is going to work! Obviously, WC I am over the parrot, I knew it would be an uphill struggle, but you know, at the end of the day, we've gone out there and done it for the Brits. Commisserations to Sillyfucker though, he must be sick as a moon. I ain't gonna single anyone out but to be fair Big Matty came in and to be fair, the lad was awesome. We've shown this is the best league in the world. I just thank God he had the grace to help me through this and I want to thank the wife and kids for being there when it mattered. I don't know what the future holds yet, I will have to speak to my agent, but I love the Psycho Kittens so I hope a deal can be worked out.
posted by Fat Buddha at 02:29 AM on May 14, 2003
What the ... hahaha ... an excellent response! But ... Q2. Who the hell is Big Matty? Do you really have a wife and kids? And don't you get the week off (or even a half-day maybe) just for winning the championship?
posted by worldcup2002 at 09:21 AM on May 14, 2003
I think he means Upson...
posted by StarFucker at 09:32 AM on May 14, 2003
I think he was trying to break the record for most clichés used in a single paragraph. But failed, not even getting close to Ron Atkinson's record.
posted by BigCalm at 09:46 AM on May 14, 2003
I know, I know. But I'm hoping he'll say his wife looks like Posh Spice or some such like ... wot!
posted by worldcup2002 at 09:53 AM on May 14, 2003
I did request a day off but they just looked at me as if I am John Gregory. I have a very beautiful wife and she is all chuffin woman, old chap and I have many hundreds of nippers. Big Matty is indeed Upson, the England international. 
posted by Fat Buddha at 11:20 AM on May 14, 2003
You should have been paraded downtown a the top of a double-decker with confetti flying everywhere. Instead, a rebuff from the Man is all you got. A travesty! Q3. WHERE DO YOU WORK?
posted by worldcup2002 at 11:49 AM on May 14, 2003
This is the longest after the game locker room interview ever...
posted by StarFucker at 01:41 PM on May 14, 2003
This is what i picture when i think of congratulating Fat Buddha for winning... 
posted by StarFucker at 01:45 PM on May 14, 2003
Sorry for the delay, childcare duties, and broken mouse, broken by a child. I told you it wouldn't work. I work in a small social services department, in a small town, in a small country, I am referring to geographical area and population here, not just minds. As it happens, I have 2 blogs on the go, one of which you can access via my profile page (which will now have to be edited!) the other of which has been going just over a week, and will tell you all you need to know about my work and can be accessed from the other blog. Am I allowed to do that?
posted by Fat Buddha at 03:02 PM on May 14, 2003
It's quite nice, really, and it would have been better if you'd just linked to them from your response. Anyway ... Q4. Which trophy did you like better? The Glass one with Buddha etching or the floating pseudo-Champions league trophy?
posted by worldcup2002 at 03:17 PM on May 14, 2003
But I thought the Pantheon, and everyone else, frowned upon self linking? The trophy really should be Starfuckers head, on a silver platter.
posted by Fat Buddha at 03:43 PM on May 14, 2003
Self-linking in posts is frowned upon. Self-linking in comments and profiles is fine, I think. Any lurkers from the Pantheon should jump in right about now ... Q5. Speaking of the Fooker, where did you think he went wrong (in 5000 words or less, please)? What do you think was the turning point in the championship race? Was it a lucky break? When did you think you could beat him?
posted by worldcup2002 at 04:25 PM on May 14, 2003
Haaaaaaah! Man oh man, don't get me started on young Mr Fucker. Where he went wrong, clearly, was in being an arrogant,gobby, insufferable git. I don't know where he went wrong, it's all a matter of luck really isn't it; I suppose his luck just ran out. When he was building his big lead I did think, more than once that he was a lucky fucker. No criticism is implied there, as I say it's all a matter of luck, but he had a run where his defenders, midfielders and strikers all kept scoring. I knew that wouldn't continue forever so always thought he could be caught, not necessarily by me though. I think the turning point was a few weeks ago when some of us scored massively over a couple of games and the fucker got next to nothing, it became obvious then that anything is possible. The reality though, is that the daft prat invited a bucketload of bad karma to fall upon his head! Mind you having been stuck with a load of Fulham and Baggie donkeys for a couple of weeks, and being pc less for several weeks, it could equally be true that I am a chuffing genius and he was in a false position all along!
posted by Fat Buddha at 04:38 PM on May 14, 2003
Regardless of your useless philosophizing, you still won, you gobby git. Now ... Q6. How will you celebrate this legendary victory? Will you have a special meal and drink?
posted by worldcup2002 at 05:24 PM on May 14, 2003
Well, I was sat here after work yesterday, all aglow, having learned of my triumph when Mrs Buddha arrived home: "I won the Spofi epl fantasy league" "How much did you win" "Nothing" "Well what do you get" "The respect of my new cyberpals, all over the world" "Charlies nappy needs changing" I went into work: "I won the spofi epl fantasy league" "WHAAATTTT?" "It's an internet thing, I can show you" "Fuck off, you spend too much time on that computer" So my celebration was to have a fucking great bag of curry sauce and chips at dinnertime and chuckle to myself contentedly. The rest of the world hasn't quite caught up with us yet, dudes.
posted by Fat Buddha at 05:47 PM on May 14, 2003
Hahahahahahahaha. That is Olympic revelry at its best! Mmmmm ... curry. Q7. While we're on the topic of food, tell us, are you really fat? And Buddha-like? Tell us, what you look like. Your adoring fans want to know!
posted by worldcup2002 at 05:53 PM on May 14, 2003
mmm, chips and curry sauce. God's own food. Only eaten by fat bastards like meself though.
posted by squealy at 06:12 PM on May 14, 2003
I am the lardiest lard arsed bastard in the history of lardarses. Not really. When I packed up smoking about 4 years ago my alcohol consumption increased and I snacked like a motherfucker, so developed an impressive paunch. My eldest who was 3 or four then would say, "theres dad" whenever he saw a Buddha statue or figure. Then, when I kept forgetting my password for a new telephone bank account I opened and couldn't think of one, Mrs Buddha suggested Fat Buddha, which I then used for everything, so it would be easy to remember. The paunch is nothing like as impressive as it was back then and is actually diminishing rapidly, although I am not on a diet of any kind. I am noted for my serenity however. I never lose my temper and tend to shrug off mishaps and just get on with life. Not that I am a Buddhist at all, I'm not. Sorry that was boring as fuck!
posted by Fat Buddha at 06:17 PM on May 14, 2003
Whoops forgot to say what I look like..... I look like this chap: 
posted by Fat Buddha at 06:24 PM on May 14, 2003
No it wasn't! Now that I have access to all your bank accounts, life should be more interesting. (Nice pic, btw.) And what would life be without some alcohol consumption? Q8. Tell us more about your alcohol consumption. What is your favorite drink? Why?
posted by worldcup2002 at 06:26 PM on May 14, 2003
Before Blues games I go here and choose one of the many wonderful guest ales it has on offer. Mostly though, I tend to drink at home these days and that will most likely be red or white wine. I am partial to a Barolo but the budget rarely stretches to that anymore. An Aussie Shiraz always goes down nicely so long as it's not too full and fruity, something like a Wolf Blass usually does the trick. I can get through a Fetzer Cabernet Sauvignon with no trouble at all and love the better quality Tempranillos. Portugal is much underated and you can get a beautiful red for a about 6-7 quid, easily comparable with a ten quid Aussie. As far as White goes Kiwi Sauvignon Blanc, (any, really) is the dogs bollocks and I can merrily sip my way through a couple of bottles of Pinot Grigio of a Friday night. If I go out locally, I will drink Guinness but all the pubs around here are cack, to be honest. I don't tend to drink at all in the week; as I get older my hangovers get worse and it just ain't worth it!
posted by Fat Buddha at 06:53 PM on May 14, 2003
"pc less"?? You forgot to mention how after being in first for...what was it, 34 out of 39 weeks, you realized that it WASN'T luck...
posted by StarFucker at 09:12 PM on May 14, 2003
Wow, have some sour grapes to go with the wine there, FB! Q9. As a publicity-worthy celebrity now, you must be a target for product endorsements. Are there any products brands you'd like to endorse here -- especially ones you actually use? I'm thinking of things other sports celebrities have hawked: Shaving cream? Razor? Shoes? Sportswear? Performance drinks? Electronic goods store? Underwear? Haircut place? Hair cream? Foot anti-fungal cream? Pain medication? Penile enhancement drug? Anything else you can think of?
posted by worldcup2002 at 09:50 PM on May 14, 2003
FB, a tip regarding your paunch: I have a pot-bellied uncle who has saying that goes "When ya got a tool like this one, you gotta build a shed over it". Just tying to help.
posted by Samsonov14 at 10:31 PM on May 14, 2003
Samasonov 14, great advice, that one is in the memory bank! Starfucker you poor wee dab, does it hurt? It was only a silly old fantasy league, just forget about it. I fail to see your point about 34 of 39 weeks, it wasn't a weekly competition. What happened on a weekly basis is irrelevant. The winner was the chap who amassed most points over the entire season. The last time I checked that still wasn't you. You lost, get over it. The world famous Balti pie would be good to endorse, famous in Small Heath anyway. I believe giant slippers are the new black: 
King of Shaves would be good, have you seen the price of that stuff? Best of all though, would be one of these.
posted by Fat Buddha at 11:41 AM on May 15, 2003
My god, I'd love to see you wearing a beer hat, King of Shaves lathered on your face like a big foam beard, a Balti pie in hand, and gigante slippers on your feet. Classic. Well, FB, happy husband, father of many, social worker, long-suffering Blues fan, and near-mythic inaugural SpoFi EPL Fantasy League champion ... Q10. What pearls of wisdom will you leave with us? Any parting words for your archrival, SF? What enlightenment can you give your Fantasy League opponents? And, what sage advice can you impart to the little children?
posted by worldcup2002 at 11:53 AM on May 15, 2003
Good advice is what a man leaves when he is too old to set a bad example. As Oscar Wilde said, "I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself". So, in that spirit, I shall advise Starfucker to try WINNING for a chuffin change; my opponents to never, ever pick a Blues player (seriously), and the nippers should never, ever, eat yellow snow.
posted by Fat Buddha at 12:06 PM on May 15, 2003
Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Thanks, Fat Buddha!
posted by worldcup2002 at 01:50 PM on May 15, 2003
Good interview. Who is next!?
posted by jerseygirl at 02:16 PM on May 15, 2003
Yeah, who is next? Any recommendations, Buddha?
posted by worldcup2002 at 02:24 PM on May 15, 2003
For more homely homilies, how about Samsonov14, I note he comes from New Jersey, perhaps he can tell us all about some gangsters. Or if he is personally acquainted with Janet Evanovich, or if he has eaten at the White Mana. Or what Bruce is really like.
posted by Fat Buddha at 02:41 PM on May 15, 2003
I second the Samsonov nomination... and can even provide some leading questions to help wc2002, though on second thought, it might detract from this whole endeavor. Big kudos to wc2k2 on another job well done and to Buddha for sharing his soul. These interviews are awesome. Keep up the good work.
posted by 86 at 03:06 PM on May 15, 2003
I third the Samsonov nod.
posted by jerseygirl at 03:54 PM on May 15, 2003
Wow, that's a ringing endorsement. I think billsaysthis had reco'd Samsonov, too. Let me recover from my double-interview hangover and try next week. That is, as long as the Samsonov is ready and willing.
posted by worldcup2002 at 04:01 PM on May 15, 2003
Sammy, I don't think you have much choice. Your public has spoken. And you will obey :)
posted by garfield at 04:15 PM on May 15, 2003
Okee-doke. It'll have to wait until the middle of next week at least, though. In an effort to help out a few of my co-workers, I cleverly volunteered to help out on a project in another department last month. Since then, I've been nominated to help out on three other projects in addition to my own work. That'll learn me, I guess. Things were much better at work when I was just screwing around all day. It's not like I'm ever going to be promoted or anything anyway. I'll do the interview on one condition: No emoticons. Emoticons make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. WC2002, I'll send you an e-mail when things get a little less messy in my cubicle. And thanks for the vote of confidence, kids! :) ;) :p
posted by Samsonov14 at 06:04 PM on May 15, 2003
Great, I've always wanted to see life from a briefcase's point of view. (Emoticons)
posted by squealy at 06:16 PM on May 15, 2003
Don't bother - my email is not up. I am a e-recluse who only comes out of his cave to post crap, make silly comments and interview people he can't see. I'll just start it week after next?
posted by worldcup2002 at 06:53 PM on May 15, 2003
Done and done.
posted by Samsonov14 at 09:31 PM on May 15, 2003
You're on. Looking forward to it.
posted by worldcup2002 at 11:41 PM on May 15, 2003
I knew S14 would be good, emoticons are the work of the devil.
posted by Fat Buddha at 02:57 AM on May 16, 2003
Are they really? This babe at work keeps using them in her emails. I used to hate the silly colons and commas, but she's starting to turn me. Do I need de-programming?
posted by garfield at 08:31 AM on May 16, 2003
Is she cute? It all depends on if she's cute...if she's cute, then you'll be just fine.
posted by StarFucker at 09:01 AM on May 16, 2003
Then I suppose I need to expand my emoticon vocabulary.
posted by garfield at 10:36 AM on May 16, 2003
Whooooo! I am on a tear! Holy moly, did you see what FB did? Never in a million years did anyone think this could happen. Except Buddha. (Blimey! Does he truly see all and know all?) But even the Fat One had capitulated. Now ... (Imagine we're in the Locker Room and everyone's just hoopin' and hollerin' and spraying champagne everywhere, except that it's just FB ...) Q1. HOW DOES IT FEEL?